I've Wished For the Things That I Don't Need (All I wanted...)

So valentines day was yesterday. And you know what? it wasn't at all bad! In fact, I didn't feel the need at all to have a pity party for myself like I did the last 2 years. In fact, I had a good day.

I've realized something. I thought I wanted romance and I did. But I don't need it right now. In fact, I no longer want it right now except with my El Shaddai. The idea of being single and beautiful before my Lord is like peace upon my heart. I feel restless and I want so badly to get to know people who are on fire and ready to hit the world hard with a revelution. Can we really do that here in Ohio? Maybe. I just want to dive into a new realm. I want to record my music REALLY. Like, I want someone to think that its worth the time. I want to touch people through it. I want to touch people with what I write. I want to show people what I know. I want them to grow. I want to dive to a new level of worship. I want to feel God again. Does that sound selfish? I don't know. In order for me to do all this, I gotta be selfless.

God. Why did I think I needed a guy right now? I think I'm pulling through. I can live and love and have a sound mind about my decisions.

I'm learning whats important. You know whats important? That you not be afraid to tell your friends the truth. That you figure out who your real friends are and go from there.

Whats important is that you take every opportunity to encourage someone and to put a smile on their faces.

Have warm eyes. Thats important. Have a passionate voice. Thats important. Let everything in your heart show. thats important. And you know what? If you don't have selfishness in your heart, it won't be a problem to let everything show. Let everything show, but keep things to yourself. Be captivating. Be worthy of the gospel.

I am sooo surprised that I had a great Valentine's Day and I think I know why I did.

I didn't have expectations. I enjoyed it by wearing lots of pink and going out with a friend (Valerie) and being half of HER valentine (yes, Ryan was the other half. hmmm.... can you say God-thing?) and it was just... awesome.

Guys, my life is so crazy. I have two jobs, I intern at the church on Wednesdays along with lead cell and worship sometimes. I'm ALWAYS at the church and somehow God provides a small portion of my life for social activity. I have friends all over and I love each one dearly, even as I see and observe each quirk and flaw and take note that I have the same ones. If you have your feelings hurt, SAY SO for gosh sakes! If you have to be the one to tell a friend they're being a jerk because no one else will, THEN FREAKING SAY SO.

God! We're pansies! We don't deal, we run. I won't run anymore. I'm tired of running against God's flow. We gotta face stuff. We're not perfect. So we gotta learn how to face imperfection and accept that life is going to suck and people will be unreliable. But if you're really just relying on God ANYway, it shouldn't be too bad of a deal. DEAL. You'll be stronger. I want to be stronger. I want to be humbler. I want to be meeker.

With God's help I will.

and yeah, some one is out there and they're my match, and you can bet your bottom that I am HOPING that I get to marry him before I turn 33....okay....28....okay......24. haha. But really, I'm okay with what God wants. I've done the hard part, you know.

Now all I gotta do is walk with God and wait. I'm good with that.

Happy not-valentines day everyone. Its not the holiday, its the day. and the day is the day that the Lord has made. And God made it a lesson learned.

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Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:15