I've decided that my safest bet is to become a nun.
of course, I have those appose the idea such as Zach,
and those who would join me in the act, such as Gillian.
this is all very silly and dumb.
I'm at a strange point in my life right now.
You know, after about a month or so into the year, God brought me to this point where I enjoyed all that life had to offer me. I was open to any and all friendships, I cut my hair, I changed things up a bit, and I enjoyed as I allowed myself to become this person who had evolved on the inside, now bursting forth on the outside.
It was so fun! I had cried my tears, and now I had joy. Me and God, God and me. no problems.
And here I am again...
except.. I don't feel joy. I don't feel really anything but lots of feelings I don't like to feel.
Can I be blatently honest?
I'm losing hope in Romance.
There's something in my heart that swears it would be better for me to just not hope anymore; that I'm holding out for things that don't exist.
I don't even know whats happening to me anymore.
Where does God want me?
My mind is reeling with things I've said that I shouldn'tve. Promises I made with words that were foolish.
They were so foolish! I want to be a woman of my word, and yet, I can't guarentee that everything I said I wish could happen, will!
I'm just begining to regret a lot of things I've done. I've been so stupid. I gave a nice piece of myself away... for real.
Interestingly enough, my heart is totally in tact. Its not broken. I think its determined to come out strong.
I'm ... I'm just not strong. I'm little. I have nothing. I have screwed up. I know where I made my mistakes. But, I think I completed the math lesson, you know? I didn't do as bad as I could have, and I messed up because, I'm really not perfect!
Its nice to be complete with it.
It just seems like this dream of mine is unridable.
I can't shake it. I can't get rid of it.
I almost hate it.
Nevertheless, not my will Lord, but Yours be done.