Absence of Words... a glorious.... most torturous resort.
So there are both funny things and serious things going on in my mind right now. I guess I'll start with funny cause I want time to write about the stuff that is more thoughtful.
First!!! THIS is funny:
1. "I'm your biggest fann!!!!!!!1!1!1!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!11!!!!11!!!!one!!!!"
2. "OF COURSE I know enough about Hawaii to be a tour guide! “This is a beach. Flirt on it. This is the ocean. Flirt in it. Here are some palm trees. Flirt under them. This is your snazzy hotel room….I’ll let you two figure it out from here…That’ll be $10,000 plus a handsome tip.” And the rest I would just google a minute or two before the tour…" -MW
3. Its the Beaver's life for me... I just got damned things going on everywhere!
--my best friends grandma
4.Sharin: YOU are full of bologna, Sarah.
Sarah:....... no, *pause*...I'm full of guts!
5."Steak makes everything better. After all, if we're eating animals, then we're not eating people. And if we're not eating people... thats a good thing!" - Me (yes, I occasionally find myself funny)
6.I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never -"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.
- Stephen Crane
7."...you may find me fat, but you will find me, very easily, you will find me." -- part of a poem out a cute "101 poems to get you through the day" sort of book I looked at in Barnes and Nobles
8.Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. - Miss Piggy
9. When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. - Cynthia Heimel (not entirely what I would call funny, but since this seems to be the the theory of my life, I thought it fit well.)
10. I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. - Mother Theresa (oh, to relate to the complaints in many of us. hehe. I chuckled at this one.)
And just so you know, many were copied and pasted. I wouldn't go through the trouble of writing these out here as my little coffee shop hang out will be closing soon. Some of these sayings seem to sum up my life and its pretty funny. What else can you do? Nothing. I'm probably one of the most awkward people I'll ever know. The grand part of all of this? Here's seriously the secret: I pretend like I MEAN to be awkward all the time so that it doesn't make any difference when I really DO feel absolutely awkward.
I've been thinking alot about this word lately.
I really am one, aren't I?
I mean, I've known this for quite a while. But I guess you get reminded when you're submitted into a new clan of people.
So I was talking to some girls about some of what I believe. I don't know, its great to hang out but you don't really know them until you get to.. well... know them.
I'm a misfit.
Hah, I was talking about how I think I may scare some guys in small group and I don't know but something was said that made me think a little.
Maybe I'm a "little too much for guys but you know, in a good way."
AHha. The age old phrase in my head. No one's ever actually said that to me, before now. Well, in no particular terms, I've been sort of told that all my life. I'm too much to handle (hello, and who gave anyone permission to handle me?) I've got too big of a personality, too big of a laugh. Too intense. Too bold. Too upfront. I give too much away of who I am.
I'm too deep sometimes. Too much. OR or, here's the other one, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough not smart enough not womanly enough not girly enough not tomboyish enough just... not enough.
But mostly its that I'm too much.
Now I understand that God is just totally moving me around for which I am quite grateful! To not initiate everything all the time, including pursuing the desires I have for full time ministry.
I need to let God do it all in His time and I need to do what He has me to do NOW, and He'll bring the opportunity as it comes, but I'm not to MAKE it happen.
Too much though...
I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, but I guess it just hit me in a really deep place some where that goes back to the time where I was about 8... "Sarah, you laugh too much. AND really loud. Its just too much." hah, I remember that first "too much" very very well. I was 8 or 9. I'm nearly 20 and I still check myself to make sure I'm not laughing too much or too loud.
I KNOW that's not how God sees it, I really do! But this is just a different sort of thing. Its a place where, along with my difficult acceptance of being a misfit, has been something I've faced all my life.
But then I'm filled with peace.
Right here, is where Jesus meets me.
He knew so much. He saw so much. He WAS too much for everyone to handle.
Who can handle God? No man.
He never fit in, in fact, He brought other misfits to fit in with Him.
Do you know - this is a hard concept for a child to get their head around. I was no exception. How do you tell your kid who can't make friends ANYwhere that God has called them to stick out? I'm not sure you can. My mom used to tell me all the time that I shouldn't try to fit in, but she didn't understand either when I cried and cried in her arms when I came home from an event.
I wonder if Jesus felt that way as a child. I wonder if He wondered if there was something wrong with Him? My childhood is a memory. I remember being brilliantly creative. I have since then become much more dull. But oh, I was a cool kid. I just wish I could have been able to come along myself really, the things I could tell myself! The hugs I would give... I would cry great tears as I held this child.
I wonder if thats why Jesus came. So that He could reach the misfits. I think thats it. I think I just hit it on the head. He became a man because He wanted to show us that - oh, the hugs He would give. Oh the great tears He cries as He holds each child. And then I wonder, even then did He hold me? Do His tears change for my age? I hope not. I think He knew who I'd become. And I think that's why He can love us no more then He already does - because He KNOWS us. When He knew me at 3, saying yes to Jesus in my baby voice, He knew the same me at 18, saying yes to Him again. When He knew my wholly romantic heart at 15, He knew me when I will be 56, fully enthralled, hopefully, in the Love of God.
The misfit, through and through.
I went to Ihop Cleveland last Saturday and 2 young women approached me and asked me if they could pray for me.
Then they began to speak of me being called to be a voice in the wilderness, making ready the people of God.
SLAM. My heart broke. That's it. That's why I'm here. I'm SUPPOSED to be on the outside.
Something else, as well here - People will be drawn to the wilderness because of who I am - the "too much" that apparently I have is exactly the thing God wants to use to draw people unto Himself.
The grand thing of it all? These girls told me that I need to remember though, that I can't worry about moving the hearts of man. Another slam. I knew this was for me.
I just need to worry about moving the Heart of God - because that is my greatest glory - His Love for me. And He'll do everything else.
God, thats AMAZING. You know? He DESIRES all that is too much for man, because it wasn't MEANT for man. It was meant for God - and all of a sudden, my "too much" becomes exactly His portion from me. Its all that He desires. Its enough for God.
We've been getting wrong for so long!!