I understand that I haven't written even as much as I would think I would. Truth is, if I'm not writing in here, its in my personal journals. I go in spurts, if you will. Sometimes I have something thats just BURSTING at the seems to be shared with the world, and then there are other things that need a quiet moment of reflection with just me and God in mind.
So far, its mostly been just quiet reflection.
But today! Today is different.
I am finally ready after about 2 months, to share my thoughts with you.
First, I don't even know how to even measure up to the things I have written in the past.
I read things that I wrote in this blog a year ago, and I think two things.
the first thing is, "WOW... I could WRITE!!"
The other thing was, "hmmmm.... whether I intended to sound that way or not, I sound arrogant."
I guess its something God grows you up from. I didn't mean to sound arrogant, and in my heart I really wasn't, but in my attitude, I very well may have been.
And then I think of where I was a year ago. Its shocking. I SEEM the same, but I know better. I'm not. I'm different.
I'm not even sure if I like being different. Am I quiet-spirited? Am I faithful? Am I acting worthy of the gospel?
But by the grace of Jesus, my salvation is not based on my works, but on my faith that His blood has made me new and free from the bondage of sin.
Sometimes I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. I feel like every time I do something right, everything goes more wrong then if I had done it wrong.
I feel like such a mess up.
I don't listen to God when I should, But I sure talk alot to Him.
Then, I look for His answers when I already have them and should be putting them into action.
The last 6 months have been a real stretch for me. I've had to face my biggest fears and realize, its not killing me like I thought I would.
I've kept myself busy to the point of exhaustion only to find that I must still face inevitable pain at the end of the day.
In the last 6 months I've realized that I don't care if you call yourself a Christian or not, you can cause more pain by insensitive little comments then you would if you flat told me you thought I was the most ugly being in the world.
Or... How do you deal with someone who was once your best friend to not even look at you as though you were nonexistant... EVERY DAY.
Can I be simply honest? Christmas break was the best thing that happened to me in the last 6 months! It was the most relaxing, the most NICE time. No strife. No feeling of rejection.. no feeling stupid. No feeling like a total outsider. No feeling like I'm the hated odd one out.
I surrounded myself with people who care about me. Do you know how good that feels?
I took it for granted I think.
Its so nice to just be trouble about one little thought and to have someone come up to me and just ask, "Hey, I see somethings wrong. Don't tell me its not! I can tell by your eyes! Spill it, girl."
Sorry, but no one does that. I am alone where I am.
Its the hardest part of where I am right now.
But this does not make up for a miserable life. It just makes up for a lot of pain and a lot more reason to surrender to Jesus every time I have a chance.
Then there are the people who love me. They see my house a mess, they take me to work when my brakes give out on my car, they text me throughout the day to see how I'm doing, they invite me to things, they make me feel worth while. They make me want to dress up again. They make me want to feel beautiful. They make me press on. They give me pep talks and they bless me with hugs or a knowing smile. They give me books to read that they know I'd like. They trust me with their thoughts and they don't hesitate to break out into prayer whether by IM, text, phone, email or in person. Yes, we get on eachothers nerves at times, but these people respect me! They care about my heart, they care about my feelings, they care about what affects me JUST AS MUCH as I do them!
Is it not the most biggest blessing?
And then, the blessing of my family. We do not have strife. Strife is hidden tention that we won't let surface. No, our underlying spirit and atmosphere is love, whether or not we're having our best day or not. My family is by no means perfect. But I am proud of them. I'm proud of the Jesus they're learning to know. I'm proud that they're trying to figure it out. I'm proud that they're struggling to seek him even when they sometimes have a hard time believing He's even there.
And you know what gets me? People actually think they have the right to openly show their dissaproval of them to my face!
My human reaction? I wanna beat em up.
My Christian reaction? Be ticked at anyone who thinks they have a right to judge my family when I've lived with them for just about 19 years of my life and don't have that attitude towards them!!!
You know what really bothers me? Young Christian adults with NO humility or Character. It makes me mad. I just want to look at them and go, " Who do you think you are?!" Really?
A comment that made me tick BUT think was, "You always have something to say about everything, Sarah."
For the first time in a long time, I knew that was wronger then a door knob being attached to a ceiling and being called a fan.
I shot that down so fast I didn't know what hit me. Do you know how many times I DON'T say something? I may talk alot, mind you, which I'll be the first to admit, gets me into issues of misscomunication problems, but I can ASSURE you ALL that if I spoke my mind HALF the time I had something to say something about, the world would be full of Sarah opinions. I know I say stuff, but I only truly talk publically about stuff I KNOW where I stand on! Other times its to throw an idea out there. Do you know how many times I'm usually shot down by voicing my thoughts? 95 percent of the time. Am I right to, sure! Is it worth is, maybe. Am I tired of the same ppl being ignorant and just wanting to look cool to other people? ABSOLUTELY!
Seriously, I even get shot down HERE on occasion. Do I agree with it? NO.
I think if you have an issue with what I write and its about moral things, you'd better email me right away!!!
If its because you've got issues with me or are looking for a good argument? Go AWAY. If I bother you so much, why read my blog? Its only causing you to stumble!
I've been roughed up on the edges a little bit.
I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm sorry I don't have some beautifully written, profound entry today. I wish I did, honestly. Iguess I have to learn how to write that again. But really, I have nothing too special to say.
I'm just a girl having issues with things that go unseen for the most part. You know? I think part of the issue is that I feel like I go unseen alot.
isn't that a thought, now?