What an interesting blog this must be.
There's so much of me in here... why need I hide? I continue in my persuence to express myself more accurately.
A jumble of emotions right now... an intern friend who has now become a pastor just called me and we talked for a while. I forgot how much I enjoyed hearing him rant about things, hehe. Its nice to know he hasnt found someone quite yet to replace me. I think I miss arguing with him and I definitely miss his wife and girls. It made me feel loved, I really must say.
I don't think I've ever experienced this much hate in my life as I have in the last year and a half or so.
The things that get back to me about what people say come through the most unlikely people and there's always the question of, "How did YOU hear about THAT?!"
Its been several months now since my last night at my old church and even more time since my last day as an intern.
It blows me away that people are still talking bad about me and my family. Don't they have anything better to do with their lives?
They definitely can't take what animosity they have into the ministry. However, this is not what I must fix. God will work that out with them. My part is to forgive. I've never learned so much about forgiveness as I have this last year. I've never had to forgive so much in my LIFE! I don't think I truly understand why peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive our neighbors and God said, "70 times 7, Peter." And through this passage Jesus whispers to me through His spirit as I question Him ,"How many times, Lord?"
"Seventy times 7, My Child. Keep on going..."
I've never cried so much in my entire life as I have in this last season of my life. And I continue to cry just as often.
There's so much healing that God is doing in me. There's so much confirmation.
There's so much....yuck in my own heart.
Without all the accountability at the church, I'm held accountable by God. Does anyone know how humbling that is? There's no PLACE for selfrighteousness! NoNE! I can't even say something even partially judging without thinking if I have a place to have that oppinion of any such thing.
And then there's the lack of friends.
Friends I lack.
or better yet, friends who have completely walked away.
And this of course leaves me to question other friendships I thought I had. And this leads to a lack of trust.
And then I think even though I know its not true, I've been replaced. I'm so replaceable.
God, it hurts so much.
Its so hard because some of these ppl know me so well that even after we are no longer friends, ALL I have to do is catch their eye across the room and I know what they're thinking and they know what I'm thinking and we'd share a private, intimate moment. I CANT do that. It wouldn't show my respect to them.
I respect their wishes, and to be honest, I respect my heart enough to know that the more I play the game of compromise, the more I hurt myself in the long run.
I played that game with my last boyfriend after I broke up with him. How silly I was to think I could balance what is already one-sided?
And then there are those who have left or are about to leave. I sometimes envy them. I wish I were going. I wish my future were so promising. I wish I could get away from the place where I know backwards and forwards but no longer belong. And so I wait. I wait and I love on people as I go... as much as I can.
But then there are those people that you love reguardless of how much into each others lives you are. There are those you so highly respect... and SO wish you could deserve some day. But you can't. And they are out of reach.
How do you love someone so dearly and deal with whether you'll ever talk to them again? How do you let them go? Gracefully.
I've learned that no one is ever yours. No matter how many promises you might have. No matter what you feel God has and no matter how long you think a friendship will last, God ways are never our ways. And we misconstrue what we think He is saying SO many times.
So I've learned to hear His voice NOT in the raging storm, not in the quaking earth and never in fire-come down emotional times. His voice is the voice of Truth and of reasonable undignification. It is never something to doubt because the way He speaks to our hearts can never be doubted. Its not even that "you just know". Its that He speaks in a way that no one else can. AND... He speaks right at the most mundane ordinary moments... right into my everyday conversations, adding His beautiful thoughts into my own and being able to repeat it for the first time out loud. And I know its Him. And He knows the way He speaks to me is perfect for me.
He knows I'm lonely.
I wonder if I ask for miracles.... what would he do? I wonder if I ask for good, Godly friends, what he would say.
I should try, shouldn't I?