A comment on my last blog got me thinking.
Romance is supposed to be renewed, right?
Okay. I'm done wallowing. YES. I've been wallowing. I've needed to wallow.
I've been wallowing because, gosh, now I know what it feels like to be pursued and treated like a princess (uhh... mostly.)
I know what I've been missing out from. I guess thats why I feel sorry for myself a little, but you know? Why would God allow me to experience something like that and give me less the next time? Because...
He DID give me this something beautiful.
He allowed me to experience a great amount of romance - sweet and wonderful.
But He also allowed me to experience pain. A great deal of pain.
"Why me?!" I sometimes ask God.
"Why not you, Sarah?" was the reply.
"But, I feel so used, Lord!"
"But you said, 'use me'."
"Yes, but... but... this hurts!"
"I know, sweetheart."
"Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done."
I don't know. I'm just done wallowing.
Maybe I need to renew my romance with the Lord.
I think thats what it is that I need to do right now. I love Jesus, I need to start showing Him better. I need to start doing things for him, telling him how much I care about him. Spending time with him, singing to him, possibly drawing him nearer? Is there a way to draw him unto myself like you would a regular guy? I don't know. I mean, love, and the whole idea of flirting and attracting someone, is all part of the whole picture of LOVE, is it not? So if God made me to do that, maybe I SHOULD do that... with God.
Maybe I should allow God to woo me, to call me out.
Maybe look at God as my Lover as well as my Friend?
Is that even possible? It will be hard. I never see Him. Sigh. Thats always my problem. I always have to have faith that God will reveal Himself to me in time, just like I have to have faith that God has someone out there for me.. even though I can't see.
I almost hate that I'm so attracted to romance. I wish I could say that I'm better then that, that I'm harder then that. That I'm not as pathetic as that.
Unfortunately, I am not. AND I have feelings too. I feel a great deal.
You know, I feel brushed aside sometimes by people. I feel like since I happen to be trying with all my heart to do the right thing in all of this, people go, "good for you! You're soooooooooo amazing!"
What?! No. I am NOT amazing. I suck. If most of you knew, you wouldn't think that. I struggle. I struggle to let things go. I struggle to let things grow. I hurt. I feel like it wasn't fair. I sit there and smile at people and tell them thatGod is in control, but then I go home and I cry and cry and cry, and ask God why I deserved any of this.
Do you know how wrong it is to really actually ask God why, eSPECIALLY since I wasn't there when He created the heavens, the earth and creation? Who the heck am I to ask why?
and yet I have the guts to ask anyway. Why? Because God allows for me to be imperfect. He understands. He understands when I vent my frustrations.
Thats why I love him.
I could cuss Him out, and He'd still bless me. He'd still listen. And He showed me that actually, He'd rather have me cuss Him out then not talk to Him at all.
...you know? He's so good to us. I don't understand this, but His demensions to love us far surpasses ours.
I mean really? Why and how does He love us with a love that is bigger then US? Why?
I dunno. All I know is that I want more of that love. I want more of Him in my life.
"More Love, more power, more of you in my life. More faith, more passion, more of you in my life. And I will worship You, with all of my heart. and I will worship you, with all of my mind. And I will worship You with all of my strenth. You are my Lord, You are my Lord."
Sarah is growing again. and no, its not height-wise, thank you. Nore is it mustache-wise. Its my spiritual-eyes. *wink*. yes yes, I'm still my same old Sarah self.