Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!
Its unbelievable to me. EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies. Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed. How can I be? These people are my friends! I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.
But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait? Am I supposed to GO? And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?
I'm coming to the end of my dream rope. I don't really have any more dreams, honestly. Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer. But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband. Thats it. Thats not even a BIG dream. As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream. Unless you're me. Because normal is all around me. I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there. Of course I'm not the only one! I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in. But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams. NADA.
WOW. Nothing?! Not even one? Well I dream of being apart of something BIG! But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.
So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry. Now let Me show you Mine."
God's kinda whispering the same things to me. "I see your dreams, Sarah. Now let Me show you Mine."
But its been a process. I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought. I'm starting to let myself be okay with this. And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?" it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?" Its not, "God! Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"
Its a hard shift though. The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them. Ever, and especially on my own. That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have. God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.
Its a hard lesson to learn. I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.
Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know). Having little ones that are practically mini-thems. And I get to be Aunt "Waha". I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life. It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place. Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine. I just hope I'm not a waste of space here. I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young. You've got so much time!"
I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.
Yes, I'm young. But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12. I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now. I don't think thats a small feat. I'm not an average girl. Probably why this is so difficult for me. I'm not even jealous! I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful. When is God going to show up for me? When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom? Doesn't God see me?
Of course He does. I KNOW He does. I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought. But nevertheless, I cannot change my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is? I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship. But its MY passion. What HAS God anointed me to do? Why am I not satisfied with just that? OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that? How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in? How do I get my dance back?
A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions. How do I live them out in real life? And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy? Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in. Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words. Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart. This is no glorious season for me. I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."
My heart is so restless.