An Undefeated Heart
It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.
I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.
Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.
But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.
This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.
Once upon a time, a little girl with many many romantic notions dreamed she would one day be found by the most amazing, God-fearing man (a pastor of course who loved music and could hold a tune at least!). And she placed her little, vulnerable heart in the hands of an 18 year old boy who told her all the right things and said all the things little girls dreamed about. But he had no substantial backup - no history yet of integrity, to let anyone know if he would keep his word. And it was all fake.
After this experience, an angry, hurt, broken young woman closed up her heart and buried any dreams of romance deep down and hid behind a ridiculous joke of longing for the life of an old maid, laughing in spite of her pain which allowed her to move along with her life.
Her prayers consisted of asking the Lord not to bring another man in to her life until he was the right one, because she thought she might not be able to go through the pain of betrayal again.
Nice enough prayer.... but flawed.
It doesn't factor in that OTHER PEOPLE choose their ways, and have human tendencies too.
So the Lord continued to heal my heart. I knew that I might have things that came up when the time came for someone to come into my life. And they did.
I kept mulling over what I did wrong with the whole situation, until the Lord showed me that I DIDN'T do anything wrong to direct what would happen with my last relationship.
People jump ahead of God, and as anointed as they may be, when they are not waiting for His move, they can hurt people along the way. I didn't do anything wrong, in the long run. I was just walking the path God has for me.
But people come along for a while, and because of THEIR humanity, things happen just like when I'M being human, things happen.
My heart hurts a little sometimes, but something I realized in all of this is that I'm not broken because of my little "run-in". In fact, just like the Romans 8 says, He makes all things work for the good of those who are called according to His purposes. Little trials and pressures and tough situations in fact clean my heart out. It tests my character. It makes me better.
Does it justify the person who hurt me? No. But neither is it my place to judge. God is the Father and He knows how to parent His children. But it DOES allows me to walk in the freedom of God's love.
So I find myself right forward in a place where God has something new for me, kind of like where I was about 5 months ago when I first entered this season. I'm excited, still a little unsure, but my faith has more substance. Even though my soul is more in touch with all that it longs for now, I'm more myself then I've been for the last 4 years of my life. And? I'm not a defeated woman. I'm being broken down and fixed, broken down and fixed, and melted down and molded, softened up and formed to look more like the Bride I'm supposed to be.
Hah. And God answered my unasked question while I was praying for someone yesterday at church.
As an intercessor - a prayer warrior for the Lord, I'm called to stand in the gap for people, churches, cities, nations, situations etc. - It is inevitable that I will take blows or shots that are unjust and unfair.
Its part of the job description.
Definite lightbalb moment there. Do I ENJOY this aspect of being a follower of Christ? NO. But do the benefits and rewards outweigh this momentary slight affliction? YES.
We do it for Love. We do it because of Love.
One evening as I was brushing my hair before bed, the Lord spoke to me while I was standing before a mirror. He said, "Don't you think Love costs something? Even I had to pay a price."
I have a loooooong way to go.
Good thing He's right by my side.