Curious George Meditates on the word of God

Hee hee.  I've been thinking about the title for my next entry for a while, and I keep coming up with Curious George.  I think it would be hilarious if they made a book about him meditating on the word of God.

"Curious George pulls out his bible.  He meditates, and meditates and meditates."
a few pages later....

the picture is still the same - He's at a table looking down at a Bible... but question marks are randomly placed around his head.

"Curious George meditated so hard that he couldn't get into any trouble."
"Curious George closed his Bible.... and went to bed.  The end."

Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting anywhere when I take time to just sit and think.  Sometimes I fill my lunch with stupid nothings and before I know it, an hour has gone by and I did nothing that even remotely benefited my life. 

Sometimes when I'm on a prayer set I feel the exact same way.  I'll be sitting at the keys, playing and singing out the songs of my heart... and yet... to me, it sounds raw, it has no content and I struggle to find words I deem eloquent enough to bring glory to Him in my two hours.  Yet - as I walk off the platform feeling like I've failed again, I'm approached by others who are so blessed and touched and were met with the presence of God in that time.  Its so strange to me, to be honest.  What I thought felt pointless and insignificant is exhorting and encouraging the body of Christ - and most importantly, is continuing to invite the presence of God to inhabit the praises in that prayer room.  You know what?  They're the strongest prayers I can pray - because its in all of my weakness that He is strong.

I have to remember that when I go up there.

Lately I've been finding myself struggling with God on the issue of waiting.  This is NOT a dry season for me - but it IS a time of wilderness.  I know that He is the Living Water and that my praises are like fountains in a dry land.  Its all about the Kingdom of God in my heart - its all about finding the treasure in the field and selling all I have with great joy to OWN this place - this field - this wilderness, really.  Its been SO awesome.  My heart is expanding, and my faithfulness is being tested again.

This place comes with great joy, but also, it comes with a price - everything I have, pretty much.
I'm cool with God moving things around in my life and gently removing things that are offensive to Him - but I'm realizing that I am growing restless in waiting for Him to fulfill the desires of my heart.
I've come to a fork in the road in my walk with God and it really took me aback.  There's this way that I feel expected to go - pretty much I need to stop waiting around and take action and become an independent woman and prove myself to the world - show that I can stand on my own two feel.  But most importantly - this way also says, "God, I'm done waiting on you.  I'm just going to move on."

Then theres the road that I've been on which says, "I'm NOT the exception to God's promise.  I will continue to go against the grain, stay where I am, do all that I'm doing and wait and delight myself in the Lord.  I WILL see fruit.  I WILL see the desires of my heart fulfilled.  And I WILL praise Him, even now."

I've come too far to change course now - but this is a painful place to be - the fact that there IS another option - and that I've actually considered  it.  Why the heck would I want to consider it?!!?!  What is wrong with me?

Its this lie.  "You're the exception to the promise, Sarah. He's forgotten about you."

It playes on every insecurity I have  - even my best friend doesn't see me.

I refuse -  I refuse to allow this thing to have authority over my heart.   I see God's faithfulness every single day in the lives of my friends and family, and most importantly, in my life.  I will praise Him - even if I don't see the fruit yet.

Truth is?  I'm learning to be satisfied with JUST Him.  Its something He continues to teach all of us, I know.

God is teaching me to focus on the end result - Him.   His Kingdom - true fellowship - FULL union with Him.  I'm not living for the little things I long for.  I'm living for Him. 

I've been spending a lot of time in Psalm 17 lately.  When consumerism is taking over the world - I will not be paired with the men who have their portions in this life.
I WILL see His face in righteousness and I WILL be satisfied when I awake in His likeness.
I NEED to be satisfied with Christ.

About 2 weeks ago during my Tuesday night 8-10 set, I decided to really focus on Psalm 17:13-15.
I muddled through an hour and a half of - being unable to say where my heart was until the last half hour.  I finally just stopped playing around with the keyboard, set it on synth and pulled out a djembe. 
Turned out to be my most resounding set I've ever played.  (and my most impressive!  I didn't know I could play the djembe and sing at the same time and still keep time!)

I sang out, "I will be satisfied when I see Your face, God.  I will be satisfied when I awake in your likeness and I will be satisfied with every good thing that You provide.  I will be satisfied with Christ."

I believe our words can build up and tear down in the spirit - and especially when we represent Jesus in this world.  I also believe that when the Word of God is spoken and proclaimed, it never returns void.  If anything, I'm realizing that I need to claim God's truth over my life. I need to CHOOSE it.  Its definitely a practice - one that leaves me exhausted at points.  At this place in my life, I'm coming across agreements I've made with the enemy that go WAY back to when I was so little.  Its so familiar - but its time to go.  I can't go any further unless I get rid of that baggage, and it is WEIGHING ME DOWN.

Can I say that enough?  I'm done!  I'm done, I'm  done I'm DONE.
I'm so DONE.  I choose Life.  I choose Christ and you know what?  These prayer sets I have?  I don't care if I never feel anything again but failure.  I have determined in my heart that they will be my best love songs EVER, yet.  He wants me in this place to see my face and hear my voice because my face is lovely and my voice is sweet?  Then I'm THERE.   I'm sowing into the Kingdom and I pray my history with God is deeper then I know.  Its what I desire, more then anything else.  When I see Him face to face, I'll recognize Him and it will look familiar to me.  I'll do whatever it takes. 
Its my dangerous prayer. 
Hey.  I've got nothing to lose - I just sold it all for this field I'm in anyway.

You know?  God is SO moving my heart.  I know He is faithful and I know I'm faithful to Him and the things He's called me to be and do.  I HAVE been tested, I HAVE been visited in the night.  I have been tried and He has found nothing in my heart that desires to be rebellious towards Him. 

wow.  I feel like this blog has no reason to why.  But that's how my life feels right now.  I'm sure I'll sound more pulled together next time I write.  but for now - here I am.  :)

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Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:15