I think what really got me thinking was when Joe and I talked while I ate. I like his friendship. What got me thinking was how he opened up to me. I think I did a good job of hiding my surprise, but it just took me back.
I hope God uses me any way he can with Joe, because I'd love to see him find Christ. Or rather, hehe, be found. "For you did not choose Me, but I chose you..."
I don't know. I just sit back and think, "what happened?" I mean, who is this girl I've become? I'm quited within myself. I take time in processing my thoughts. I'm supposedly "Miss Sunshine". Whats with guys and my smile? I mean, I have guys (yes, more then one) telling me that as long as they can make me smile, they're happy. Who is this girl who seems to have a smile that makes guys happy just to see? Have I been THIS ignorant about and to myself? heh... I was told by my manager (on behalf of all of my managers) that they really appreciated all I do. I must have turned 10 shades of red; like all the other times something is said about me in FRONT of me. I don't know how to react! I mean, I suppose I say thank you, but it doesn't seem like that's the right answer. You wanna know what my instinctive answer is? Laugh nervously, totally disagree whether its right or wrong and bolt! Who is this girl? This girl who will plug herself into a book and not come out for hours? This girl who used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, but no longer has the energy? This girl who would do SO MUCH MORE for her family but gets her joys dashed when she's EXPECTED to do the very thing she wanted to do quietly as a gift?
WHO IS THIS GIRL?
who is this girl who has no problem helping ANY body out with chores whether at home or at work? Why do I do the things I do? I know what kind of person I am. How do I come off so sweet to people? I'm a selfish twisted child. Who is this girl who comes off so opposite of what she is on the inside?
Who is this girl?
I wonder if it would be blasphemy to say that the Who is Jesus.
Jesus isn't the GIRL, Jesus IS, the girl. That means that I... I, the girl am all I can be to be Jesus. He is everything. I'm nothing without him. That means He is my all.
I'd be dead if it weren't for Christ in my life. I know I talk about the fact that I used to think about suicide alot, but I bring it up because it is my boast story! I'm boasting in the way God saved me from myself. I would have been dead! I could have been dead. Then I wouldn't have been here asking the most simple, obvious, profound question of myself. Who is this girl I call myself?
I'm kind of tired of saying, "I don't know."
I've cliche'd it, haven't I? hehe.
I think I'm ready to say something different though. Because you know what? It wouldn't be truthful anymore to say I don't know who this girl is.
I have to start being truthful to myself about myself.
Pastor Jeff said something extremely profound this morning and I just sat there and went, "wow.."
He said firstly, "Don't tell yourself where you THINK you are, be honest enough to admit to yourself where you really are."
And then He said, "Its God's grace that makes it okay for us to BE where we are! Its okay! Because God says, "Child! Its okay to be where you are! Because I'm going to take you to where I AM."
You know where I am?
I am at a place where I so fully know that I'm a sinner and I don't deserve dirt. I'm a crumb-ball inside. I could be so miserable of a person. I'm a pain in the butt during certain times alone! All the time, I could be and have a tendency to be miserable and low and depressed.
I'm still figuring myself out, and that alone is humbling. I think I should have myself figured out by now. But I still can't find why I do some of the stuff I do, why I feel the way I feel and why I can't shut up once in a while.
I have a spiritually High day and the rest of the week is LOW and frustrating. I get disappointed easily because my expectations are so high, whether they're good expectations or bad ones. Whether they're realistic or not. I hurt easily for some people, and for others I have no compassion whatsoever. Whats with that?
I hate where my life is for the moment, and yet I could never turn back now. I'm on a fast pace transition.
My opinions are peppered with perspective and salted with a straight and narrow mind. How does that work?! I like attention I shouldn't thrive on but do,
I act coy and calculated with perfect comebacks, and yet I am so naive and ignorant and blush over the reactions I get from my OWN actions. When did I become more then a young girl? How did it happen that things I used to do and were so innocent are now something of an art of flirtation?
Lord!!! Can I still be innocent before you?! Can I be a vessel of purity in this stain-glassed world?
Who do people think they are?
this is a very sincere question.
Who do you think you are?
I bet that if you tell yourself what you think you are, you're probably off, whether you think too highly of yourself or too lowly of yourself.
You know what the difference between me and every other person in the world?
I don't have to answer the question because Jesus answers it for me.
I have someone to look up to. I have something to live for. I have a purpose to stand on. I have a reason to live. Its Jesus.
Its ( on of my purposes being) every other person besides me who needs to find Jesus and to be found by Him.
I want Joe and all the other people who know they don't look up to anyone to have that reason to live too.
I want him to look up to the One I look up to. I want him to find that rest. I want him to reach deeper and respond to the question, "Who do I think I am anyway?" and say, "I don't care who I think I am. All I need to know is what Jesus thinks I am. And I Am His."
Ultimately we are, aren't we? We're ALL His. But He gave us free will, and that's where we fell. So whether we end up in hell or in heaven, we're still ultimately His.
I like to think I resemble Him just a little.
Jesus? take a look at me like a mirror. What do you see, Lord?
"I see Me."
"Really, Beloved. And I see you. And I love you just the way you are, stains and all. For you once were a sinner, but now you are My Child. You are a dancer. Be free. Make the Sun shine brighter. Love on them, one by one, Sarah, just like I would. Just like I did. Just like I am. Just like I always will."
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Amen and Hallelujah!
Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.