I don't even want to call it drama. I just want to call it life. To be honest, my life surprisingly gets worse, hehe. The dogs ran away today, and we looked for them for two hours.... I drove up huffman, over hamlin and down remsen back to route 3 and no sign of Buster.
...Until a half hour before I had to work... and guess who found him right off hamlin road? Yeah, mua and Jacob. ...Right no a no Trespassing zone. Love it.
Sharin of course came over right in the middle of it, and that sucked, and all of the happened right after I got bumped off from having fairly interesting conversations with both Matt W and Matt H.
I can't win for losing!
On top of which... I have to lead worship on wednesday.. and I just...sigh. God!!! Why why why?! Just take me now! My life is so unfortunate right now. I wish I could laugh, but nothing really makes me laugh deep down where it counts.
I feel like I'm more honest to my blogs and journals then I am to my friends. I probably am. My family doesn't even have a clue.. and trust me, I don't want them to right now. They wouldn't understand anyway.
I just... feel like a "poor unfortunate soul". Why can't I be like Belle in Beauty and the Beast? Beautiful, smart, wonderful... beautiful... At least her only job was to be indignified, beautiful and see the wonderful prince within the beast. And fall in love with him.... thats the best part.
Sigh. I sort of feel like the beast right now though. and Jesus is like Beauty... except He is strong, and he is valient. He is a warior, a wonderful wonderful man.
maybe some day I can be Belle. Maybe Someday, I can be as beautiful the Beauty. Maybe someday I can be as enchanting as Sleeping beauty or as Pure as Snow White, or as Captivating as the little Mermade or as Worthy of Rescuing as Princess Jasmine in Aladdin. ... or as favored as Esther or as chosen as Mary or as devoted as Ruth or as faithful as Rahab or as Trusting as Rebekah or as.... all of those things as Sarah. Sigh. But no... I am me. Sarah faith whatchamacheck. Someday, God will make me like them.
I'll wait patiently for that day... if only I get to be beautiful and pure and light hearted and faithful and lovely like a princess for one whole day.
To twirl in a white skirt and dance purely before a worthy King.. and Him actually take delight in me?
that will be the eternity.... maybe.
No, I know it will be and its no maybe, but it honestly feels like a maybe. And its true... it really DOES just feel like a maybe. I'm tired of maybes.
I just want TRUTH. Do you love me or DON'T you? Do you care or DON'T you? Are you my friend or arent you?
.... Does it matter?
with me? probably not. I want people to leave me alone becuase it will confirm everything. I don't because I want so badly to know that imperfection still accepts imperfection... but I am having a hard time believing that Perfection could accept me. I just don't know if He could. I'm ugly in comarison to Him. I hate it. I hate this life. I hate my body.. I just want what is real. what we were supposed to be. I don't live here. I wasn't meant for this. And yet... I AM just as evil. I AM just as distorted. I AM just so out of it, friends. I need to sleep for a week and get back on my feet. I'm really not wallowing in self pity... I just don't know how to face my Creator right now.
Lord... draw me in. I need you to love me. Maybe I need to start listening to Barlow Girls all over again. Yeah... good idea.