I've decided that my safest bet is to become a nun.

Its true!

of course, I have those appose the idea such as Zach,
and those who would join me in the act, such as Gillian.


this is all very silly and dumb.

I'm at a strange point in my life right now.

You know, after about a month or so into the year, God brought me to this point where I enjoyed all that life had to offer me. I was open to any and all friendships, I cut my hair, I changed things up a bit, and I enjoyed as I allowed myself to become this person who had evolved on the inside, now bursting forth on the outside.

It was so fun! I had cried my tears, and now I had joy. Me and God, God and me. no problems.

And here I am again...

except.. I don't feel joy. I don't feel really anything but lots of feelings I don't like to feel.

Can I be blatently honest?

I'm losing hope in Romance.
There's something in my heart that swears it would be better for me to just not hope anymore; that I'm holding out for things that don't exist.

I don't even know whats happening to me anymore.

Where does God want me?

My mind is reeling with things I've said that I shouldn'tve. Promises I made with words that were foolish.
They were so foolish! I want to be a woman of my word, and yet, I can't guarentee that everything I said I wish could happen, will!

I'm just begining to regret a lot of things I've done. I've been so stupid. I gave a nice piece of myself away... for real.

Interestingly enough, my heart is totally in tact. Its not broken. I think its determined to come out strong.

I'm ... I'm just not strong. I'm little. I have nothing. I have screwed up. I know where I made my mistakes. But, I think I completed the math lesson, you know? I didn't do as bad as I could have, and I messed up because, I'm really not perfect!

Its nice to be complete with it.

It just seems like this dream of mine is unridable.

I can't shake it. I can't get rid of it.

I almost hate it.


Nevertheless, not my will Lord, but Yours be done.

1 comment:

  1. Zach isn't the only one who'd be opposed to you becoming a nun. ;-)

    But look sweetheart, you should know by now that Romance isn't something you find, and can keep. It needs to be renewed. The reason newly weds often have so many problems is because the romance fades and they wonder why. When it leaves they feel depressed. Perhaps it doesn't really exist? Perhaps it's just a mocking shadow...

    But no, it's definately real, and it IS worth persuing; AT the proper time...

    You need to renew romance and persue it. Nothing with stay "interesting" and "facinating" for life. It must be updated and maintained. We are demanding creatures, and when want fresh things fast. After a while we get bored. And thus romance seems to die.

    It won't die however if you keep refreshing it and working at it, but to be painfully obvious, you're not in a position to be renewing and upkeeping romance in your life (yet). ;-) So let it go for now. And when the time comes, rediscover it, and chase after it. Polishing it every day, and refusing to let it grow stagnant. ;-) Love ya lil princess.

    Your part-time bodyguard


Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:15