Alive Festival - my first year.
What to think, what to say, what think some more...
It was awesome. There were so many things that went wrong the week before and it was so discouraging, but the truth is that God does what He wants, and that I really didn't have to worry about stuff if what He wants was going to happen anyway, as it so very often does (because He knows what'll happen, so it works into His amazing plan as it always does. Wasn't THAT enlightening?)
So I went to Alive Festival and slept on the hard, cold ground for 3 nights. It was one of those things where you feel like you just want to complain about it except that you ALSO know how good it is for you and how it was your choice to begin with, so you bear it all and somehow take joy in the whole situation... except for when you're tossing and turning all night long *wink*.
I have got to say: I LOVE working behind the scenes. I love working in front ON the scenes. I love just working for God. Honestly, as I worked the booths I worked, I knew that half the bands could've cared less because really, when its being taken care of, you don't have to worry about it. But that didn't matter. I worked knowing that whether those people knew it or not, I was blessing them with my time. I was blessing them with my love to their fans. I was blessing them before God. And it blessed ME to bless them.
Is that selfless? Not really. I totally understand that I got gratification out of it. Its not really why I did it though. Its just where I fit in: serving people when they'll never know I was.
I LOVE doing that! I LOVE doing stuff that no one will ever know I did. Its weird to get gushing gratitude. I'm not even telling this to GET recognized either - its just such a JOY that its hard to hold it in!
Talking to the different people I did, God showed me some things.
First, God showed me that God loves these people. He loves every single one of them.
He loves the gorgeous little blond girl that waltzes on by, who looks like she's 24 when in all reality, she's only 14.
He loves the overweight lady with the cane who's having a hard time being on her feet all day.
He loves all the little 12 year old guys who cultivate their long-hair-over-the-eyes-and-think-hawk-nelson-is-a-sissy-band group and who jump off of the high-dives in the middle of the night to impress the girls.
He loves all the guys and girls who pack it all up, leaving their family and friends for weeks on end to tour the different festivals because they're in "the band".
He loves all the people in between.
He loves them all and He wants to love them through me.
He wants to love them through you.
This festival really hit the music in me. I forgot that I love music. I forgot that I love how it draws people - how it makes them forget themselves - how it makes them think of God and the bigger picture. I forgot that it makes my heart sing and my feet dance. I forgot that its the soundtrack to my life.
I forgot that it is worship if I chose it to be.
I think I forgot that its a ministry in itself.
And this is a totally Biblical idea, really. Music being a ministry. David would play his harp before the Lord in the fields. He'd play his harp before the king. No matter where he was, private or performance, he did it as worship unto the Lord, and he was a man after God's own heart.
So I sat back and watched.
Music as a ministry and music as an industry.
I notice that some have been lost in the industry.
I notice that some have been lost in the ministry.
But I must say: its the most lovely thing to find someone who isn't lost in either of those things but rather, that they are lost in Jesus.
Its such a struggle of pride no matter where anyone goes.
No matter what you're interested in or what you want to do with your life, there is a WHOLE SET of pride issues that you need to fight if you want to do it souly for the Lord.
Those are things to think about.
God's reeally been humbling me lately. Its kind of a mix of humiliation and just testing my faith some more. I don't usually like to give satan a lot of credit for whats going on because usually alot of it stems from my own sinful nature and the crap that God has been bringing up and out of me lately but... I've definitely felt like I'm hated by the enemy. I'm reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time, (and ha! it LOOKS like a fast read, but its really not, especially if God's reading it with you. Its a LOT to take in and think about.) and I'm just noticing all of the pitfalls I fall into on a REGULAR basis. Fantasizing being one of them. I'm prone to think about what COULD be when to be honest I'm spending THIS MOMENT living in a NOT guaranteed future. Its a dormant waste of life! Or how about distractions? I'm terribly distracted all the time. The only time I'm almost completely focused is when, well, I'm completely focused like right now. When I write, it drives me nuts when someone is right next to me or even in the same room as me. I HAVE to be by myself. But if something is deliberately being a distraction to me, it freaking annoys me. BUT if its not obvious, it slowly attracts my attention away and before I know it, I've lost all focus on my original focal point all together!
I HATE that!
Why? Because that is exactly how I turn from God. That is exactly how I lose focus on Jesus. Every day I fight to re GAIN focus on Jesus. If I don't meet Him every couple of hours, I'm a gonner and I totally forget Him all together.
I hate that about myself.
Its how Jesus humbles me. I see it and I hate it. But He loves me anyway. That blows me away, folks. It should blow you away too.
He sees the depths of my heart and He loves me the same... He is amazing God.
Its a test of my faith to fight it. But I think God is testing my mind. He says He tests the minds.
"But I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give each man according to his ways, according the results of his deeds." - Jeremiah 17:10
so I wrote a new song. It needs some refining, but you know? So does everything in life. Ask me some time to sing it for you.
To Live what One Sings
By Sarah F. G-------
I remember having high hopes for my life
I could look out and almost see myself in flight
And now I sit here on this floor
As I find the depth of life is so much more
It's praying and it's waiting on the Lord
It’s moving and it’s seeing by His word
There are many who’ve answered Your call
So why do I feel so alone, left to weigh out it all
I look down through my tears
And I see my legs are broken, and that I’m facing my fears
And now I find myself in Your heart
Starting to see things the way You are
I now that You found me, I know
That to lose myself in You, I must let go
I feel like I’ve just left boot camp
I don’t feel like a loser, but sure don’t feel like a champ
I morn the loss of familiar ways
But I’m following God, and he’s not there anymore
He’s on to a brand new day
And I’ll find myself where You are
As I see things the way You are
I’ll press on to all that is new
I’ll go through it all to see that I grew
I grew in You
I’ve built a callous to all the pain
And the first time I’m way, I realize all I have to gain
My little hurts all come out of hiding
Each one met with mercy and healing – I’m healing
I see that praying and waiting on the Lord,
Is what moves me to live by His word…
And I find myself wrapped in Your arms
No counterfeit could touch Your part
As I allow You to make me whole
My life matters less and You matter more…
Well, I hope you guys are growing as much as I am. Its the worst, most wonderful thing in the world to be doing all the time.
But alas, it is time for my departure.
So be blessed and find Jesus as your complete joy. He never changes. That is exciting!
God is exciting.