"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.
thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
I believed Him.
I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.
So what happened?
People hurt you deeply.
Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.
Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."
I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.
I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....
Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.
But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?
And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.
But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?
I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.
I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?
This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.
But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.
you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.