the most beautiful thing in the world...
...a worship service filled with a few hundred ppl, where the only musical instrument going is a guitar a strum here or there just to keep everyone on track as the leaders, the vocalists, the instrumentalists step back, arms stretching to the sky as the world seems to shake at the sound of the voices lifting in one sound unto a God whom people proclaim is unreal.
Let me tell you something... when you experience that passion, that deep call of praise as the deepest parts of 200 souls cries out to the deepest part of all infinite, YHWH, you would never be able to bring yourself to say that the God we serve isn't real, with a clean conscience.
It is THE SINGLE most beautiful thing of mass beauty to experience EVER.
The second most beautiful thing in the world is watching a person you've been pouring into GROW RAPIDLY in the Lord, as they GET IT. If there is something I LOVE about youth ministry, its when teens don't stray, they clinge to the cross.
OOOH man. What a blessed woman I am. At barely 19 years of age, I have experienced the true and most FULFILLING joy of ministry: seeing fruit, and fruit abundantly!
These things make me forget about myself. These things make me openly weep with joy, as I write this with tears filling my eyes to a point where all I can see is the blur of the pc screen.
I talked with my brothers both on different nights... and I finally was able to express my hurt over being called "Saintly Sarah" and my parents "Sucess Story". With tears I was able to share that you don't get refined like I am without a price. I know that Jesus paid the ultimate price, but I've also paid a price to be like Jesus. I've been through much pain. I've been through much anger. I've loved wholey, and I've been rejected entirely. Little things that made me a more beautiful person were expressed to my brothers as I was able to share encouragement on what they're going through because (though not situationally) I went through the same spiritual struggle they are (and may I add, continue to, each to a different degree and level.)
I think I gained respect and understanding from them, which weirdly enough is important to me. They are both younger then me, 16 and 14, and yet their understanding of who I am and why means much more then I thought it ever would. I love my family. I love them with all my heart. I hate many things about our dynamics, but its those very things that remind me how real they are... and how much they're grown in Jesus.
Words will never express how thankful I am for them. I'll miss them... very very much.
God knew I'd need my family.
I once told Him I hated them. I hated being apart. I hated being the oldest. I hated everything about them.
7 years later... (what a beautiful number) ... I'm saying the most oposite, most wonderful and real thing:
I love them. I think I need to tell God that more often. I love being apart, though I know its time for me to follow God out into His will for my life. I LOVE being the oldest, though it hurts to know that the younger my siblings go, the less involved I'll be with them, and that hurts like.... I don't know. I regret the inevitable. I love most everything about them. Their loudness, their REALness. They're "THEMness". I don't think I express my thankfulness enough for them. I need to tell God that more often.
until then, my heart is longing for a beautiful old place where I hope the Lord sends me... ywam is looking like a lovely orginization! I'm praying for a true releasing to go there.
I hope I'm released. Maybe I'm just waiting for the nudge.
Dear Lord, NUDGE ME!