so I have upgraded to blogger beta.... though it won't really change the way my blog looks as much as how it works for ME.
I don't even want to start with "my life is crazy", because I've said it too many times and have thus cliche'd it as such.
But what I DO want to say is something much more interesting: Jesus is Enough.
I've never felt so new before. I've never been so misconstrued in my life before. I've never dealt with the things I'm dealing with before.
I've never been so pressured about food and "maintaining" my weight, I've never felt so stressed about what I eating and whether I should eat or not, and I've never been so tempted to think I've gained a pound or two and all of a sudden, I'm struggling with the idea that I may be or may be getting fat.
Now, please don't inturperet this as if I actually am. I am merely saying that I've been pounded with this worry and I've never felt so obsessed before, though I am not admitting to actually obsessing.
I'm scared about myself.
I've thrusted myself into a work environement where the employees mumble f words and s words on a regular basis.
I'm working with non-believers here.
Then I'm still feeling so humbled about where God has me right now. He has me playing for the womens Bible study when I'm not a woman. I just.... I can't. I've not earned the title, on top of which, most women would probably agree that I have not, but Lord, I am yours I guess, and that is enough for me.
Sigh. and then there's singles awareness days.
Apperently its not bad enough that Valentine's day is in febuary, they had to create a smaller version of the same day half way through the year because lover's cant get enough of the holidays.
Stupid Sweetest day. I hate them. ...Oh, except for when my dad get's my mom flowers... then I love it for a few moments. But then there's that.
And then there's a feeling of never actually being able to hang out with the people I most want to hang with. sigh.
And then there's Me and God.
I need to remind myself that you all may feel me being a drama queen.
See... When I write, I am being completely honest about how I feel. I have heard before that I am more honest in my blogs and my journals then I am with people in person.
I guess I agree. Either we don't usually have time for investment, or... somehow, I feel more comfortable writing out what I am thinking because then it comes out the way I want to. I can never say the right thing.
Then of course, when I cannot, I feel like crying because my life is so....AHG. It must seriously HATE me.
then, there's God and me. I talk to him, but I'm almost afraid for him to talk to me. At this point I am not so sure He would be as loving as ... no... hm.
let me rephrase.
I am the most undeserving mess I have ever ever ever known. NOt only do I not deserve a loving word from God, I am afraid that I actually wont. I am afraid of being scolded and told about what a wreck I am, and this brings me back to my own tendency that... I feel I need to have my life together before I got to God, and I just... am so hurting right now. I am so broken right now.
Things I might get myself into or situations, I just CANNOT BE IN THE MIDDLE ANYMORE. I'm tired of being in the middle of dissagreements. I am TIRED of people fighting over me, or over situations with me. I just don't want to deal with it any more.
I just want to be loved, understood and committed to. I need someone to tell me that they will fight for me, and that I'm worth it to them. I need friends to assure me that even though I am a screw up, God cares about what happens in my life. That its OKAY to eat, that its OKAY to cry. That its OKAY to be weak and have no clue whats happening and ... that its okay to be angry sometimes.
Where's my Prince? Where did the time go that I was once a Princess who deserved a Prince Gentleman?
So why I am a dirty servent girl? What HAPPENED to me?! I just... wish I could deserve a mountain top experience once in a while. I wish I wasn't so hopeless like I truly am. I have such a ... dirty, black heart. I've seen myself and I don't think I can ever face Him again without being filled with shame. I am though. I am filled with shame.
Why would I want to share this with anyone? For the first time in my life, I have no desire to marry anyone. I could never ever let anyone see what it is I see... what it is God sees... because they would find I am far less then worth the fight, and I can't bear rejection. To think I was a princess and to find out I am merely a commoner...I feel like Danielle from Ever After: lowly and worthless... but enough pride to be a girl... a woman. But a prince... he finds her, he seeks her, he pursues her and finds that she IS his match in every way...But he thinks she is a princess. But then he finds that she is not. That she is, "just like them"... when she had planned to reveal that she WAS... and she was going to let him go, but he only confirmed her worst fear: she wasn't good enough for him. In fact... she had deceived herself into thinking she was a princess that she forgot for a little ammount of time the ugliness of herself, her status, her rung.
why would I want someone to find I wore a mask? No. I am glad I haven't talked to any guy in a while. I am ashamed of how I feel, and how I see myself. ...I haven't even talked about myself to God on the feeling that I would be so selfish. And yet, I believe my prayers have some worth to them... so I pray for those lost, that God has placed into my life, and those who I love dearly... and their teachers, and their parents and their bosses. And yet, I live myself a controdiction.
God, ... help me. I feel so tired, so weary, so.... helpless. But somehow I still know you'll come through even though I am avoiding you somehow... I'm afraid to go deep again. And all I want to do is weep.