Oh my goodness.
Thats the first thing that I screened through my head as I thought of all I COULD say, while taking in the blankness of the space that will become a blog entry.
I had a talk with one of my friends today that blew me away.
It just like... God is doing something so amazing and it hurts so much.
The turn of events wasn't really what I had expected, as a whole, but its like God's ultimate plan is SO soveriegn (and I KNOW that it is) that I have this unbelievable faith that God will do what He wants, and I want what He wants.
I KNOW what I want. I want so very much. But from experiences past, I have learned that what I want isn't always God's will for my life.
That verse, "your ways are not our ways, your thoughts are high above our thoughts..."
it is more true to the way I look at everything, then any other world view.
its weird to think that God somehow did something amazing with my faith that I have more in Him then ever before, and I've never ever EVER seen this side of it. Maybe its a new side.
What the heck is happening to me?
I'm scared that I'll somehow become arrogant and vain about myself. Lord! Please please please keep me humble!
I HAVE actually done something wrong in all of this:
I said I've done nothing wrong.
I have. I've reacted the wrong ways. I have mean thoughts. I've nearly wanted to cause a great deal of pain to people who are God's;
and what kills me is that the turn of events has brought out this ugly in me that I keep swept under my rug of saintly-hood, and I'm so afraid!
I don't WANT to read my Bible.
But when I do, something just pops out as SO interesting.
I don't FEEL spiritual, yet I go to camp, with nothing more then what God puts in me, and I pray things and put into practice things I've never been able to before.
I FEEL numb,
and yet I look into eyes that are hurting, and my heart doesn't know how to reach things;
and I get uncomfortable, and I ramble and I fidget and I can't cry when I truly want to, and I cry when I don't KNOW what I feel, and I KNOW so many things in my heart, but I can't feel them in my head and in my vains.
IS THIS NORMAL?!
God!! Where AM I?! What is this that I struggle with?
Who am I that my first instinct is to march head on into everything that I know hurts, but will get me out by going through?
When has my first instinct ben to worship harder and harder NOT because I feel like it, but because its the right thing to do?
WHO AM I?!
I don't know anymore.
I had myself so figured out...
and now I'm this person that does and says things that never would have been done or said before.
Whats happening to me, Lord?
Is it possible that this person of myself is MORE the person I really am before you, then the person just 4 months ago?
I don't know.
When did I crave the need for REAL men?
Men who pursue God with all they are.
Men who are passionate, who seek and seek and seek.
Who drive to press through, who feel, and allow themselves to feel and express emotions, but square their shoulders to take the next blow.
When did my friends go from giggly teenaged girls to young women in appearence, stature, and in life in general?
When did I become a youth leader instead of a Student?
When did I become so strong to others, when I feel so much more helpless and hopeless?
When did I become so loved, and yet so very lonely in my walk?
When did I take my chances and CHOOSE to love, instead of believing I AM in love?
How have I known for so long that I need to give my dreams to God, and STILL not know how else to do it but verbalize that desire?
How DOES one give God their dreams?
I don't understand.
I'm on this crazy rollercoaster of things I've never known about myself and its like I'm on the ride of a lifetime, and its CRAZY!
Its like I'm falling and falling.... in mid air and not going anywhere.
I want SO much the things that I long for, and I'm afraid to hope for the things that seem to be too amazing to be true.
Not too good.
theres so much pain and pacience in the trueness of my dreams...that it ISN'T too good to be true, but...
it would be too amazing and even now, my heart aches with the hopes that things COULD be!
But I have to force myself to let it go. How do you let it go without forcing yourself through the pain of denying what you hope for?
maybe I'm supposed to hope for it, NOT deny it, and just lay it down.
I wonder whats easier.
pray for me, my friends.
I know I'll be okay, really. I am SO stoked to see what God will do in this year to come.
My God knows.
My God is Able.
My God will do what He wants in His time.
And I trust My God, because He has ONLY proven Himself faithful.
So even though I am struggling with my emotions because I must get THROUGH them, I am set firmly on the foundation that God's will is happening, and there's nothing I can do to change His plans.
THATS pretty amazing.
I always end here. Present. Pacient. Quietly waiting. Thoughtful. Hurting. Loving. Learning.
Maybe I know how to give God my dreams after all?
guess I'll find out.