Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?
Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.
To face insecurities? To challenge lies?
To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?
Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.
But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!
Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.
To pray and see things happen.
But my faith bust be grown.
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4
I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.
But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!
Sigh. I don't know.
You know what?
I'm in this place where...
In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.
In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.
AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.
So I'm sitting in the prayer room.
An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.
How long am I really going to go like this? Really?
And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.
And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)
Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \
And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.
I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.
Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.
(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)
And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.
I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.
But the truth is?
I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.
And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."
Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.
And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.
NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.
And what I have to bring is so ugly.
And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.
I HATE this jar of clay.
There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.
I got nothin.
Apart from Him, there is no good in me.
And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?
We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?
Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?
I am indeed being brought low.