Big Heart, Little Dreamer






"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"




I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.


I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring.  And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring.  I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not!  I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL.  I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now. 


 It LOOKS like I have no life.  (Because I really don't, truthfully.) 


 It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)


 And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)


I sound absolutely absurd right now.  Who am I kidding?  My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn.  Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart.  In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him.  I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together.  I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car.  Yet I'm unsatisfied.  


I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".  


So here I am.


Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go. 


"Think, think, think, think.  Oooh bother."


Its just where I am right now.

2 comments:

  1. I am right there with you, Sarah! I could have copy and pasted your entire post into my own blog, and it would have rung completely true.

    I keep asking God what's next? And wondering where my dreams should be pointing me?

    But, like "The Heart of Worship" from Sunday...

    "I'll bring you more than a song, for a song in itself is not what you have required. You search much deeper within, through the way things appear, you're looking into my heart".

    I know that doesn't exactly tie into what I was just saying. But those lyrics have been stuck in my head for the past month. I think I'm trying to give God something, something big enough that he'll approve of in my life and be pleased with. Yet, that's not what he requires. He just requires our heart.

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say from this novel I just wrote in your comment section, is that I think we are on the same page here! Ha, thanks for the post. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. haha! finger to the chin and head cocked slightly... totally can picture this!

    ReplyDelete

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:15