I Told God I Hated Him & How it Changed My Life
Talking to God.
There's something about it that scares most people.
Nobody usually jumps at the opportunity to pray over a meal. For some reason its not the first thought that pops into our mind when our friends are telling us about being sick, being stressed or struggling in life.
What I'm about to share is not necessarily the "right" way to pray.
In fact... after looking up the word "prayer" I wouldn't necessarily call it that.
Its much more simple. Today I'm thinking about making constant conversation with God.
Kind of like an on-going text message conversation that never really ends - it just gets put on hold while each person carries on in daily activities.
I am going to share how I began to interact with God. Maybe some people will read this and go,
"Hey! That's TOTALLY how I interact with Him!"
While others may say, "Who does she think she is? Does she not know what it is to be reverent?"
These responses are legitimate.
I can't tell you whether they're wrong or right. I can only testify: this is how I talk with God. Take it or leave it.
The day I told God I hated Him was the day that changed my life forever, really.
I had a hard time expressing myself as a kid. Its probably why writing worked so well for me (and still does, I might add!) I could process outside of myself without someone telling me I was wrong for feeling the things I felt. I always seemed to get in trouble when I tried to explain what was going on inside of me. It never came out the way I wanted it to. Hah. Sometimes it still doesn't.
I remember my Jr. high small group was going to a concert one particular Wednesday and I tried so hard to do all my chores and school work and have a good attitude about it so that I could secure going with everyone. Coincidentally around this time, my tongue was learning how sharp it was and I was learning that speaking my mind only got me grounded. So I tried hard to keep my mouth shut.
But as it happened often enough, one of my siblings "undid" a particularly large chore I had accomplished and my parents grounded me for "not doing it".
I'd been angry before as a kid... but this was the day that my anger boiled over in a way I will never forget.
I went downstairs to the basement, found a pillow and screamed all my frustrations into it. Some kids learned to kiss with a pillow. I learned how to keep my mouth shut.
Some might say I was a drama queen, but really... I just needed to be known and heard.
After I had a good cry, I looked up at the ceiling and yelled in my loudest whisper, "I hate You, God. You say You see me and that You honor my trying to be good. But its all a lie."
I didn't realize it at the time, but this was a pinnacle moment for me.
Somewhere around this season of my life I had begun to believe that maybe God saw the heart behind all the mishaps in my life and even understood me despite all my miscommunications. This was the last straw for my 12 year old heart. I was done. I couldn't take anymore.
But God wasn't phased by me. He was there the whole time I ranted my accusations to Him. He knew I was either on the verge of despising Him or... encountering Him personally. And this was personal.
Isn't it interesting how this all happens? We get mad at God when things don't go our way, but deep down there are hard questions waiting to be asked. These questions wait until the very core of what holds them in is disturbed and then they blow like a volcano. Questions that don't seem that big, but when they're asked, its like every heart beat thuds in preparation for the change that comes with the truth of the answer.
The question in my soul was one of those questions.
"Do You see me? Do I matter to You?"
Thud, thud, thud, thud.
I ended up going to the concert that night. I'm not sure what happened that changed my parents minds about my being grounded from it, but something happened in my heart with Jesus that day.
I believed for the first time that He heard me.
I believed the first time that He cared.
He cared about me. He cared about my feelings. He cared about my trying to do right for Him.
It wasn't that He didn't already care... it was my believing He did that was the major shift.
Some might have thought I was trying to be good to go to that concert. That is partially true.
But there was more than just that motivation. When I made the decision to do everything with a good attitude, I was doing it in a child like faith that believed God honored those who honored their parents and Him.
When I came home from the concert that evening, the Holy Spirit made it clear to me how God had come through for me, even though I had been so nasty towards Him.
This became my first personal encounter with grace and I'd never been so grateful or so humbled.
I decided in my heart I would never tell God I hated Him again.
Its true. I haven't.
Since that day, I've been able to tell God exactly what I feel about all the things I have a hard time expressing to others. I shared my deepest fears and my deepest hurts. He's become my best and dearest friend. I don't need to talk to myself to remember things, I just talk to God and He helps me.
Of course my relationship with Jesus has grown since then. I've learned how to intercede and focus on issues and to partner with His heart for other individuals, families, churches, cities and countries. I'm learning how to pray.
But the bread and butter is this right here:
I started talking to God like I talked to myself or my very best friend.
Its really not that hard.
Are you afraid to offend God?
Um. He knows your heart. If you already think a thing, from what I know, He'd prefer you were just honest with yourself and Him about it.
Let Him have the responsibility of teaching you how to fear Him.
We can't do that by ourselves anyway.
Learn to know Him first. Learn to let Him love you.
You can only grow from there.
I've often been told to be careful with how I address God.
Let me tell you something....
If God was offended by me, no one would be able to make it into the Kingdom.
I remember that its not about what I do. Its about His grace and His love pulling me to Himself.
I trust God will teach me how to revere Him.
I promise you... I've never feared Him so much in my life. I've never believed so deeply that He can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants to and I believe with all intensity that I have no control over it.
My whole life trembles at this knowledge. And yet... sometimes I use strong language to tell Him how I feel.
Yes. I love Him dearly with all my heart - enough that I would risk unveiling my deepest, and darkest parts to Him. I know that sound like God has to earn my trust. But isn't that what wooing is?
Being won over? He's been about this courtship business for a good long time now.
He's captured my heart.
He's devoted to making me look, sound and be... just like Him. This makes me sigh in relief. Praise God for His sweet faithfulness to our wayward hearts.
How do you talk to Jesus?
How does He talk with you?
What turned your attention His way? When did your whole life change in a blink of an eye?
I'm just you're average churched kid.
I asked Jesus into my heart at 3. I became spiritually aware at 11. I got introduced to the Holy Spirit at 12. And right after that, I encountered God for the first time in the parts of me no one else wanted me to show.
I got encountered by God in my sin - and He showed me this really cool thing called grace.
And I've never been the same.