But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.
I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back; probably because I finally have something useful to say.
I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.
I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.
I must say though: I am proud that I did what I was supposed to. I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful. He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay. In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.
I'm not trying to be weird about this: but I'm glad. There are a few things I think God and I need to work out in my heart now - lots of things that need to be broken down and off of me.
I'm actually very content. I know what my desires are. I know what I long for. Its okay that its not happening right now. Like I said, I don't feel the need to fight anymore.
Before I go, I want to share a very real, very special and defining moment that happened with God and me this past week.
The day that everything fell out for me, I got into my car to go somewhere. I had a swollen face and my heart was a shambled mess. God and I have this thing where, when I'm in my car alone - I'm really with Him. I get in, buckle my seat-belt and there we are - just Him and me.
And for a moment it felt like if we were actually both physically there, we would have made eye contact and the world would have stopped for a split second - and the way I would have felt in that split second is how I felt when I got in my car and went: He saw me. He saw me. My soul was bared before Him, and I think for the first time in my life - all of my self that I was aware of - was before Him and NOTHING was hidden - and I had nothing to hide.
Every dream, every desire, every hurt, every tear, everyTHING - He saw - and I KNEW.
And it seemed that I had no shame in staring back - and - if that wasn't gutsy enough for me, I then just looked at Him and with my swollen, tear stained face, shrugged my shoulders in defeat and said, "I hurt."
And (don't laugh!) but it was one of the very few moments I had nothing - absolutely nothing more to say. He knew. I wasn't hiding. I was honest and He saw.
And you know what?
I really AM okay. I've got the right One fighting for me. He sees me, He sees my worth, and I am loved by Him. Look...I may feel crappy from time to time - it might really suck even - but lest I forget the truth, I'm proclaiming it publicly. I am His, and He is mine - I am not shaken.
"He brought me out into a spacious place, He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:19