I'm sitting here in my Standford t-shirt, skinny jeans that are so tight I'm not sure how I'm going to get them off right now, and a cup of coffee in hand, laughing very hard at the stories about about to share with you, courtesy of www.mylifeisaverage.com.
Today, an annoying Facebook friend was counting down the number of friends he had left to get to 1,000. When he finally reached 1,000, he made a big post to celebrate. I removed him as a friend. I win.
Today, my friends and I were walking across campus in between when, quite suddenly, a guy in a banana suit biked past us, almost running into one of my friends. We were pretty offended, at least until ten seconds later when another guy in a gorilla suit ran past us, chasing after him. I love college
This morning at 11:11, I wished that I didn't need to go all the way to the kitchen, though I was starving. Moments later my mom brought me pancakes. Tonight, I'm wishing for a unicorn.
"Today, I was playing 20 questions online. The category was animals. It asked me if it was alive. I said yes, thinking of a hippo. It guessed Godzilla. Knowing that Godzilla is still alive, I fear for my safety."
Today, I was eating pringles when I noticed the 200 average per can. I actually counted and saw 201. I felt above average, until I dropped the last chip on the floor.Well played fate, well played.
"Today, I tried texting the word "ninja" to my friend. T9 word didn't recognize it, which irritated me, but only until I realized that ninjas aren't supposed to be recognized. I'm now glad my phone understands this."
Today, my friends and I began arguing what kind of child would be the hardest to raise. I said twins, and then revised my answer to sextuplets. My other friend said, "Carmen Sandiego and Waldo's kid." He wins.
"Today, I was in K-Mart with a friend looking at deep freezers. I saw a smaller one and commented, "Still big enough to fit a body". Some creepy old guy walked behind me and said, "Only if you break the back". My eyes are still big."
Today, I was working the register at Walmart. I was checking out a family, and there was a book called "How To Be A Ninja". Whenever I scanned it, the screen said "Item Not Found". Well played ninjas, well played.
Today, I filled a Windex bottle with blue Gatorade. I then sprayed it into my mouth in front of my mother. She began to panic and scream and get hysterical. I thought it was funny. She didn't.
"A fortnight ago I finally solved my Rubik's cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight."
Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
"Today, I asked Cleverbot which Jonas Brother was its favorite. It answered "the first one that dies." I love Cleverbot."
Today, my dad got mad at me and said "Luke, I am your father" and then something about how I should follow his rules. I didn't hear him because I was too busy secretly laughing about his sentence.
"Today, while driving to school, the man in the car next to me kept looking at me suspiciously. We were stopped at a red light when he rolls down his window, pulls out the largest Nerf gun I have ever seen, and shoots 2 darts at my window, then turns down a random street and speeds away. I did not know what to do."
Today, as I was waiting on line at a store, I noticed the cashier had a British accent. When it was my turn, I faked a British accent in conversation. He asked me where I was from, so I admitted that I was faking. His British accent disappeared as he said, "Me too."
Today, I burned my hand on my hair straightener and immediately posted about it on facebook. Later, I re-read my post and noticed I said "I burned me hand" instead of "my hand". I'm glad to know that even in my fragile, injured state, my subconscious knows that I'm a pirate.
Today, I read an FML about a someone who was filmed, drunk, climbing into her wardrobe screaming "I wanna go to Narnia!" I've done that sober. I don't see a problem. Who doesn't wanna go to Narnia?
Today I was babysitting my younger cousin when she asked for some gummy bears. Since there were two colors in the package I asked her if she preferred green or yellow, she replied the taste didn't matter since she just liked biting their heads off and being in control of their fate. She's four. She will achieve great things."
Today, was 9.9.09. September has 9 letters. Wednesday has 9 letters. It's the 252nd day of the year, which adds up to equal 9. However, today was an average day.
Today, while in my room, I heard my dad say "son of a bitch" to himself. I walked out and said "You called?" I don't think I've ever seen a more priceless look on someone's face.
Last night, I was really hot in bed, so I took one leg out of the covers. Then I got scared because it was too dark and my leg felt unprotected from something hiding under my bed. So I put it back under the blankets.
Today I saw a man being chased down the street by a cop. He was yelling " you can't catch me I'm the Ginger bread man." I laughed so hard I cried.
Today, my AP history teacher started talking about music. He then said, "The Black Eyed Peas used to be the Peas. Until Chuck Norris heard their music." Never have I had such high hopes for school before.
Today, I got a red mark on my hand. I decided to leave it on and see how many people told me I was bleeding. Later that day, I looked down and freaked out because I thought I was bleeding. I win, my plan worked.
Today, I set my text alert as, "Incoming transmission from Autobots headquarters." While I was at Wal-Mart, I got a text. A little boy standing next to me gasped. I told him to keep it a secret, as my phone needs to stay under the radar. He understood.
Today, my parents gave me and my twin sister going-away-to-college presents. She got a necklace, I got a nerf gun. Clearly, I'm my parent's favorite child.
Today, my grandma got kicked out of a nursing home for bad behavior. I'm so proud of her.
Today, I found out that Waldo is known by different names in different countries. Wally in Britain, Charlie in France, Holger in Denmark, Walter in Germany, and Willy in Norway. I'm onto you and your multiple identities Waldo. You can't hide forever.