To begin with, the 3 pictures directly above what I'm writing seem to sum up my life in the last year.
A weeping willow tree - weeping, beautiful, strong.
a dancer - I have this one on my dresser - this little thing so very clearly identifies with my heart before the Lord, especially this last year.
And the exhausted, sobbing angel. If I could picture my spirit, it might've looked something like this....
Sometimes I wish I wasn't so curious about how people are doing all the time because I'm usually dissapointed.
A wise woman told me all my life, "Sarah, don't put your trust in people. People will ALWAYS let you down. Put your trust in Jesus. He never ever changes."
The same woman also told me all my life, "Sarah, you were never meant to fit in. You were always made to stick out. Thats a gift!!"
Two very profound statements that have surrounded my life like a swarm of bees around their hive.
Always happening. Always moving. ALWAYS relevant.
What a deep, wounded year for me.
Fold after fold of pain upon pain, attack upon personal attack.
A moment in life where I was made to count it all loss for the sake of the Cross.
The cross I would bare.
I don't think I've cried so bitterly in my life, as I have in this phase of these long and yet so shortly lived 12 months.
I don't think I've been so lonely. I don't think I've been so slain within my heart.
I don't think I've ever seen a more broken heart then mine. I guess you could try to compare it to one I saw breaking on the church steps a few years ago, inbetween services, as she learned her boyfriend had died. But I don't think you can. This heart desires deeply to do the will of God. It has been seasoned, even if just a little. This agony I dare say, may go much deeper. I may have kissed the agony of Christ. Shared with Him in His dispare. In His batrayal. His best friend betrayed Him for silver - for the religious leaders. The "Church". His other friend denied he ever knew Him 3 times, after he so loudly and boldly stated he would follow Him even unto death. I have known such betrayal, even if just a fraction. But even to the small extent I have endured, the pain was 10 times worse.
A very simple cry, I have indeed begged Him.
"To watch with Me for an hour, Child."
A deep, ingrained answer to the very core of my being. I know why. Because I am His. A true disciple. He will take me on a Journey that He Himself has gone.
And, there will be moments of ministry that will need a tear-stricken revelution. A conlusion made with the most needy of hearts - the testimonies I bear.
This is soo so new to me. I forgive easily when someone admits they're wrong.
Its easy, isn't it?
But what if they think they're right? What if they don't care? What if they take joy in hurting you or if they put you in a place where YOU have to explain EVERYTHING when its nothing you can fix and its nothing that you did?
Seven times, Lord?
"No Child, Seventy times Seven. Keep Going, dear One."
I have never been so strained in this place before. Give grace when all you feel is hate? I admit, I am more angry at injustice and being accused wrongly then I am of the actual offence itself. I am angry of the actions that proceed the supposed "clearing up" of an issue.
Its so WRONG!
God is God, and vengance is His.
Let forgiveness flow.
I am a hypocrite. I have unforgiveness in my soul. It runs in my vains into my very torn up heart. I have been so very very wounded.
I mean, really, theres a well inside of me thats bursting and I don't know how to just let it go. But I WANT to let it go. I want to cry until I'm free.
I think thats the point. This is where God wants me.
Where I am in a place where I'm not in charge.
I WANT to do the right thing, and the rest of it, I'm not in control of.
Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak kindly to her.
"Then I will give her her vineyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth...
And it shall be, in that day,”
Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master'".
I am a broken bride.
I have given my heart away to so many things - I've been a harlot of sorts.
Yet He called me here.
Blessed year of 2008.
A right to womanhood.
A passageway through which I become intimate with Him.
A place where I will not only sing as I did in the days when I first met Him, but I will be redeemed because I have lost so much innocence.
Every tear, God told me, He knows what exactly its for. He knows the reason for it.
I must have had so many unspoken, unformed reasons this year.
But one thing I've learned more then anything this last year is: I NEED Him. I NEED Jesus. He's MORE than enough for me. He IS my Love. He IS my life. He FILLS my desires. He quenches my thirsts. Every word that proceeds from His mouth is better then mere bread. His love is better then wine. Nothing can satisfy the void that only He can fill.
Friends can't fill it, boyfriends can't fill it, my dreams can't fill it, my music can't fill it, WORDS can't fill it, my ego can't fill it. Nothing can!
I am poor. I am in deed. My spirit is quiet, poor, humbled. Faithful.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs in the Kingdom of God."
Heh. These people have the kingdom of God. What a witness. What a way to draw all men unto Himself.
The Vineyard. A place where I worked hard. Dark but lovely. But Jesus said to me, "Martha, Martha, Martha."
And I knew, the Vineyard was not my ministry. Jesus was. And when I began to touch that concept the most amazing thing happened in my heart: a Garden began to flurish, full throttle.
"And He will give her her vineyards from there"...
So very cleverly thought, that I go to a Vineyard church now.
Growing friendships, endless possibilites.
A new job.
Light at the end of the tunnel?
I don't know. I'm too busy staring at the Center of my life to pay attention to that. Everything just.... comes together in chaotic unision to revolve around this thing called God's Love.
"And all of a sudden, I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great You're affections are for me."
A new year is the most exciting thing that could happen for me right now.
To leave it all behind and press on.
"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
in order that I mayattain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. "
Its one of my most favorite things Paul ever said.
And I will end this entry with that.
Not that I've been made perfect, but this I know, forgetting those things which are behind, I press on towards the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
So let it be done, in Jesus Name.
I love you, dear brothers and sisters. Thank you for reading.