Rhyming never made one a poet, and painting never made one an artist. Those things come with the seasoning of the heart.
So, my dear old friend the Blog.
It goes with all my life's story. Every title, every subject, every title subject...this place is almost as dear, if not just as dear as my personal journal.
If you had both my personal journal and my blog at your disposal, along with my Bible, you would have all that you could ever need to understand my deepest most inner self.
I've been getting to know this self very vividly, lately.
I look at this person with great amazement, not because I think highly of this person, but because I marvel at that which she has the ability to take.
I must tell you, I have never been so raw before in my life.
To be very truly honest, I have entered a most interesting state of abandonment.
It is a state in which my heart aches more then I thought it ever could, my being cares more then it ever has, my head is more keenly aware of what I believe, and my feet are so firmly planted on what I've based my actions on, besides my heart so utterly bursting for the single truth that not only am I loved, I am more in step, more in tune with God then I've ever been before.
Sure, I was in tune and in step with God when I was in Colorado almost a year ago, but then again, God allowed me to get away from life's situations and I took joy in a freedom from something that I was thrusted into, rather then created. I was happily where I was supposed to be. I was broken, but I quickly healed with the excitement of a new begining.
Where I am today is a very different, very real place.
I am in tune with God not because God gave me a place outside of the normal, but because I chose to follow through with my own words despite my own desires which I will tell you now, did not match up with what my words were willingly about to give way to. In desperate pursuit of making God priority above all else, I needed to choose without the influence of anyone other then God and my experiences, what was most important to me.
It was one of the best things I could have done.
I've been in suck a dry time... but all of a sudden, I feel like everywhere I go, there is water, and there is a down pour of rain.
Its an interesting feeling.
First, because I feel completely alone in the down pour. I see other people, but they seem to have a happy sunshine over their heads, or they've found shelter somewhere to rest.
But I... I feel desperate. Partly because I got caught so full blown by first, my choice to get out of my comfort zone and make a dash for it, but also because the rain seems to be doing something ... something of a healing sort. Its not like a sweet, peaceful warm healing either. Its like I have to stand through the rain... stand through the storm to be made whole again. It feels good to my soul, but its making everything else painful. I'm getting soaked to the bones. My hair will take a half hour to comb out. My makeup is running and my face is cleared of whatever mask I've been wearing for so long.
I feel... like I've waved my white flag, and someone just gave me the biggest proudest hug ever... except that it was no one at all.
# To surrender one's claim to, right to, or interest in; give up entirely. See synonyms at relinquish.
# To cease trying to continue; desist from: abandoned the search for the missing hiker.
# To yield (oneself) completely, as to emotion.
Desperation. I feel that too.
But you know what? I'm scared. I'm scared of how time goes by so quickly, and we live a whole year of our lives in so long a period, but then Christmas rolls around once more time, and you realize how little time on this earth we really have.
It scares me. Not because I'm afraid, but because I no longer have a desire for my childish ways. I mean, I love to tease and be mischeivous and all that, but I no longer want to do what I've done. I don't want to have anymore get togethers with lots of people. I don't want to hang with anyone anymore. I want to know people preferably older than I, not because they are older, but because everyone else is younger, and I cannot relate.
Somewhere along the line, God began to break me down. I only pray that He keeps on breaking down my human nature, my attitude, my tendency at snapping.
I'm thinking that He's breaking me down into a woman somewhere, though. And thats okay with me.
I've realized something.
If every girl where to become a woman by the standards of maturity and not age, most females would not be considered women until they're late 20s to mid 30s and even beyond.
I'm absolutely amazed at how low girls hold themselves in respect. I am scared at how ignorantly willing, these girls are to flirt and give their hearts and bodies away.
I have never been so aware of the shallow desire, shallow outlooks on life, materialism and casuality of sex. Everything I've grown up to respect, to hold sacred, to learn is NOT important, is EXACTLY what I am finding that these people are buying into.
I have grown up with the idea that a woman holds herself in dignity, respect and honor. That her purity is worth more then any dimond, and that her innocence is the most beautiful gift she can give to her husband. Sex, I must admit, is more of a "lets not touch that" subject, but from what the Bible says and what it implies, it is one of the most beautiful, sacred acts of love that there is. It hits one of the deepest cores of human intimacy, and God created it exactly that way.
The idea that girls will give themselves to any guy that will have them, let alone a guy USE any girl who is willing to give herself, just for the sake of his own pleasure, cuts to a piece in my heart in a way I cannot explain.
Men should honor a young woman. A young woman should EXPECT a guy to honor her. He must have no choice.
I hope I am one of those young women.
See, in all of this, I have come to a conclusion.
What makes you a woman is not your age, is not your street-wise experience or your words, or your sensual activity.
What makes one a woman is when she has the ability to seduce any man she pleases, but chooses not to, because the developent of her character is more at stake.
What makes one a woman is when she stands on her two feet, makes her own decisions, and makes wise decisions, nontheless, and follows through with her word.
What makes a woman is one who goes through the trials that is put in her way, and she learns that God really is enough for her, and that she really DOESN'T need anything else. When she learns this, she doesn't wallow in self pity, but with a tear streaked face, she squares her shoulders, she holds high her chin, and moves on with her day with the hope that God's plan IS being fulfilled in her, day by day.
She is one that chooses to hold her tongue on the occasion that she could lash out, or ruined someone's day. She knows that sometimes, silence is the best way.
However, she is one who has well thought her oppinions, and with perspection and discernment, states her ideas while prepared to give ear to the other end, even IF she is certain of her stance on the subject.
She has mastered the ability to love unconditionally with imperfect love. She knows how to guard her heart, but doesn't know how she could care so much. It is this mix that allows her to make tough decisions not only for her sake, but also, usually for the sake of those she DOES care for.
Any guy should want to be a better man because of her. Every guy should be prompted to treat her like a lady, and nothing less.
She is not one who gives off a sent of easy prey, she is one who gives off a sent of untouched beauty that should expect gentlemen out of even the lowliest, grubbiest of men.
She is a woman when she has figured out the secret that builds a guy's ego just enough to make him want to be the bigger man, but keeps him humble just enough to know that no one should put others or be put themselves on a pedistle.
She is one who fears the Lord.
She is one who loves her husband all the days of her life... meaning before she even met him.
She doesn't quit. Her only mentality is to grow, to learn, and to go through the storms when it is inevitable that you do; Knowing that it is Good, and that God is always good, especially during those times.
THAT is a woman.
How old could she be?
Some women never actually become a woman.
Most do, at some point but
Its the women who fear the Lord that are greatly praised. Proverbs 31 says that.
I am in definite strive to be this woman.
I hope I can be.
I know that with God, I can.
Life gives it hard sometimes, but once again, I can only praise God. He is Good.
Through all the times of pain and tears (and trust me, there's been about a billion gallons of them so far...) I can only give Him glory for allowing me the experiences of life, and for renewing His mercies every morning.
One day, a woman I'll be. A poet I could, an artist I wish. All dreams. All trueness and antisipation of what could be, and what very well may be.