And She, With Unveiled Face...

Life-Changing, Radical Obedience

2012-01-28T15:11:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had times in your life where the entire paradigm of your view changes?

Its like you can only see certain things or you can only see things in a certain way and your mentality could never have imagined another way?

Something I'm realizing about myself is - the way I make decisions. I calculate all the possibilities my imagination can conjure up and then based on those options I do process of elimination based on common sense and pros and cons.
So in essence, even though I can multi-task considerably well and have the ability and the capacity to be open-minded, I am one track minded in nature by default.

This being said, you can imagine that the Lord's way with me includes changing things up a bit now and again.

So, a few words sum up what I'm about to talk about in this blog:
Letting Go
Praying new prayers
Radical obedience
and
Faith.

Now, being apart of a Vineyard church, we are of course fans of our founder, John Wimber.
Christy Wimber, one of his relatives pastors a church out in CA and she visits every now and then. While she was here this past month, she said something that really hit me square at home in my heart.
She said, "Now, I KNOW that when God asks me to let go of something that's hard to let go of, He's about to do something new in my life."

Now over the past year, I've been wrestling with God about a few different things that I WANTED to let go of but could NOT, within my own strength. The lesson learned in this was invaluable to me as I learned that I was entirely bound to my own sin patterns and COULD NOT unbind myself by my own strength. Nor could I wrestle God into doing what I wanted Him to do. Ultimately, I'm ugly in my sin, I can't change it AND ... that's that. But God. Those two words become the most precious in my life. But God - so loved us.
But God.

So this happened over the new year and when I concluded that I can do NO good thing within myself and I needed God to LET GO at ALL -He released me. And I could.
Kind of like the story of Jacob wrestling God? Yeah. 2011 in a nutshell for me. Except I begged God to let ME let HIM go. Pride my friends will never be beautiful. You can cover it up and you can sugar coat it, but when you ask God to do what it takes, make no mistake about it, He will.
That is what I love about Him.

When I was released from the things I couldn't let go of, things became disorienting for me.
I've often felt like I don't fit well or for very long into places I find myself in - and for the most part I just accepted that this is inevitable for me since I've felt like this since a child.
But God has been doing MUCH in the arena of my identity and putting down roots has been a lot easier for me. Especially as friendships develop.
But after all of this wrestling, my life seemed empty and my purpose left blank. What now, Lord?

Great question!

When you let go of something, God has got something new on the horizon.
Or at least for me, lots of old things.

Things I've forgotten about for years, actually. Its really awesome because they're little things that only I would know about but He's proving Himself faithful because even though I forgot about them, He never did.

But that's still disorienting because I'm not moving in those callings at this point.

I think the place I find myself in, though small in its beginning, is a very defining one. Its a place of memorial. Kind of like in the Old Testament when God tells Israel to make a memorial so as to remember what He did for them. Here - here in this place is a new chance to die. Again. To myself.

Its really cool actually because what's happening is something I've never done in my life before.
I'm obeying without question. Or at least trying to. I'm finding out that without love, "being good" is just moralism as a means to get what we want.
The standards God sets for us personally and by His word are just rules to follow if we don't know how to really love and trust God.
"If you love Me, you'll obey my commands." -John 14:15
The joy I'm finding in all of this is that as I learn God's love for me, I can't help but love Him the same way - by imitation. All of a sudden, what was a sacrifice for me before becomes an offering - a PLEASURE for me to give. It is a pleasure for me to obey the Lord.
I don't know about you guys, but I've always had a problem with obeying God when I don't understand or when I just plain don't WANT to. It never occurred to me to ASK Him to give me the strength to say yes to Him. The DESIRE to pray this prayer never even crossed my heart. What a SWEET prayer!
I'm all about praying risky prayers. I WANT to give it all! I WANT to see my life fully surrendered to Jesus! I WANT to move in His Spirit and with authority and power for His glory.
I can't do that without giving permission for God to "do whatever it takes."

So a new prayer is asking God to give me the strength to say yes.

Now some may argue that I always have a choice.
Yes.
But no. My choice is that I have none.
My choice is obedience. Because I love Him. I can't go back - I don't even know how I could!
Its kind of like Frodo and the ring. Yes, he had a choice but... he was chosen. He was a slave to completing his task even if it meant unto death.
I feel the same way about following the Lord.
Its not an option to NOT love God. I can't not. To love is to obey. I can't then, NOT obey.

Now - I don't have the ability to obey in my own strength, this I know. I've tried this very recently and I found that it is impossible. I could "say" I obey and in action look like I am, but God is the great Judge of our hearts and we cannot fool Him even if we succeed in fooling ourselves.
So - to walk in the way I choose, I cannot have anything of myself.
AS I decrease, He is increasing.
When my life is based in this, beautiful and holy and pure, HOW can I go back? Why would I want to be in the dark when my life is becoming increasingly enraptured with light and true life? That would blaspheme the Holy Spirit.
Once one is presented with the truth, you can't go back into oblivion. It becomes a deliberate decision. I can't choose oblivion and unchoose God. Therefore, as a servant, it is the call of my life to obey - to worship God in obedience regardless of feelings.
Now, a few things have happened since I last posted:
My mission trip to Mozambique has been canceled. Airfare is way overpriced. And - I've raised all but about about 300 dollars of the 3000 that I needed. NOW WHAT?! Have I used the word disoriented a lot? That's because this is how its been this last month. Why did I feel God's prompting for this trip? Why was all the money raised so quickly? What is God's plan for that money? I need direction. I need to walk in faith.

So with THIS being stated, a quick story.
2 doors down from the office I work at within a small plaza, there is a music/record store owned by a crippled man. It takes him probably 5-6 minutes to walk to the door from his handicapped parking spot - a walk that would take any of of us 5 seconds. He's not necessarily the nicest man either - gruff. He's not that old -mid 40's at the most.
the last 2 weeks God has been putting it in my heart to pray for his heart to be softened.
THEN it occurred to me that as a person who believes that the power of the Kingdom of God is within me, I should act in faith and ask if he would like prayer to be healed.
Now - I don't have any gifts of healing to my knowledge. But - that would mean that God would have to do His thing - and that is exactly what I felt the Lord had in mind.
But for a week I procrastinated the development of the idea because - what if nothing happened?
The thought didn't go away and I knew that I wasn't being obedient to what Jesus commissioned us to do - He SAID that one of the signs that will follow believers is that they would lay hands on the sick and they would recover.
The other thing is - the store is filled with yucky feeling spirits. Demonic music - demonic things inside.
But on lunch a few days ago, I couldn't do it anymore. I was intensely convinced that regardless of my feelings and "don't do this!" thoughts, I HAD to move. What if God was waiting for me to act in faith and obedience so HE could move? What if in my disobedience, I was hindering God's process of moving things in MY life? I couldn't afford to not obey.
So I went.
I told the man (Phil) that God had me praying for him for the last few weeks and at that point, I had a prophetic word for him as well. He let me pray for him, and you know? nothing happened before my very eyes. And I told him that God had a plan for me to come to him that day for a reason - I didn't know what that was, but maybe he should ask God what its all about, since he said he prayed every morning.

And - I went back to my office with my lunch. And I cried.
I did something huge, my friends. I risked what I felt was everything and moved to advance the Kingdom.
But mostly I acted in deliberate faith, paying the cost of possibly foolishness - in act of love and worship to my Father.
It cost me something I've never paid before, and it was the most freeing, scary - moving thing I've ever done in my life.

I'M GROWING, GUYS!!!!

John Wimber said faith is spelled R-I-S-K.
A friend pointed out that according to John then, risk is my middle name.
I never thought about it that way before.
But one of the visions for my life that I believe God has given me is to live a life of radical faith - complete obedience. God doesn't need the most intelligent, genius person to accomplish big things, guys.
God needs a willing vessel -a regular, every day person who is willing to say, "Yes, Lord."
I'm done dreaming of being that person. Its time I just started living it.
I'm an adult, no body's stopping me, right? What am I waiting for?
Jon Foreman couldn'tve voiced a more profound statement in the form of the question:

"This is your life - are you who you want to be?"

So NOW what?!

I'm praying about what God's purpose for this money is.
I'll be writing letters to all the people who gave to either return it or ask them to pray that God would make it clear what His plan is for it.

Pray with me, friends?
Who KNOWS what the Lord has for those who love Him. :)

Spirit Run Swiftly

2012-01-20T17:00:00.001-05:00

My newest piece "Spirit, Run Swiftly". will probably add words. :)

Sincerely Sarah

2012-01-11T11:38:00.002-05:00

A little note: i hate that letter-writing is almost unheard of anymore. wheres the romance in a facebook message?! eww.

Christ in Me, My Truest Hope.

2011-12-29T19:10:00.000-05:00

Its hard to believe that 2011 has come and gone. When I think of the month "January" I'm still thinking, "Oh, that was just a few weeks....... ..... ago.... wait......"

What a long - fruitful year with Jesus. I'm so SO glad I'm not the same person I was this time last year. Actually, thinking about this time last year, I smile. Everything has a time and a season. I don't regret where I was then... but I wouldn't change to ever go back to being that person again either. I've grown too much to try to squeeze myself into the confinements of who I was then, now.

A lot is on my mind for this year.

Maybe I should make those things into lessons-I've-learned bullet points.

Relationships - with anyone - almost never turn out the way you expect them to.
People are never what you assume - one way or the other.
You can't be everyone's dream girl or dream guy. Either you are, just as you are, or... you're simply not.
You can't be everyone's favorite person either. ... Nope.
Crying has its advantages.
The disadvantages of crying are far... far outweighed by the advantages. ... so...
...Its necessary - ESSENTIAL even, to have a good cry every so often.
Its good to have good friends at times where you need a good cry.
Actually, its good to just have good friends.
.... Best friends change. Both in seasons of your life... and also individually speaking.
Best friends don't work the way they did when you were a kid... you need multiple friends for multiple purposes - all equally as important.
People cannot fill your needs ... especially only one person.
We're not entitled to friends or spouses. Those are gifts from God. The Lord gives, does NOT give and He takes away.
The good thing is, God loves to give good gifts to His children, especially when they ask Him.
Sometimes, its best just to keep things between you and God.
Including your feelings, opinions and words.
You can never go wrong when you praise the Lord with song.
Mornings are such a lovely time to have set aside for the Lord.
Sunrises and Sunsets start off the day and end the day each proclaiming the beauty of the Glory of God. ... How many days do we miss it and forget to join in with all creation to exalt Him?
Giving thanks is essential to the Christian life. Its a health issue if its not apart of the daily stuff.
God is so good. And deserving. And worthy. And Holy. And Lovely.
God isn't too concerned with what you can DO for Him.
Delight in the Lord.
Be prepared to wait.
Do NOT speculate. Its not good for the heart.
It may be better not to share your dreams with people. ... unless they ask.
People actually don't care as much as you think they do.
People care more than you think they do.
People don't know it, but they WANT to care more.
Good friends DO care, even when it hurts to.
God cares... very, very much.
Going to the House of Prayer on Tuesdays have been a blessing to me.
Africa is next year!!!

So... I'm going to stop there because from there on, my thoughts pertained to food. Haha.

I guess the reason why its so hard to believe that a year has passed is because its been a blur, really. Most of my time this year has been spent in a season of summer in my soul, and winter in my life.
Winter in so dying to things of the flesh, understanding where my sin patterns and areas of weakness are and have to accept and admit that I am really incapable of fixing it all on my own.
In a sentence? "I can do NO thing good apart from God."
Its been a hell of a ride. And by that I mean, "Welcome to a tour of your terrible, yucky, stinking heart. Enjoy the ride!"

But I chose to go this route. I asked God for it on purpose because I'm tired of who I've been.

"Who I am hates who I've been, who I am hates who I've been."

Its been awful... and yet absolutely lovely. I've never known so much grace or tender mercy from the Lord. I really don't think I knew what grace or mercy really meant until this year, and I'm so glad to say I've only just begun.

God has so blessed me by His gentle care towards my heart and I'm eternally grateful. Here's a few things that I believe have been accomplished or at least have begun to be, in my life.

I no longer have a clue what God is going to do in me or with me - at all.
God is the essential. All other vision either bows to this or is fading away.
I'm prepared to wait. I am being prepared to wait for a long haul.
God - is the desire of my heart. None of the other things matter unless He's involved.
I am no longer speculating. ... About anything.
I'm not afraid to die anymore.
I'm not afraid to be tortured anymore either.
In fact.... There's a crazy joy at the idea of these things if it means I don't renounce my Jesus.
Nothing can shake me from the conviction of Christ in me. Nothing. Not any more.
I'm starting to stop second-guessing myself.
I don't take crap from people anymore, and I won't bow out when I need to stand up.

These are all actually HUGE accomplishments for me, seriously. I'm not afraid to say them to the public either because I believe someone has to be real enough to be honest about the hard things in life.

God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of things - and what I mean by that is - actually, everything. When I lay down my bias, God gives me His heart. Its a pretty amazing exchange, really.

So for this upcoming year, I'm feeling like I'm phasing into a new season of winter and summer.

This past year, though it be winter in my life, summer was in my heart and the Lord gave me rest and peace and love.
But I believe winter has begun in my heart now... killing and keeping dead everything I've held close until now. Its not about me anymore ... not at all. My life isn't about me. Winter is barren ... and so shall it be in my heart full of dreams and things. But I truly believe that the winter in my heart will drive me outside of myself - into the promise land of Jesus. Its time to explore the heart of God, leave everything else I've loved behind, and begin again. I actually have no clue what will happen to my heart this next year, but I know that God has been so faithful and good through all the generations.

Coldplay sings, " don't wanna see another generation drop, I'd rather be a comma than a full stop."

Maybe I've been a comma these past 12 months or so. But I choose to be fully alive this next year - whether good or bad, I don't care. I just know this next season has nothing to do with ... me. hah. Do I really get to call it my life, either? I have no life apart from God. Only death. Yet, crazily enough, death is an everyday occurence when we choose to live in God.

Well...
I'd say this was a rant ... but I feel like thats not honoring the process God has created for me to follow in so choosing to write things out for others to see.
So I will merely say that I feel my line of thought is done for now.

Happy new year, friends and family of mine - may the Lord remind you through out 2012 that advent is still the season.
Let us then pray, "Maranatha!" Come Lord, quickly! And prepare our hearts." Amen.

I Found My Old Song Books!

2011-11-17T12:19:00.001-05:00

There's a few songs I wrote when I was 14 and 15 years old. Some of the melodies are lost, but the heart can't be denied. :) I'd like to share a few of them with all of you. Some of them are silly, some of them are serious - but all of them show a heart that's real.

In youth group when I first "came out" as a song-writer, this song was played on several occasions - talent shows and even an accompaniment to a testimonial love story once. Me? I wrote this when I was 15 years old and I haven't changed a word since then. Whats funny is: Sometimes, life really doesn't change, does it? We end up asking the same questions today, "is this a God thing?"

The Unfinished Story

Here's a story of a guy and girl who're in denial
They say they're just friends, but you wonder if that's the case.
by the twinkle in their eyes you know there's something different.
But is it real? or is it just a phase?

Is this a God thing or is it so much less?
Is this a crush that just won't last?
There's something different, you can see. But is it real or is it make-believe?

She looks across the room and catches his eye
smiling to herself she thinks, "What an awesome guy."
But in those eyes this time, there was something more.
a look that hadn't yet been accounted for - so she prayed

is this a God thing or is it so much less?
Is this a crush that just won't last?
There's something different, but I'm confused. So Lord I'm giving this up to You.

He loved it when she looked up into his eyes
in hers was a flame that never seemed to die.
He saw that she was not the same - unlike the rest
He also knew the One who knew her best, so he prayed

is this a God thing or is it so much less?
Is this a crush that just won't last?
She seems so happy to live for you - I can't take this anymore I'm giving this over to You.

No we all know that's not the end of the story
we could make it out to be whatever we like
fact is that girl or guy could be you or me.
but who do we trust with our love story to write?

Is this a God thing or is it so much less?
I don't trust my judgement God and I know You know whats best.
What do I know of Love Lord, my emotions blind me
so here's the pen, Lord. Write my love story for me.

There's a story of a guy and girl who're in denial.
They say they're just friends but you wonder if that's the case.
By the twinkle in their eyes you know there's something different
but who will they give the pen to... to write this next page?

So THIS next song is actually a rewriting of the Lyrics to Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. (I know.... I wrote it when I was 16... give me a break! .... okay ... so I still kinda like that song... )

The Will of God to Bigger Things

I walk this lonely road - the only one I hope to ever know
Know just where it goes - it leads to Home for me and I'm not alone
I walk this daring feat - to do the will of God not chase my dreams
Humanity it sleeps. But I'm alive - no lie - I'm not alone.

I'm not alone, I'm not alone. I'm not alone I'm not a...

My God is always there to walk beside me
Because of Him my pathetic heart is beating
sometimes I pray someone out there would join me
till then - I'm still not alone
ah-ah ah-ah. ah-ah, ah-ah. ah-ah

I'm crossing past the line
that cuts me from myself so I might die
no more borderline - I've got my cross
and I will stand alone.
The reasons for His lines -
I'm so messed up but His love makes me white
trade His life for mine, each scar a promise that I'm not alone

I'm not alone, I'm not alone. I'm not alone I'm not a...

My Jesus is always there to walk beside me
Its for Him my pathetic little heart is beating
hard times roll. - sometimes I'm tempted to deny it
but feelings fade and truth remains -
I'm not alone.

This next song I wrote when I was 13 years old before I played guitar. I barely remember the tune... but the words remain etched into my soul.

There's Nothing I'd Rather Do

There's nothing I wouldn't give
to kiss the scars on Your hands
there's nothing I wouldn't do
to wash Your feet with my tears
There's nothing I wouldn't give
to be flat on my face, dwelling in Your presence, Lord
there's nothing I'd rather do.

I close my eyes and bow
raising my hands to You
and all else fades away
there's nothing I'd rather do
then to dwell in Your presence
while You break down my walls and fences
getting past all my defenses
Until you've broken through
There's nothing I'd rather do.

There's nothing I wouldn't give
to see Your precious face.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
for a moment to walk with You
Oh there's nothing I wouldn't give
to be at the foot of Your throne
Singing my worship songs and praising You
Lord there's nothing I'd rather do.

And last but not least, one of the sillier songs I wrote right after my 16th birthday. It was a direct response to Anberlin's "Foreign Language" and Relient K's "Mood Rings" .... and also to the guys who sang them to me - just to get a reaction. (again... some things never change, do they?)

Who Need's Mood Rings When WE'VE Got Codes and Gentleman?

I don't wanna look like a wimp
just hand me the coat
cus I'll lie if you ask me if I'm cold
just walk away, walk away. Walk away, walk away, walk away.

And I don't need a mood ring!
And heck - I don't need to say a thing!
Neither do you, walk away, walk away. Walk away, walk away, walk away.

All guys sing about girls and how they don't understand them
repining over dialect barriers and no mood rings on our hands!
Don't they see, don't they see we just need them to be "there"?
To catch us in the fall, to hold our hand and care?
... then walk away. Just walk away (but don't go away...)

Walk away from whining about us in song -
well if you had a question, why not ask us what we thought?
A little shy? Who cares! You're wasting your time with your tears.

(And you wanna know what we think of You
when we run off to the bathroom?
Well if you're being a jerk then obviously we'll think you're a jerk
but if you're a gentleman than you're probably
woo - woo - wooing me with you're perks
but I won't admit to anything until my hearts about burst.
Until then, this is what you get:
confusion dished with no regrets from the chef.)

So if you see my teeth chatter
don't ask stupid questions, just hand me your sweater
and walk away, walk away, walk away.
just don't go away, go away, don't go away.

And that's it for now. :) Tune in next time for, "another moment of reminiscing over Sarah's life because her boss is sick and so she came home and poured over all of her old notebooks full of songs and half songs and poems and half poems." :) Later!

Time to Let it Go

2011-11-16T12:39:00.000-05:00

Time to Let it Go
by Sarah Faith

Again my eyes beheld
the changing season scene
where once the burst of death
colored each leaf with a scream.

Quietly the trees resolve
each letting their own go
submitting to the Lord the old
so something new can grow.

Though the visible exclaims
a normal, boring gray
It obediently vacates
so transform inside, it may.

One day yes, in His time
the season next, comes soon
time's up in hope's deferring
roots deep in love, she'll bloom.

My latest piece.

2011-11-05T13:28:00.001-04:00

My latest piece.

Laying Down Deep Roots

2011-11-03T19:04:00.000-04:00

I started a new journal this week and as I asked the Lord what I should title it, something began to grow inside of me. "Deep Roots, Sarah." It took me a while to gather what He meant. Deep roots? My titles usually have to do with music, journey and vision.
But Deep Roots?
And as I prayed about it, a segment of my story began to write itself out to me on pieces of sticky-note.
Here's the next part of my story. :)

" Death is a cocoon," she thought.
With this Shepherd at her side, she knew that it couldn't be the end, even if He DID call her to die. This journey had been so exhilarating when she first started - and in a way, it still was! But she felt hidden.
Hidden away from all the excitement of fulfilled dreams which others seemed to be experiencing in their journeys with the Lord.
"Don't look at the others, My little Seedling." The Shepherd smiled, knowingly. "Just put your roots down deep - as far as they can go." He paused. "Do you trust Me?"
THE question. She stopped.
"Trust that love..." she thought. Those words flew like a banner over her heart.
"I do! ... I will! .... oh! I want to, " she replied, longingly. So it was decided, then.
Submit she did, pushing deep and deeper still. She didn't quite see the whole picture, but what she DID know was that the more she laid down, the deeper her roots would go.

Trust That Love

2011-10-31T21:08:00.005-04:00

"And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love." 1 John 4:16

You know, I was going to say its been a while since I've written, but the truth is, I've been through a LOT since the last time I wrote. I don't even know if there's really a way to explain it, either.
But I'll try. 2 things: Where I am, and worship.

First thing:

I guess it all comes down to this: Do I or don't I trust God.

I mean its as simply put as it gets.
Its the strangest experience: I LONG to trust God ... will to trust God but every analyzing thought that picks my life apart into a billion pieces tells me that I'm obsessed with control.
And you know? There's so many reasons I could give about it too.
I've been hurt. I've gotten it wrong. I've heard God wrong. I don't want to do that again. People suck. My life sucks. I suck!

And C'mon, nothing really sucks. It only does when I lean on my own understanding and try to figure everything out.

Why can't God just surprise me with the life He wants me to live?
Why do I keep hitting this brick wall?
I've never been closer to the Lord.
I've never heard Him so clear in my life.
I've never understood so much of the scriptures.
I've never understood so little.
I've never trusted Him so much
and I promise! I have never trusted Him so little.
I'm caught between accepting all the dreams and visions and longings that drive me and hating the very things that make me come alive.
Mostly because its hard to hope when you've been so disappointed in your life.

Back in the summer I wrote to the Lord, "Maybe I've been using hope the wrong way. I have all sorts of visions and dreams for every part of my life. But coincidentally, just as much as they can't happen withOUT You, they won't look the way I thought they would WITH You, either."
Nothing else could have said it better.

I'm ready to fight again. I don't care what it takes. My HEAD knows that I will self-destruct my life and that God really has something wonderful for me.
My easily swayed heart insists that things will work out just as they have before - when I was 16 and thought I was hearing from the Lord. A FLOOD of comparisons and past experiences swirl around and a deep hurt surfaces. As much as my whole spirit longs to be united with the will of God, my heart refuses. And I mean REFUSES to let go.
Its embarrassing that it keeps coming down to this! But I'm done with this heart of mine.
If it can't submit on its own, I'm going to figure out why. And I'm GOING to get healed.
No more waiting. Its time for action.

Second thing:
Worship.

Something really hit me this week on a practical level and I'm excited to share it.
As a worship leader its inevitable that people will at one point or another be excited about what God ministered to them during a praise service and they'll feel compelled to share with the said worship leader about that experience. Usually they exclaim simply that they love when that person leads worship or something of that form. I've always wondered how one should respond to these kind of comments without making the commenter feel awkward and without taking the "glory" at the same time.

The Lord revealed to me today how utterly important it is for a person - and even more so, a designated leader to have a secret life with Him. When a designated praise-leader steps up in front of a congregation and begins to give Jesus praise, they are essentially inviting OTHERS into their personal relationship with God.
If a praise leader doesn't have a close relationship with God, people will only be invited to go as deep as that person has.
So how this applies to where I am (being point 1 of this entry.) I love the Lord. I'm actively pursuing God with all my heart - even as very faulty as it goes at times, I've never been so full of praise for the Father before in my life. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I'm facing the reality of my ugliness withOUT Him. I'm being saved right before my very eyes - at this very moment - for something new.... now. Wait. Now. No, now. No NOW.
So when someone comes up and says, "I LOVE when you lead worship!"
Instead of feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond to what their words say, I'm finally beginning to hear that they really mean, "I LOVE going there.... I LOVE going where you go with the Lord."
And deep inside my heart the Lord is whispering to me, "I KNOW you don't feel qualified. I KNOW you don't feel like you're worthy. I KNOW you are unsure of your right standing with me at times. ... But: I LOVE when you go there with Me. I LOVE going there with you. And THEY do too and THAT is OKAY."

This - THIS is what the body is all about. We - all going to our sacred places with the Lord - transparently sharing our hearts in true fellowship and communion, are spurring each other on to be one. One with God and one with each other, with God.
And notice how I made the distinction between "Praise-leader" and "Worship-leader".
Worship is a lifestyle. Praise is an action.
Praise is what we do on Sunday mornings with each other before the Lord..
Worship is where we're going and dwelling.

So as I praise the Lord - and as I go to that secret place which has been built on my history with Him - oh and also, as I do that in a public congregation - I become not only a leader of praise at that moment, but also a leader of worship - because I'm taking people to the most real place I know: my place with God. If this is done right - if this is done in full submission to the Spirit and done in the most humble, serving of ways, it will not "fill" people, but cause more awareness of their own hunger and thirst for a secret place where it is just them and God. Its exhilarating - to be delightfully touched and entirely unsatisfied all in the same moment.
That is where the teaching comes in: you're not supposed to be filled on that Sunday morning for the rest of the week. You're supposed to crave the presence of God by it. Its the one Good thing that you can never get too much of. Its the one Good thing that transforms the untransformable into something beautiful. (And NO! I don't mean Mega-tron turning into a Tonka Truck!) Think dirt begin turned into a precious diamond. Thing an agitating piece of sandish dust being turned into a prized pearl. Only God can do these things.
Why SHOULDN'T we be fantastically excited when God allows us to experience the fragrance of the beauty He's working in the soul of someone else with a heart just like ours?
And how insane is it that as a designated praise leader at my church, I'm not able to move beyond how NOT to think about everything with such a self centered mindset!
Dear Lord! Center my entire self in You!
I have nothing Good apart from You!

So that kind of shifted my paradigm a little.

I apologize if this is disappointing to some of you. I AM self centered and I'm terribly young. The good news is: I'm growing and moving with God. I'm not that good at it at times, but I DO keep getting back up and running (or staggering) to the cross. I'm finding that it's one of my most favorite places to be: in that shadow - eating the fruit of righteousness with great delight. And the most startling thing of all is: He sustains me still, and His banner over me is love.

Right now? THAT is my good news. I am a witness of this! And its not over yet: He's coming back.

"After all of the years, You're still here, You're still here.
After all of the time, there's still a smile on Your face.
You are so Good, You are so Good."

"Come near, O Burning One. Come near, O Burning One.
Where can I run from You? Where can I hide?
You're love has made an everlasting mark on my heart.

So fan the flame. Fan this flame."

Anyway. That's all I have for today. Grace and Peace be with you all who love our Lord.

Restore Me, Restore Others

2011-10-02T20:24:00.002-04:00

Its been a while since I've actually posted an actual blog entry.
Mostly this is due to being busy and growing through a lot of changes in my life.

Has anyone ever seen crazy restorations happen when you least expect it - right out of the blue?

This is what my life is encountering right now.

I'm watching some major rifts in relationships be mended - so much and in such a way that it has left me spiritually with my jaw dropped. I could NEVER have imagined the kind of faithfulness that the Lord is showing me in the life of my family.

Let me explain.

The Lord and I have interesting conversations and there are a few in which a moment is defined by a memorial snapshot for God to bring out later. Such was the conversation that I had RIGHT before the biggest fall out my family has ever experienced happened.

We had just changed churches, and my family was in a shambles. I knew that we needed the Lord's help because it seemed that a lot was falling apart in our family and there was no one who was safe enough to be there for us in that time.
God and I had this conversation where I consulted Him about the entire situation and I was as serious as I could be for a 19 year old.
I said, "Lord, I don't even care anymore how much it hurts, whatever it takes, help us. Heal my family."
Those 2 words formed into a desperate prayer, "help us!" were more on my lips than any other.

It wasn't too long before some of the biggest secrets came out that were both shocking and mortifying. Who were these people I called my siblings?! None of us had even a clue until that long 4th of July night, 3 years ago. Never had we experienced so much emotion, so much anger, so much hurt, so much heartbreak in small amount of time. It was wrecking.

I remembered my prayers, and I didn't understand.
But the Lord was faithful. He reminded me that in order to help us, He had to clean things out.

Fast forward 3 years and individually, a few us have begun to heal in our own way. Restoration, we thought at this point was a far off hope.
But it wasn't.

A relationship which has had problems from the get go was restored on an ordinary Friday night at a bonfire AND as of tonight, my parents are meeting with another person who was a major part of the fall out with our family stuff in the first place.

And still, I cannot forget my prayer, "God help us!"

Three years seems like a long time in high school. But it ends up being faster than one could imagine as you go into your twenties.
Before you know it, 3 years can be planned for without a problem.

Looking back on the last 3 years, I don't see all that God has been orchestrating in our lives. Who knows even now? But all of a sudden, something has shifted, and its time to make amends. Beautiful isn't it?
One day, you wake up and no longer feel resentment towards a person who you've been trying to forgive for years. In fact, you almost feel - love.

Why?

God is faithful.

So here's what I've been thinking. Its a lie to think we get to where we're going in our own abilities and our own strengths. Its only when we find the ugly end of ourselves that we begin to actually move forward and beyond ourselves in the first place.

Yeah, some people prosper for a short time even in their wickedness. But as for me? As for those of US who are following Jesus? We are blessed among men.

"Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall but we rise and stand firm. " - Psalm 20:7-8

Titles, pedestals and man-made positions fade. One cannot take their college degrees into eternity. At some point none of that can help you if you don't have favor among men.

But we - we are blessed among men because we have favor with God.

"God, help us."

Desperation. Deliberation. Down-right dependent on God being good.
That is what it comes down to.

"3 years" has broken any notion I had that I was in control. What, was I in control of my emotions? My feelings? My friends? My family? My life? My job? My church?

ALL of it came crashing down.
What then, am I left with? A confused, finite mind - a pride that will fight truly unto its death.

But God. (What a wonderful phrase - but God .)

But God was answering my prayer.

Only God can help my family at the lowest and highest points. Everything and everyone else is dispensable.
It comes down to trusting in the good name of the Lord our God.

Same is true for me: only God can really help me.

I've personally been going through a season where I'm allowed to feel EVERYthing for what its worth.
My entire life I've been told I'm oversensitive and so my entire life I've been trying so hard not to feel my emotions to the fullest that they are. Stuffing all that makes for one angry person - someone who controls themselves impeccably until something sets them off. But God has been hacking into all of that and I'm able to finally forgive for real.

I'm allowed to be fully angry and I'm allowed to be ecstatically excited. I'm allowed to! But that also means that I've got to face the feelings of deep longings, disappointments and even dare to... hope.

No man can help me here. Only God. But God.
And He is. So I'm becoming free.

Free to express, free to share, free to NOT share. Free to love. Free to be just ... me. Not have to worry about people telling me that I feel too much, that I AM too much and that I'm not good enough.
God is my help. The Spirit is the Heart Changer even in our most wretched state.

Praise the Lord and thanks be to the most High God! And because He is the Heart Changer, I'm free to finally offer grace to those who have fully betrayed trust. How can I not when I'm finally beginning to understand how much forgiveness has been bestowed upon me?

"God, help us."

He is a good, good God, guys. He scares me. His unpredictable ways undo me.
But He's good and He loves His kids.

Today I visited a friend's church and the word that stuck out in the prayer time was "Restore".
Talking about how restoring doesn't just mean to put something back in its place, but to put something back in its place and abundantly more. This is the story of my heart right now: Restoration.

Here are the lyrics to one of my all time favorite vineyard songs:

Restore Me
Michael Flowers
Have mercy on me my unfailing love
Have mercy on me, Redeemer
Please open my eyes
My soul now set free
To surrender

Create in me a pure heart oh God
Renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away
From your presence oh Lord
Cast me not away

Restore me with joy from heaven
Restore me to sing Your praise
Restore me restore others
To follow Your ways

Come breathe on me now
Oh life-giving wind
Come breathe on me now, Redeemer
You’re looking for hearts broken and contrite
Look with favour
Look with favour
Look with favour

Luke 7:36-49 - Poem

2011-09-29T01:21:00.003-04:00

Luke 7:36-49

by Sarah Faith

With tears that stain
her heart of shame
she brought to Him
her most precious thing

She entered in
to the screaming sound
of judging eyes
with faith most profound.

With submissive air
and in no way proud
this darling girl
poured her whole life out.

Though battered and broken
within her sin
deeply she loved
and much was forgiv`n.

Phasing Through

2011-09-15T10:35:00.003-04:00

Phasing Through
A misty rain dusts my face.
The chill of which lets me know
that Autumn is passing through.
O winter, come thou slowly!
But alas, 'tis nothing new.
This belov'd, firey season
in one breath, is phasing through.
Dying, frost-tipped leaves blaze on;
crispy-crunch with ev'ry step.
Breathe! Behold - her moments, few.

Her Painted Story - Poem

2011-09-12T08:04:00.002-04:00

Her Painted Story
miss-matched strokes
every which way
close up, folks
see not, or may
the beauty
meant to behold
as truly
her story unfolds.

Can Sounds Dance?

2011-09-06T17:24:00.002-04:00

Autumn sounds dancing/
through expectant little leaves/
drink it in! - just - Breathe.

The ABCs of my heart's thoughts

2011-09-01T07:55:00.000-04:00

The ABC's of My Heart

Amount to nothing
Belly Up
Coming cleaning
Done with self
Easier said than done
Finding though its worth it
God, Your kingdom come
Heaven in heart, expanded.
I decrease for sure
Just the way I've asked
Knowing You more
Letting go of all my acts.
My masks come down -
Now is always time.
On His face is shown
Precious light, glory - mine.
Quiet stillness be -
Remaining before Him.
Stay a while with me
Til I sing as the Seraphim.
Unfortunate world in
Vanity they strive.
(Wane not from His way, dear girl!)
X the spot in
You I shall abide & my heart the
Zeal of God forever reside.

Spiratic Randomness

2011-08-31T08:46:00.002-04:00

Here's a few thoughts that have spiratically happened in my brain in the last few months.

The song "Promises" by Desperation Band
"All Your promises won't let go of me."

Allure me
bring me to Your wilderness
speak tenderly
God my heart is such a mess.
-a tuesday night set

Nothing can I do
of my accord - I choose
to gaze into the Truth
-Haiku -8.22.11

The beginning of knowledge is the fear of the Lord
and I'll look like a fool if that means Your strength will be made
great in me.

Take me to where You are
don't leave me where I am
draw me to Your heart
into perfect communion. - another tuesday set

Gazing
His eyes are
like flames of fire
Just one glance
you say that you are ravished
-last nights set

Wholly Uncreated One
You're so much bigger than
My imagination
So much vaster than
My finite mind can comprehend
- last night

A list of who God is according to Psalm 7

vs 6-God can be angry
vs 8-He judges the peoples
(David asks God to judged him... gutsy move)
vs 9-He establishes the righteous
vs 9-He tests the hearts and minds
vs 9-He is righteous
vs 10-Our shield is in Him
vs 10-He saves the upright in heart
vs 11-God is a righteous Judge
vs 11-God feels indignant every day
vs 12-13-If a man does not repent God will whet His sword and ready His bow, preparing His deadly weapons
vs 17-Thanks is due to His righteousness
vs 17-He is the MOST High.

VERY interesting stuff!

A Pilgrim's Process

2011-08-19T11:09:00.006-04:00

Have you ever been in a season of your life where NOTHING goes the way you planned and EVERY way you thought you would react is absolutely not the way you end up reacting?
Or how about the one where you don't just wrestle with God all night long - but for MONTHS long?
Or what about the season where you almost welcome the ugly truth at any cost, just so there's finally some absolutes in the muddled mess of chaos that seems to be all-encompassing in the brain and heart part of your life?

Add those 3 examples up and stir in a few more - and you've got the season I've been in for probably the last 2 months or so.

I've had more midnight encounters with the Lord in the last 5 months than I've had in my entire lifetime.
I remember asking God to inconvenience me if it meant losing sleep at night. I didn't know that the answer to this prayer would be accompanied by the turmoil I've been facing in my heart these past few months.

In a nutshell, I've been facing the all-too-real fact that apart from God, I can do nothing that benefits me or anyone else. Not only that,
but I'm finding I can't even render my own heart unto Him without Him giving me the ability to. I confess the very truth here that - I honestly thought I wasn't all that bad, growing up. I know I have issues but there's always an excuse of, "if people just understood me" it wouldn't be so bad.

But here's the UGLY thing I've been having to face: I don't even understand me.

Granted, I understand why I do (mostly) what I do and I gauge my responses and reactions with root things and understand the tendencies of my personality, HOWEVER. I never could have been ready for what God was unearthing in my heart. I don't trust Him because I don't trust people.
I expect Him to be overwhelmed by me just like people have been. I expect that randomly, when I'm least expecting it, He's going to change His mind because - I've been blind in the past and my life is RIDDLED with people changing their minds or not understanding me and just - leaving.
Why would I want to serve a God like that?
How do I serve a God I expect to be like that? I don't understand myself. I'm living a paradox. One that isn't healthy.

As an analyzer, it becomes increasingly difficult not to conclude falsehoods rooted in wrong mindsets especially when it comes to my view of God. Its easier to fall back on "comfort blanket" determinations that directly oppose what the Bible says about His character or on what God has told others and not necessarily what God has told me. And, He's calling me out on the carpet for it. I can't keep taking the easy route of self-deception. The truth is: I don't trust God, I don't trust people, and I don't trust me. To appease my ever-planning, always-trying-to-understand-everything brain, I conclude falsely on assumptions based off of my experiences which - we ALL know, is neither healthy or good.

So here I am, standing before a VERY holy, very sovereign God - wrestling with the pride of having to come before Him yet again, without having myself figured out yet. I hate not having things figured out, especially if its myself, because I then don't have a reason for why I'm a mess. I just AM.

I read something that profoundly spoke to my spirit this morning.
I don't read My Utmost For His Highest religiously every day, because I don't feel led to.
However, I felt led today, and the title was "Self Awareness" with a scripture from Matthew that simply said, "Come to Me..." Oswald Chambers said,

Self awareness is the first thing that will upset the completeness of our life in God, and self awareness continually produces a sense of struggle and turmoil in our lives. Self awareness is not sin. ...Yet it is never God's will that we should be anything less than absolutely complete in Him. Anything that disturbs our rest in Him must be rectified at once, and it is not rectified by being ignored but only by coming to Jesus Christ. ... Beware of anything that can split your oneness with Him, causing you to see yourself as separate from Him. Nothing is as important as staying right spiritually. And the only solution is a simple one - "Come to Me...." The intellectual, moral, and spiritual depth of our reality as a person is tested and measured by these words. Yet in every detail of our lives where we are found not to be real, we would rather dispute the findings than come to Jesus.

Come to Jesus.
Just come. Don't think, don't analyse. Just come.
I don't even want to swallow my pride either; 'Cause its still inside, then.
It must be splayed out on the table, wide open for Him - and Me, to see.
I must say that I have never been more broken-hearted over my own darkness before God than I have been in this season of my heart.
The thing I'm holding on to is His consistent, divine love of grace.
"I am dark, but lovely." - Song of Solomon 1
Its unbelievable. He understands me - and gets me more than I get myself.

One of my mentors challenged me to thank God for my unanswered prayers. Some of the things we want and pray for would ruin us if He didn't love us enough not to answer them right away or even at all.

I never thought of it that way. The only thing I want ruining me is God's holiness.

Last Tuesday I sang out my heart. I've felt so overwhelmed and like such a failure, even though I KNOW I'm making progress in the Kingdom.

I sang out of Hosea, which is interesting to me.

2 things I sang - the promise God gives to His back-slidden bride of betrothing her to Him in righteousness and the promise that He will allure her and speak tenderly.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [trouble] a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. "And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal.' For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. Hosea 2:14-17

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. Hosea 2:19-20

And I sang, "allure me, draw me to Your wilderness. Speak tenderly, God my heart is such a mess. Bind me in Your righteousness. Betroth me in Justice. Betroth me in Your steadfast love and mercy mercy. Bind me in Your faithfulness - Help me to know You, Lord."

It was a very sweet set for my heart. Thank You, Lord.

Something really hit me as I was thinking of all of this the other day. I'm really at another fork in the road. If I don't move forward, I'm being disobedient and am therefore no longer walking with the Lord where He's going. Its another decision to either be a woman of my word and move forward despite the difficulties, or flake out and do my own thing.
Before, I never even considered that these moments are pinnacle decision-making points in choosing Him again or not.
I wasn't aware of this before. Of course I would choose God. But now, these tests become harder and harder. Its becoming easier and easier to desire the easy way. We always have a decision to make. But the truth is - we want to be people of integrity. I've chosen this way, I will continue to choose this way.

So here's where I'm at: I don't understand myself. I haven't come to the point of complete surrender that I would like to yet. In fact, I can't even do that without the Spirit of God guiding my heart to that place. So I'm caught in suspension. Acknowledging my pride and my sin, acknowledging that I can do nothing to fix it without God, and now waiting on God to make His move, because I need a miracle in my life. I think that's what His grace is for, isn't it?

I'd love prayer. I'm in dire need of it.

I'll tell you what - I've underestimated God for far too long. Its time He's bigger than what I've ever imagined. I guess it takes making me recognize that I've made Him small to begin with, in my heart. And not to correlate who and how He really is with what I've viewed Him to be. Because its clear that I've been very wrong. In fact - I AM wrong without Him and besides Him.

Two things I truly hope I glean from all of this: big faith in Jesus, and a deeper knowledge of Him.

Lord, let nothing separate me from being identified and abiding in You.

"Change my mind and change my heart. Everything I think and know - tear it all apart for the sake of knowing You, for the sake of knowing You."

Over and Round About Again

2011-08-12T11:42:00.001-04:00

I finally have my new song up! I'm re-posting my blog entry from March so you can have the lyrics. The song is located under "My Songs" tab on the top of this blog. Read along!

ps: the recording isn't that great since I didn't have time to put finishing touches, but at least its up for people to get a feel for the sound. :)

3/19/11

I just wrote a new song... I've very excited about it since it says everything I want it to... its just where the very core of my heart is right now. Awesome, awesome stuff that God can give you even when you don't deserve it. And trust me... the things I've said to Him in the past 2ish weeks... I really, REALLY am learning His grace on a new level. Forget being saved most of my life. I'm being saved every day of my life. And praise God for His gentleness and patience with me. Maybe I'll see Him a little clearer this year. I hope so. Thank you to all my followers and for caring enough to read my little hearts rantings! Hopefully we'll get the song recorded and up sometime too!
much love in Jesus,

Sarah Faith

Over and Round About Again
by muah
3-12-2011
Just when I felt good enough
my heart and words aren't matching up
I go from great to sinking deep
into the pits of my insecurities

And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

And now You're moving me to grow
expanding Yourself to break down all I've know
I go from great to very small
submitting myself from not having feared You at all

And this is where I guess I work out my faith
And I'm tired of where I've been and its time for a change
And this is where I guess I learn Your grace
When I stop seeing myself and I seek Your face

Time to stop lying to myself
I confess my rebellion. God, I need Your help
I wanna lay down these plastic pearls
Open wide my heart, God, You've been faithful to this Girl
Open wide my heart God, You've been faithful

and this is where I know I learn Your grace
And this is where I know I'm tested in my faith
and this is where I know my testimony holds
when my word matches my heart and my faith's worth more than gold

Over and round about again
I'm a fool to think that this would be the end
So I'll cling to what You've said
When I see You as You are I'll be perfected
When I see You as You are...

'New Eyes For The Journey'

2011-08-08T09:43:00.001-04:00

"...and open her eyes, she did, as though she had slumbered for a wintery time. Yet she had only blinked and the world had changed before her. But it wasn't the world that had changed, it was her heart. And she saw Him. He was there in her path; for it was not her path, but His. Now she saw that everything which delighted her was His; And - it was. With great joy then, she joined Him on His journey." - the story-like explenation of my personal journal rightfully titled, "New Eyes for the Journey [of His Dream]". Of course the "she" in this story is me. :) I appreciate how the Lord gives me visions for where i am spiritually. what a blessing.

Giving of My Best - a Poem

2011-08-02T11:13:00.003-04:00

Giving of My Best
Sarah Faith

Lord, these desires are so dear
my treasures and my crown
but too much importance, it is clear
on these things have been found.

Pulled between my want and Truth
hanging mid-air, sound
upon the alter, above my hands
I lay my Isaac down.

Holiness vs _____________.

2011-07-29T19:27:00.002-04:00

So here's the deal.

The primary reason for asking the question I did was not because I was looking for answers. Rather, I was looking for the perspective people have on how they view their life in relation to Holiness. This question was more or less an icebreaker for what I wanted to write about today.

A bit of background on myself: My end-all dream, its seemed, was marriage.
But marriage isn't an end-all dream. In fact - its just one desire of many, that will have to be waited upon to be fulfilled.

Here's the thought: Its not about OUR desires being fulfilled. Its about God's desires being fulfilled.

Its not about self-centered view of ourselves and how holiness plays into it, its about a Kingdom-based, God-invested heart where holiness is the very atmosphere that it thrives in.

Paul poses the idea that it is better to NOT marry if you can. He also said that it wasn't wrong TO marry.

Wait.

Not to marry, if you can?

I'm not talking about people who have the gift of singleness for the rest of their lives.
I'm talking about a true-blue christian young person who absolutely wants to get married - CHOOSE - to have a mindset that doesn't say, "gotta get married before I die," but says, "Whats best for the Kingdom stuff? If marriage doesn't benefit this any - why not abstain until it does?"

A twenty-somethings Jim Elliot wrote, "I'm a single man for the sake of the Kingdom..."

Wrote this to the woman he very much desired to marry but - because HE COULD - he felt that God had called him to be single until further notice. 7 years went by - both feeling called to further the kingdom - both completely in love - both completely at the mercy of God - If and when He might change His mind - they could only hope.

That's why there's no wrong answer - every situation could be different. The ACTUAL thing I'm trying to provoke here is an awareness of mindset.

The idea is that the END ALL dream of ours SHOULD be complete sanctification and holiness for the Lord.
If God tells you no like He told Jim Elliot - by all means. God can change His mind - He does what He wants. The idea is to have an attitude that says, "How is this furthering the kingdom?" and "Am I willing to forgo my desires for God's plans."

I think I'm trying to get at the ROOT of our intentions. I might question WHY you're actually doing this or doing that - and you may have valid answers. But does that valid answer resound of a self-centered intention or a kingdom-centered intention?

I loved Rebekah's comment about NOT doing the right thing we ought is actually being disobedient.

Obedience in my faith walk is KEY, KEY, KEY.

I KNOW when I'm not obeying the Lord. And I'm held accountable for it.

But actually, on the other hand, something Ben said hit it on the head: HOLINESS should produce the decision.

So if that's the case -

Shouldn't you already be obediently acting on what is furthering the kingdom which could lead you to partnering with someone for the long haul?

I might be off my rocker is saying this but: being in love isn't a good enough excuse to be married for me.
I'm not saying that this is Biblical because according to Paul - burning with passion is all the excuse you need.

But I'm going a little further in craziness factor.
I don't want to get married unless we are a better team TOGETHER, in furthering the Kingdom than if we were separate.

At this point a few people would say, "Sarah, you're thinking about this too much."

Hmm.... yes.   I am thinking about it a lot again. But truth be told, I haven't really thought about it publically for years because God has been changing my heart.
Vision has been RENEWED.
Before I thought of marriage like this: Romance, Romance, Romance, Love, friendship - partnership? - Over the years I gave up on the word " Romance."
Now its (in no particular order - all are just as important):
Friendship. Partnership. Teamwork.  Romance? (That's the kicker-plus of it all. Makes me chuckle that God cared enough to add that in the mix.)
The "Romance factor" added to this vision I believe actually involves 3 things - holiness, honor, beauty.
If I had a choice to pursue those or a relationship with a guy - personally, I'm done feeling like I've got to make things happen for myself. I'll choose cultivating a holy heart instead, thank you. I'm at a point where I'm not into games anymore. I don't want lip service. I want action. And lots and lots of prayer. Until then, I'll be God's faithful little worker. He'll bring things around in His time. I'll see someday and I'm fine with it not being today. I just want to be apart of God's plan no matter what it looks like. :)

Its not just marriage. Fill in the blank.   Whats your mindset about things - is it to further the Kingdom and look like Christ or is it to fullfill voids that can only be filled by the workings of the Spirit?

So Holiness vs ___________.

Should there be a "verses"?

Why is there competition in the first place?

What price are you willing to pay to be like Christ?

Are you willing to let go of your unfulfilled desires for the sake of His glory?

Don't ask, "is this for me?"

Ask, "Why ISN'T this for me?"

Christians are called to be radical - living by faith not by sight, not by feelings.

If you sing, "holiness is what I long for," would you choose it over the other things you long for?

THIS is my point. Self must go. The jar of clay isn't even thought of when one knows that the treasure of the Kingdom is inside.
And hey! If that treasure includes a spouse and a God-intended union? Praise the Lord! He hasn't forgot about our little heart's desires after all. :)

Topic of Discussion: Holiness vs. Marriage? (Is It Possible?)

2011-07-29T10:33:00.009-04:00

This just posted on facebook as a result of much meditation on 1 Corinthians 7 -

So question for all my single/unmarried/dating/engaged friends out there: Would you opt to stay single if you knew that it would bring more holiness in your life to wait?

I shall post the results for this soon, along with my possibly radical perspective of what I believe the Bible says about one of the single-most priotized desires of humanity - marriage.

Conversation Progression:

Jeff C. - To wait till when?

Sarah Faith - well, according to 1 Corinthians 7 - to wait until you couldn't control your desires for someone anymore. In accordance with the scriptures then, you should get married so you don't succumb to temptation. And I'm not saying, "wait until y...ou guys can bearly keep your clothes on while making out. THEN MARRY FAST. " I mean - wait until you know that you can't wait anymore or - (depending on how your relationship with God is about timing) - until God gives you the go ahead. HOWEVER - my question takes into concideration that you may have already GOTTEN the go ahead by God about who you should pursue. What I'M suggesting is actually making a decision that you're not REQUIRED to make - but COULD. And WOULD you? This is the idea my question is meant to propose.

Anonymous girlfriend - I wouldn't opt out of something God has given to you. If God has been convicting you that your current relationship is not honoring to Him and you are staying in it simply because you're afraid of being single. Then you may need to be single for a period of time so God can work on the issue of you being fearful, and through that you will better reflect His holiness in your life. On the flip-side, if you have trouble with desire, you should be married. But it's a personal thing - if you're body doesn't burn with passion then it will be easier for you to wait longer before getting married. If God makes it clear to you to wait, He will back you up with the grace to persevere through it. Search your heart, listen for God's direction in your life personally.

Anna Joy -

I know whatcha mean Sarah :), and though it's not a flippant "ohh I choose this" if I knew that was the greater choice for my pursuit I think I would make that choice..and like carrying your cross, it'd have to be an everyday decision. Did ...you know right before Hannah & Jared got married..She made the choice to give everything up for God even though her wedding was two weeks away, and after her heart made that decision God told her to go and marry Jared and He would bless them. :)

FayFay - I'd like to take this opportunity to point out singleness is referred to as a "gift" from God, in that same book I believe. We are not all given this gift. It seems to me that instead of asking, should I choose this, we should ask, did God choose this for us? Because ultimately, we are all called to the sort of purity you described. Singleness is similar to a call to preisthood, I feel.

Sarah Faith: ‎Hannah and Jared's story is a beautiful one, that is for sure, Anna! And I'm not necesarely talking about the gift of singleness but the choice to wait (not forever, rather postpone if you will) on a desire fulfilled as it presents itself, if you KNEW it meant greater holiness in your life. :)

Ben B.
I agree with Fay on this one... being single is a great gift. I feel like the question itself almost implies that marriage is to be preferred, which I guess is what you feel like our culture (both in the church and out) encourages. As mentioned, though, the Bible seems to say otherwise.

The answer, I think, is to stay in the present. I'd like to be married someday, but right now I prefer singleness. I feel like it's a gift I won't have forever so I need to make good use of it! In any case, though, my call is not to worry about how that transition will be made, but instead to give God glory in the position in which I find myself. The way I see it, holiness produces the decision, not vice versa.

For me, I feel like I'm just finally learning how to really honor God as a single man... so if He wants me to do something else, it should produce a whole bunch of new ways for me to bring Him glory! Every step (singlness, dating, engagement, marriage)is a new chance for that if it's about what he's doing, not what we're doing.

If we really offer everything to him, I don't think there will necessarily be a "holier" choice, but all of it can work together for our good as we love God. Nothing offered to God is wasted.

Rebekah:  Question for Sarah: Which matters most? Your happiness or holiness? If knowing something will make you more like Christ than another choice,is it then disobedience if you choose a path that makes you less Christ-like? The sin of omission... knowing good that we ought to do and not doing it.

Jeff -  If you are truly not happy doing something should you really do it? Even if it is holy. Would God want you to if it wasn't in your heart?

Anna -  God changes our want to's..I think we'd be happy to make that choice if it was a true desire in our heart.

Those Midnight Encounters

2011-07-19T08:44:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had those moments when you look at the clock, its past midnight but there's business you know you have to do with God? Its those moments when your flesh tells you that you need 'so many' hours of sleep for your 'busy work day' ahead of you... which is busy EVERY day... But isn't God worth the lack of sleep for a day?

This week has been a major wrestling match with God. I'm an analyzer. I don't get my heart. I don't get my situations. And what it really comes down to is: I don't get God. I've been praying and thinking and analyzing and round and round my thoughts go, trying to come to SOME conclusion that makes sense. But nothing does, because I have a small and limited view.

So all of this came to a head between writing in my journal late at night while at work and then coming home and sitting on my bed - facing God in the dark. And boy did I have questions - and boy did I answer my own questions with answers that warrant MORE questions. And they're all old questions. They're all unanswered questions that may very well just have to do with my inability to trust God.
(And trust me - I don't. I trust Him a lot less than I'd like to admit. But that's part of the wrestle - admitting it.)

There's a song that actually embodies the very picture of my week. Nichole Nordeman wrote it years ago and I've always loved it. But it became my song in such a new way that I'd like to share it with all of you. Maybe it will bless some of you as well.

Where am I right now? I'm still waiting on answers... but I think God is still breaking me down because I'm not sure I'm ready to hear Him. I won't lie and say that I'm not a little afraid of what He'll say to me. Partly because - I don't want to have to have faith for something I don't see. But usually - thats what faith means. Haha - oh. Lord. Why did you name me this?

Grace and peace be with you through Jesus, - Sarah Faith

Ah life... :)

2011-07-18T12:56:00.001-04:00

"my heart strains for something - it reaches for nothingness in my love-world that exists only in mere blankeness." I wrote this 6 years ago... Before my life got complicated. sometimes i wish that my love-world was blank again, with only God to teach me. mostly though, i'm beginning to accept that God is enriching the kind of woman He plans for me to be through all of life's experiences. And encounters both pleasant and not. I wont lie... I definitely chuckled at these previous dramatic woes. Back when my life was waiting to be lived. Surely I still have one to live now! But having a blank slate is so different than one filled with other people's markings...and its supposed to be YOUR art. Its tough not to harden one's heart. 6 years can take a toll on a person. But if one wants to pursue holiness & purity, one must keep one's heart soft. [Eph. 4:17-20]. Its just interesting
how different things can be in such a short time. But God is consistantly good. amen!

A Thought Munching my Brain

2011-07-16T14:25:00.001-04:00

You know what really bothers me? When people draw massive conclusions about key Christian principles such as giftings of the Spirit - off of a few select scriptures instead of taking everything into context. Its unbelievable to me. Some things just aren't looked into, good enough and it bothers me how ignorant we can ALL be at times. My own ignorance in the past and even now makes my heart wince and my spirit ache for truth. I don't care if I went to seminary for 20 years - if I'm not LOOKING for the REAL truth which will edify the body of Christ, and if I'm not searching God's heart out in His word, I will not and CAN NOT give a living message. Instead I will teach a legalizing doctrine that lacks in understanding and binds people instead of freeing them.
Hm.

Maybe seminary would ruin me. I may not have hours of Bible classes down, but I want the truth - even if it offends my mind. And that's a price I'm willing to pay, if it will edify the Body, glorify my Jesus and punch Truth into the things I preach.

done. I'm off.

Psalm 17 - My Heart's Songs

2011-07-13T07:58:00.001-04:00

Just yesterday I did a worship set at the C-HOP and the two phrases that hit me like a ton of bricks as I was singing out my heart from Psalm 17 was this:

When everyone else's dreams seem to be coming true
and it seems that I'm the one left in this waiting room
I will cling to what is true
I am the apple of Your eye
and You're hiding me in You.
I am the apple of Your eye
and You're hiding me in You.

When in seems all my desires are going unfulfilled
and chaos is all around and I'm the one standing still
I will speak the things I can't see as though they were
I will see Good in the land of the living, Lord!
I will see Good in the land of the living, Lord.

I don't know how it happens, but somehow everything sounds like it was a written song when I sing out whats really in my heart. These 2 phrases are looping and looping in my head and its a good thing.
The other phrase thats looping in my head right now is from the LAST set I did on Psalm 17. And its just so fitting for where I'm at right now.

I will be satisfied when I see You're face, God.
I will be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness (and)
I will be satisfied with every good thing you provide
I will be satisfied with Christ.

Amen!!

I feel like because i

2011-07-06T18:52:00.001-04:00

I feel like because i write so much that it seems i talk alot. and I do. I just dont sound profound. You'd be disappointed.

I'm So Bored With Little Gods... 2 thoughts

2011-07-05T21:20:00.002-04:00

When we tap our foot and our fingers and watch our clock while we wait on God... And when we subconsciously say and think towards Him, "whats taking so long? I don't have time for this! JUST TELL ME what I need to know and SHOW ME, NOW!" - and when we give up in impatience and think, "I guess I'm just going through a dry season...." - what if its then, that it becomes apparent we've set 'our' time as god over the Father who is neither bound by our man-made measures, nor must make a defense for His own perfect timing. How arrogant we are! How foolish, I am. I am at least a breath and at best a delusion! GRASS. That is what I am. BUT the Word of the Lord stands forever. The Word became flesh and is Truth to all who hear. He who has an ear, let him hear! [Psalm 62] & [Isaiah 40:3-8]

-----------------------------------------------

God INVENTED time. His timing is perfect. And yet I am measuring out my time with Him - counting the minutes - counting the cost. What if time measured, was completely removed and thus, could not be considered currency to be spent, sacrificed or counted?
What if all we HAD in life was time - and we never knew how much we had banked and only God worried about our portions; and when 'time' finally ran out, THAT is we became free to never worry about rationing out this precious entity again?
What if our 'time spent' before the Lord was the only place where cost never mattered?
Five minutes - five years. Same difference in the Kingdom. The point IS - you forget there even IS time.
And we live in the future, and we live in the past - ALL measured by time past, and time future in relation to time NOW.
One of the devil's greatest deceptions: that the time allotted to us is first OURS - and second, that the "could'ves", "would'ves" and "should'ves" coupled with the "what-if's" of the future, can be somehow recaptured or precaptured in the "Now". In vain we believe this, and in that vanity, if we don't allow our paradigm to be completely changed by God, we will waste our lives. We doom ourselves to never capture the divine moment of the "Now" of the Lord, where He is. "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) - This phrase becomes then, the very cry and the very profound reaching of a God who knows the frailty of man. We really are just dust. (Psalm 103:14)

To know this, I am thus responsible to change. I MUST be changed forever. God is NOW. So am I. When we say we will be ruined in the glory of God and that we will waste our time to search Him out - truthfully, it is to offend the world's definitions and even our flesh's self-professed rights. God's time is so different than ours, anyway. I'm not sure I can really allow myself to wish I were doing anything else than what God has commissioned me to do right NOW, ever again.

Man - I'm being completely ruined in this thought. - in this new thing God has revealed in my heart.
Such a heart of man.
Mercy, Mercy, Mercy.
He raised His scepter of mercy and did not bestow on me the wrath that I deserve, and THEN - He clothed me in grace - favoring me and blessing me in all I put my hands to do to bring Him glory.
I need think for a while again.

Until I come up for air,
Sarah Faith

Mercy, Mercy, Mercy

2011-07-04T15:25:00.002-04:00

What a month this has been.
My heart has a lot being tossed around in it right now but there's a few things I've decided:

Well-meaning people can tell me all they want what they think is best for me, or they can tell me that I should be careful about what I'm thinking or deciding is "for me" or "not for me", but it really comes down to one very simple fact: No one knows better what God is guiding me to do than I do. And no one knows better then I do, the way He speaks to me.

With that understanding in my heart, I feel liberated to fully pursue what I must to bring glory to God.
I'd like to share an excerpt from one of my most recent journal entries about an epiphany I had that will change my mind-view forever. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't believe I've ever written any of my personal journal entries in here before! So making new history in this blog which is seven years and running, here goes.

"This has to be my view - my attitude. Regardless of how I benefit, Jesus is deserving of all glory, all honor and all praise. Who do I think I am, expecting to somehow know every reason for why things don't always go my way? Who cares, besides me? My point exactly. I'm so self-centered and I somehow think its my RIGHT to know what and why God lets things play out the way they do. But here's ONE thing I can rest in: Whatever is happened whether fair or not, whether just or not, whether explainable or not, whether logical or not, God is a very deliberate God. EVERY thing will bow a knee to His voice. He absolutely WILL get the glory in every situation, and He will do everything it takes to get the glory that is due to Him because in MY life, I owe it to Him. He has been my salvation. Therefore, it is not a sacrifice but a PLEASURE to suffer whatever affliction comes my way FOR the cause of the glory of God."

I'm being pretty transparent by sharing this thought with all of you - but I am not called to hide the human in me - I'm called to let God's glory shine through my weakness.

Here's the deal: My desire is to walk in a way that is worthy of my calling.
However God chooses to make me holy as He is holy, I choose THAT way as well.
I'd be an idiot to think that God would allow me to feel comfortable all the time on this path with Him.

Coming back from my trip to IHOP-KC, I was met with 3 conflicts immediately. 3 conflicts that required 3 confrontations which - if ONE is uncomfortable for me, TRY 3 within a 24 hour period.
I'm not actually bad with confrontation, I just hate it, that's all.
As uncomfortable as it was however, the situations were taken care of in a matter of minutes or at the very most, a half an hour. Why do I worry and get so uptight?
I just need to tackle each thing as they come.

There's so many things I need to process right now - but one thing I CAN say: If there was ever a time where going somewhere else completely confirmed that where God HAS placed me is exactly where I'm supposed to be, its now. And I'm so very glad that I have something to go by.

One other thing I know is going on right now: I'm clearly in a place of waiting and in the waiting, watching. It is so apparent to me at this point in my life that I would be ridiculous if I try to deny it. People have said that MAYBE God has other dreams for me than what has been placed in my heart right now. However, I am a firm believer that if that were the case, He would share a few of them with me so I could at least have a vision and run with it.
But He hasn't given me any other dreams. He's only expounded on what has already been in my heart and added to that, has given me assignments for this present time. Those assignments include all the components that make up my working life and so I fully intend on fulfilling God's desires for me in all of it.

But waiting - AH waiting!! What a time of patience and humility. What a time of the Spirit silently destroying the very way my mind has been resourcing my heart in expanding my knowledge of God.
The thought is overwhelming: I've been all wrong. And not on a surface level, either. My entire make-up - my entire human being is completely backwards in relating to the uncontainable God; and, in order to continue on the Journey I so deeply long to finish and to finish well, everything I thought I knew and everything I believe I've learned must be undone.
Woe is me for I am RUINED! Because I am a man of unclean (impure) lips and have a heart completely consumed with my own ambitions. (Isaiah 6:5)
All of it, in vain. My eyes are just beginning to see the Lord of Hosts. And every time I see Him better, all I've know prior, is undone.
Praise God for extending mercy to my heart and - (unbelievably added to that!), has also adorning me with grace to safely be changed into a person who reflects His Son, Christ Jesus.

This waiting thing is changing the paradigm of my very breathing existence.

While I watch my watch, could it be an idol?

And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." - Matt. 26:40-41

What if what I call "waiting" is really an invitation to see.
I sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart..." but then I complain because in my arrogant assumptions and inability to listen, I've mistaking God's invitation to WATCH and wait with an invitation to ONLY wait and then somehow feeling like I've been left behind.

I have been proudly marching around and demanding God's blessing and favor with the kind of ignorance of a workman on strike who hasn't done his research or talked to his boss to know what the real issues are - looking like a fool and exposed to the world when the legitimate truth is revealed that actually, the CEO has been silently at work on benefits and raises the workman couldn't of even dreamed of. Instead of talking to the Boss and watch what He will do, I've been openly making God out to be small and opposite of all He has promised, and of all I have preached to others. Double-minded and two-faced.

And yet - though I have been a fool, God still clumps me back together and begins molding me on the wheel again.
I have been softened some more.
What mercy.

Woe to me, for I have been undone.

I'm so glad God is undoing me in every part of my life, in every season of my life, and that He is faithful to complete and perfect me until the day of Christ's return (Philip 1:6) - where I will finally look like Him because I will see Him for all of who He is (1 John 3:2).

Maranatha! Amen!!!

2011-06-30T11:26:00.002-04:00

Clear, open blue sky
high today is 99
God, don't pass me by.

Just some thoughts -Not well explained

2011-06-09T19:31:00.000-04:00

Hm...

If there was ever a season of writing, THIS is that season. I'm keeping 2 blogs, tweeting, andddd....3 journals right now for various reasons.

I think its because there's a lot that God is doing in my heart right now. Lots of good - looking at lots of ugly.
I'm dealing with SO many things that are from years ago - anger, unforgiveness, and all these little girl dreams and things that people have spoken over my life that I've forgotten about ... until now.

I'm surprised at all thats coming out this way, but I guess its time to deal with some things.

God's given me a picture of a hope chest filled with many things - all my childhood and everything that entangled with it. To open this chest and explore the contents, there IS a catch. With all the good, I must also face all the bad.

So its definitely been a little journey - one that I've been afraid of, but one that can also be easily fixed: forgiveness.

But here's the other thing I'm afraid to face: all my little dreams.

If you read far back enough in this blog, you'll meet an optimistic, romantic, naive, unbroken teenager with the unrealistic, ideal world at her finger tips.
Its been a long time since then, and God is reteaching me that not all that I dreamed of in that time was bad.

Sixteen, going on 17. 6 years ago - and can you believe I've been writing in this blog for that long?

Its hard when everyone's getting married and engaged and YOU'RE the one going through a break-up and readjustment of life.
In all reality though, I've over the break-up.
Its the disappointment that its still not my time yet.

And then to add to all that, everything I know I want (regardless of whether I'm in denial or not) is either right out of my reach and right in front of me (simultaneously) OR - I just haven't thought of it yet.

So pretty much, its the first one.

I'm going to be real right now:

I don't want to be one of those really cool Christian girls who's just - you just LOVE them - and you can't understand why they're not married yet. Why God hasn't brought someone around for them.
Unfortunately - haha or maybe fortunately, I have become this very thing. :)

Is my heart disappointed? Yes. I really just want a friend who will know me, enjoy me, dream with me and want me for me.

But will I be okay?

Yeaaah..... I will be. I always am, anyway. I'm really not sure what the real lesson is for me right now and I think thats what perplexes me the most at this point today.

I refuse -REFUSE - to take a mindset that question's God's goodness when things aren't going the way I'd like.
Instead, I'm going to be a faithful friend to my lovely sisters who ARE getting married, I'm going to be me, and I'm going to focus on loving people and letting go of the pen to my life.

I DO anticipate what God could do in my life in the next 2 years or so. I'm actually going to Kansas City for the first time in a few weeks - a road trip with some girlfriends.
I'm pursuing purity on a whole new level - and I'm taking action in guarding my heart better - and guarding the hearts of the one's I love better - both male and female.
And I'm going to try white-water rafting - Something I've always secretly wanted to try.
And I'm applying to go on a mission trip to Africa next June - because I've always wanted to go to Africa since I was 10.
I'm starting to make choices that keep me moving and active and I'm trying to eat better just in general.
And - I'm trying to find opportunities to talk to people about God in the work place. THATS my deal right now.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

I really really really want to bless God and those around me.

I could certainly use yours prayers.
And hey! don't hesitate to write me if you have a thought or a word for me.
I'm always up for that. :)

blessings,

Sarah

My Thoughts on "the One" Theory.

2011-06-06T19:22:00.001-04:00

I'm not going to lie, this whole conversation really made me think about what I really believed and God took the opportunity to correct my heart a little.

I've always believed that God has that "One special person" for everyone.
Sept... not everyone CARES to have a "One special someone" out there so much as just whomever they choose would BE that person.

I mean, I absolutely DO! Its been on my heart for a decade now to pray for my future husband - that one special person who's just going to get me and know me and understand me.

But God gave me a reality check - just because I've done that, doesn't mean everyone ELSE has.
AND? Its okay.

God kinda gave me a picture - not a completely accurate one, but a picture none the less of the way this might work.

Esther. The story about a courageous woman who somehow was chosen above hundreds of other beautiful women to be queen.

Here's the pitch: hundreds of girls go through a YEAR of beautification and then get to choose what they're going to wear and what they're going to bring with them for their "one night with the king."
AWESOME! Right?

Esther says to the guy in charge, "I don't want to choose. You know the king better. YOU give me what you think is best."

I'm not saying I'm Esther.

What I'm saying is - not everyone thinks to ask God for the best in their love life AND - not everyone is supposed to.

But Esther asked for the best. And she got it.

Its okay if a small handful of people choose to ask God what HE thinks is best. It may be that their's is a story that will impact hundreds of people like Esther's.

Will MY story impact hundreds of people? You know? If it brings people to a fuller knowledge of Christ, then YES, I WANT it to. But if it just impacts the people I directly communicate with on a day to day basis, then thats okay too. The idea is to inspire others to seek out God's best for them. It may not be in finding a mate, but it COULD mean that they need to ask God for the best in the job realm or in the career path, or in the financial arena, etc.

So do I believe in "The One" Theory? Yes. Do I believe its for everyone? No.

Do I care if my future husband believes that he can just pick anyone and thats good enough for him?

...um.... yes.

I don't want to be a number.

"Oops, this girl didn't work so lets try this one. OH! NOT that one, never mind. maybe this one...." until he comes around to little 'ol Sarah who finally says yes to him.

I'm sorry but thats not okay with me. I'd like to think that AT LEAST if the guy I'm supposed to marry isn't thinking about his future wife and praying for her, that he'd be too worried about what God's doing in his life to play the dating game without true intentions of finding the person who could match him in his walk with the Lord.

Those are my own feelings about it, honestly. I'm not saying its completely right, but if I was trying to please everyone with my opinions, I would've stopped writing in this blog a long time ago.
:)

Those are my thoughts.

-Sarah

The One Theory Conversation

2011-05-24T08:42:00.001-04:00

Okay, so these are the results to a facebook status I wrote to get people talking. I am in the process of writing an entry that hopefully will shed some light on "The One" theory.

As a forward to this next entry, I'll give you a feel for what my entry is going to be about:
I DO believe that you can choose whomever, to marry. HOWEVER. There's an exception to that rule, and that is intercession.

This Conversation sparked some thinking and the Lord corrected my thinking on this whole thing, and I'd like to share that with you!

MORE coming soon, Sarah.

Sarah: I kinda want to spark a little controversy. What is everyones thoughts on 'the One' theory? Does God handpick a person out for us or is it our choice

Cathy: Every person in your path today is there for a purpose.

Stephanie: Both.I truly believe He handpicks.I truly believe its our choice whether to accept and receive His handpicked choice

Cathy: Oh but this may not be "mate day" lol

Robyn: I don't think it's an either or. depending on your faith I think it will be either or. I find that once in a marriage, He is causing us to see ourselves more intently.

Jonathan:   If God handpicked one person.. What would it mean if we missed it somehow? Could we even miss that! Is God laying out this path of life that we will inevitably walk down? Is there THE ONE and can we still marry THE TWO?l

Liz: He chooses the One for us. That's why we never have good luck in relationships in the beginning then eventually find our soul mate. Each person we date is one step closer to the person He has chosen for us.

Jonathan: And then the age old question.. Of God hand picks THE ONE and then that person is crushed by a falling piano.. Does God have to pick out another ONE? Was that 2nd ONE always chosen because God planned for a piano to fall on number ONE?

Camisa: I am wondering this too, sara faith. I don't know the answer.

Liz: Very thought-provoking, Jonathan! :)

Jonathan: And then you have people who met THE ONE and then THE ONE married someone else.. Oh that is harsh!

Liz:   And that's where THE ONE, Part Deux comes in :)

Jonathan: If you get killed by a falling piano... It was meant to be. Even more so if you get crushed by a falling whale and then survive. And then out of its belly stumbles a rebellious prophet and you two live happily ever after.

This is the thread where all the singles can chat about fate and then meet and then date and then celebrate when they (get married and then) mate whereby they create more people to wonder if they should exist or not because what if Dad wasn't Moms THE ONE? And mom and dad had kids that never shouldve existed? And then THOSE kids have kids. Omg!

Liz: I shall be looking for falling whales from now on, lol!

James:   I agree with what Stephanie said way up there at the top. I think God does have a specific person for us to marry, but I think it is up to us to find that one person. Kind of a like a treasure hunt if you know what I mean :)

Robyn: I like Jonathan! He's a "thinker". Marriage is not for the whimp that's for sure!

Liz: Very awesome analogy, James! :)

Robyn:   How about .. we need to "BE" the One.

Mary Bres***: what if Sara, we just pursue The One...Jesus and see what happens along the way? perhaps the desire to find some human mate is sidetracking us from the main goal in this life to know The One True God. marriage is great but it is not the ultimate purpose of this life on earth. I've seen way too many people make it their one thing! marriage is a help in making us holy...it is not to make us happy. Our joy is in God alone! so if along the "path" you meet someone who helps to make you holy then perhaps this is the one! And Jonathan if they get crushed by some flying piano, then maybe there will be another who will help us to be holy.....or maybe we just need to live in the Spirit to be holy...let the mystery continue

Jonathan: Hmm.. I think we (sons of Adam or daughters of Eve) tend often to make decisions based on: how we feel, or: how it will hopefully make us feel.. Which isn't a horrible thing, feeling good that is.. Tho marriage is not about making us happy.. Its about glorifying God.. Which is very Merry making thing.. I'm still quite influenced by what my eyes see and feelers feel.. I don't pray to marry The One as much as I pray to love the one I marry.

Camisa: "I don't pray to marry 'the one' as much as I pray to love the one I marry" nice Jonathan!

Robyn:  GREAT STUFF HERE ALL! Sarah?! You must be very happy with the comments. I know I am..

Lynn Marie:

You! Stir up controversy!?! :) I personally think there are a nice size handful of 'the one' that God can match you up with. If there was only one 'one' that could cause a problem if someone marries the wrong person. I think it more has to do with the type of person God wants you to marry (spiritually and emotionally).

The ultimate part of it all is making sure you are marrying who God says to. There could be 100 guys out there that could be 'right' for you; it's more about making sure God gives you the 'green light'. God shapes and refines people through marriage; even in the best marriages it's like that. We have a fairy tale idea of marriage in the United States and because of movies.

Robyn:

Amen Sister Friend (Lynn Marie). Amen

Lynn R: God guides you but gave you the abilities to think for yourself. The rules are there to follow and the choices are yours

Joseph M: there's a certain chemistry that limits your selections, which may be set in place by God. However, I think that like government rulers, God and the Bible are not so concern how you got there as what you do once you are there.

Andrea: my pastor says we choose...and choosing wisely is critical. "The selection process" counselors say. next question...should it be the job of friends/older believers to introduce people to each other or is that the job of e-harmony?

Jeff: "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be MARRIED TO WHOM SHE WILL; only in the Lord" - 1 Cor 7:39

Andrea: @Jeff Utzler Way to go to the Word..

Ryan W: never heard of this theory but I doubt it...I agree with Jeff...

Ania W: that theory only creates a controversy if you put God on our level and limit him in time..... like we are limited. if you don't i think for Him it might be both at the same time..... :-) He is God afterall...

Sarah: "ONLY IN THE LORD" didn't anyone catch that part of the scripture? The idea is that we have God's best for us. Some people believe that whatever we choose is God's best for us... except that God brings people in and out of our lives as He pleases. Man plans his ways but God directs his steps. That proverb has never been truer in my life. But I also believe that you must ASK for God's best. If you prefer choosing things yourself, then by all means, it could be a hit or a miss. I'd prefer God's best for me in His time. Thats my conviction. I refuse to have anything less. Whatever ya'lls convictions are, go for em as long as they're based on whats true and not because you have an unbiblical, slightly cynical and jaded view. All of us can get caught up in whats false because of past disappointments. God's been teaching me lately that even though I've been disappointed, not to let that sway what is true in my heart. Those are my thoughts.

Jeff: You can marry whoever you as long as they're a Christian(I.e. "in the Lord) there is no such thing as "special someone"

Oh Lovely Spring

2011-05-05T08:13:00.001-04:00

On my way home from work this morning at a bright and early 7:30, I found myself driving into the early morning sun.
Still chilly enough to see my breath, there's just something about a spring morning and watching the sun rise.

I drive by nearly 20 ponds before I actually pull into my driveway and what I encountered on my way was nothing less than spectacular!

Cold sunbeams shooting through the budding trees, glowing frost coating overgrown, green grass, and a draping mist hovering in mid air over every pond I passed made my drive back like I had entered into a dewy silhouette of a dream.

Spring is not my favorite time of the year, but God is challenging me to take a look again, and allow each season to be my favorite season as they come. I have a hard time with this, as this idea parallels the spiritual seasons of my life.
I like my FAVORITE seasons, and THATS IT. But in this new idea, my heart is awakening as though I had been asleep, and I'm beginning to recognize the beauty of the now.

I feel like the season I'm in is the rainy part of spring. It just keeps raining and raining and raining. And just like Cleveland, right when you think the sun is going to STAY out, it rains again. And I always think , "we should know this by now... its still spring, its still going to keep raining. Its useless hoping for anything other than what this season brings."
Coincidentally, that is the response of my own heart towards the place that I'm in right now.
But this morning God showed me something new.
Rain gives birth to life.
The beauty of Spring is that after the rain comes, a miraculous thing happens - what was still and dormant has suddenly blossomed into vibrant life.
The romance and the mystery that the sun illuminated in my tiny corner of the world this morning spoke volumes to my heart today as the Sonshine in my own life begins to reveal what, (in His time) overnight, would create a lovely view for everyone else to see as He warms up the places that must be frozen for a time.

What a truly blissful thought. :)

- Sarah

Start at the End

2011-05-03T20:50:00.005-04:00

I just took a thought stanza from my journal and created a poem from it today.

I put a lot of deliberation into this little bit of my heart. :) As a (sort of acrostic) syllabic verse, this follows a alternating 7-6-6-7/6-6-6-7 format. Enjoy!

Please Don't Go Away - Start At The End
by Sarah Faith

Dancing down rolling hills
with a leap and a whirl
that flies out of control
my dear safe place spins Away.

Face to face with whats real
Not as spiritual
as I thought I had been.
Where did all my green grass Go?

Color isn't gone away
I find that its just bare.
No longer can I hide;
As of now I think I Don't.

Before Your eyes I end
My desperate little heart -
Reality of need.
Begin again, if You Please.

2011-04-20T20:18:00.000-04:00

Audrey Assad - my new favorite artist.

Dating and Marriage and Babies - OH MY!

2011-04-18T16:10:00.001-04:00

Its unbelievable to me. EVERY one is dating, marrying and having babies. Its nuts.
It makes me wonder how God decides which people are going to find the right person and start their family right away and which people He kinda just...takes His time making anything happen in that arena of life.
I'm definitely not annoyed. How can I be? These people are my friends! I'm so happy that God is moving in their lives and allowing it to grow and move forward.

But it definitely makes me wonder what God's ideal is for MY life.
Am I just... supposed to wait? Am I supposed to GO? And if I'm suppose to go, WHERE TO?

I'm coming to the end of my dream rope. I don't really have any more dreams, honestly. Whats so weird is that I always felt I was a big dreamer. But I've noticed that the only dream I have is to be married and move forward in ministry with a husband. Thats it. Thats not even a BIG dream. As I'm realizing, thats a NORMAL dream. Unless you're me. Because normal is all around me. I, on the other hand seem to be the only abnormal human being out there. Of course I'm not the only one! I have a handful of friends who are in the same boat I'm in. But here I am, 22 years old and I don't have any more dreams. NADA.

WOW. Nothing?! Not even one? Well I dream of being apart of something BIG! But I have no clue what "big" means... or what "big" pertains to.

So John Wimber (founder of the Vineyard movement) shared once that he was struggling with why his ministry was only mediocre and without power and the Spirit spoke to him and said. "John, I see your ministry. Now let Me show you Mine."

God's kinda whispering the same things to me. "I see your dreams, Sarah. Now let Me show you Mine."

But its been a process. I've actually had to recognize and acknowledge that MY dreams for my life are NOT going to happen the way I thought. I'm starting to let myself be okay with this. And now the question is not, "God, why did You let this happen to me again?!?" it becomes, "God...whats YOUR underlying plan in all of this?" Its not, "God! Why don't You see my dreams?" and it becomes, "God, when are You going to show me YOUR dreams for my life?"

Its a hard shift though. The only way that God has been able to get me to let go of my childish, girlish dreams for love and romance is to show me that I can't accomplish them. Ever, and especially on my own. That in fact, once I open my clenching fists, I find that these little dreams disintegrated long ago and that I'm wasting time and energy trying to keep what was never mine to have. God may have romance in mind... but its not the way I thought it would be.

Its a hard lesson to learn. I'll tell you its true since it seems I'm still in the classroom retaking my test... again.

Its pretty surreal.
Friends marrying the "One" for them (and they KNOW that they know). Having little ones that are practically mini-thems. And I get to be Aunt "Waha". I'm rewatching my parents younger years in my own life. It wasn't so long ago that they were in the same place. Twenty-two years goes by faster then I could imagine. I just hope I'm not a waste of space here. I need to know God is using my life for something important now if its not my time to have my own husband and children.
So many people say, "you're so young. You've got so much time!"

I don't understand how they don't think that what they're saying is not only belittling of my feelings but also patronizing.

Yes, I'm young. But I've been praying for my future husband since I was 12. I've been actively waiting for this in my life for 10 years now. I don't think thats a small feat. I'm not an average girl. Probably why this is so difficult for me. I'm not even jealous! I just feel so frustrated with the smallness of my life.
I'm trying so hard to be faithful. When is God going to show up for me? When will I begin to see the fruit of my investments into the Kingdom? Doesn't God see me?

Of course He does. I KNOW He does. I'm in very constant connection with Him... though not as much as I ought. But nevertheless, I cannot change my feelings.
If this part of life isn't happening for me, what part is? I'm determined to be okay with where I am, but its becoming increasingly difficult to be content when I don't even have a vision for my life beyond marriage.
What the heck is wrong with me? When did I stop dreaming and how do I start again?
What is my life amounting to?
Its great if others think I'm anointed to lead worship. But its MY passion. What HAS God anointed me to do? Why am I not satisfied with just that? OR is it that I need a fresh anointing - a renewed mind?
How do I get that? How do I move out of this pit I'm stuck in? How do I get my dance back?

A year ago God was moving my heart and giving me vision after vision for my life.
But - they're visions. How do I live them out in real life? And... where the heck is that dancer girl in me?
Where's the joy? Where's the heaven-perspective?
I'm so hurt and I don't even know what to do to heal except for what I'm already doing: crying hard when it finds me and floods in. Reading and meditating on the scriptures, especially on Jesus's words. Focusing on my jobs and being busy with those, getting prayed for once in a while... and dealing with all the junk God keeps surfacing in my heart. This is no glorious season for me. I just said all of this and I still want to say, "I don't know what to say."

My heart is so restless.

Whats next?

Some Words that Touched my Soul

2011-04-17T08:50:00.002-04:00

Audrey Assad - my friend introduced me to her and I'm never turning back. This woman has a beautiful heart and a lovely gift to share it.

This song is my life right now and I couldn't help but share it today.

Audrey Assad - Show Me
You could plant me like a tree beside a river, You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild. And I would blossom like a flower in the desert, But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battlePut victory like a fire behind my shining eyes. And I would drift like falling snow over the embers, But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life. But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning. Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me. But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones. Mercy bend and breathe me back to life.But not before You show me how to die Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water. Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea. And I will disappear into a deeper beauty. But for now just stay with me. God, for now just stay with me

Big Heart, Little Dreamer

2011-04-06T20:16:00.002-04:00

"Me dreaming big right now is like a childs cardboard book hoping to be an epic novel one day. It could happen, right?"

I honestly feel the way Pooh looks like he's feeling in the sketch - unsure... but still willing to move forward since thats the only thing left to do.

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I feel boring. And I may not actually BE boring so much as I find my life is boring. I'm almost afraid to say that because it sounds like I'm not seeking God enough and thats my problem... but its not! I'm walking with God and I'm reading my Bible every day... but I can't dream big at ALL. I KNOW I'm meant for something big, and its an exciting feeling, but at this moment, I don't see anything fantastic about my life right now.

It LOOKS like I have no life. (Because I really don't, truthfully.)

It SEEMS that nothing big is actually going to happen to me (but things aren't always as they seem, usually. Who KNOWS what God is doing in all of this.)

And it FEELS like I'm not going ANYwhere (yet a month ago if you had told me that in a months time I wouldn't be with my boyfriend, I would cut my hair 6 1/2 inches shorter, I would put in my two weeks notice at FirstMerit and that I'd be working at a dentist office wearing scrubs and working with mentally handicapped people on the side AND that I'd lead worship for the first time for my church on a Sunday morning, I would have guffawed in your face.)

I sound absolutely absurd right now. Who am I kidding? My life is insane and it just took a drastic turn. Yet my problem is - I'm very discontent with myself.
I don't see any big dreams in my heart. In fact, I'm concerned because I don't even seem to be able to conjure up any big dreams at ALL.
Whats with me?
And my question for God at this point is, "What do you want from me?"
I'm faithful, I'm trying desperately to live righteously before Him. I'm doing all I can do to pull myself together. I'm reading my Bible every day, I'm talking to Him in my car. Yet I'm unsatisfied.

I think God just wants ME.
I've been busying myself with doing all thats required of me, but He doesn't require the "doing", He requests the "BEing".

So here I am.

Finger to my chin, head cocked slightly, staring in the direction that I inevitably must go.

"Think, think, think, think. Oooh bother."

Its just where I am right now.

Faith is Expensive

2011-03-29T16:27:00.002-04:00

" In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls." -1 Peter 1:6-9.

Genuine Faith costs something. Even if its already in us - we choose how we will invest in it.

If it is genuine before, why must it be proved?
If it is free, why do I struggle so much? Why must I pay a price to have a genuine faith and a faithful trusting in the Lord?

Genuine faith is expensive, that is why.

How badly do I want purity in my life? How badly do I want to trust Him? How badly do I want to please the Lord?

"Without faith it is impossible to please God..." - Hebrews 11:6

How much am I willing to pay?

How much in prayer am I willing to sow?

What you sow, you will reap.
What you put in is what you'll get out of this.

If you want the gold, you gotta invest the gold.

If you want a relationship with God, you GOTTA pay something. You've gotta invest something.

What am I willing to invest?

Well....

"And the Lord said, "If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea'; and it would obey you." - Luke 17:6

I've since realized that I don't even have faith the size of a mustard seed.

What do I need to do to get that kind of faith then?

How much am I willing to pay?

Faith is expensive.

NEWNESS OF BLOG!!

2011-03-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

I am SUPER stoked about my new blog for my every-day silly things. I just can't bring myself to post a bazillion silly posts on this blog as most of it is reserved for the memoir of my life. But for the every day goofiness and funny stories that end up happening to me on a regular basis, I now have a corner specifically for them! I have also added new features to BOTH blogs, for those who don't have an account with blogger, you can now subscribe through email with a quick click! As always, thank you for being such great listeners, and I hope you find "Tissues for a Running Mind" as delightful as I will, in so writing it. :)

Always, Sarah

Ah.....Such a Blessing of a Song

2011-03-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

Joseph and the starting of the book of Sarah's Proverbs.

2011-03-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

Joseph
He got so screwed over - over and over again! ...Yet...He ended up being a man who blessed a whole nation - his family AND His God. Faithful, faithful guy.

Sigh. Maybe I won't have my family bowing down to me... but thats okay. I don't want that anyway.

I just want to know that what I've sown in love will not be wasted, thats all.

Once again, I know I'm writing a lot, but its awesome to just be free to write again... even if its not extravagant.

And ps: I do have a new proverb - as Christian as I am - and as much as I love Jesus, I can say this very honestly:

Sarah's Proverbs 1:1 - Listen up, ladies (daughters) and don't ever forget this: Just because you are a beautiful Christian girl and you love Jesus, doesn't mean you won't get screwed over in life by an a-hole at some point. But it DOES mean God will grow you lots, if you let Him. 2. Thats why you need to guard your hearts, for it IS the wellspring of life... and you COULD die of heartbreak otherwise.

I think someone should write a book about their "love-life" journey for the girls who love Jesus, don't really like the concept of dating around but don't live in a world where you're sheltered from all the "wrong Ones" out there. Its just the truth. Its hard to filter out who's real and who's not. I'm not talking about a "how-to" book. I'm just talking about a book where a real life girl gets hurt in REAL LIFE and still feels like she did what she felt God wanted her to do.
I of all people always wanted to marry the only person I courted, wanted to share my first EVERYthing with just him and have such an awesome, ideal, wonderful love story. I'm so careful about who I feel might be worth my time if He's interested in me. But... you can do all the right things... and still get the wrong end of the deal. Wheres the book out there that encourages women like me? I love Passion and Purity - but hey... honestly, I'm not praying that I have to wait 7 years to find out if God actually wants me and the man I love to be together or not!!! Though... Elisabeth's point is both beautiful and very valid.

So... Joseph. Got screwed over. Many times. But God used him BIG.
Maybe I have a small bit of hope yet.

But, He was not in the Wind...He was in my Car.

2011-03-06T21:16:00.001-05:00

I'm surprised at how much I'm writing recently... but after quite the lull in my creative streak, I'm back; probably because I finally have something useful to say.

I think... that I'm at a place where when heartbreaking things happen to me, I can't fight God anymore about it.

I'm at a point where I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of asking questions that I'm not sure I'm supposed to know the answer to.

I must say though: I am proud that I did what I was supposed to. I'm proud that I did the right thing - and didn't hide who I was or shrink back in what I believe in all of this.
If I'm not supposed to go a certain route in this journey with God, then there's nothing that can keep me going that way, if I'm truly following Him. For that, I am grateful. He is so sovereign.
I know I'm going to be okay. In a way, I'm relieved because I finally feel like I have a grasp on whats going on in my life now - love life, really.
God is going on in my love life.

I'm not trying to be weird about this: but I'm glad. There are a few things I think God and I need to work out in my heart now - lots of things that need to be broken down and off of me.

I'm actually very content. I know what my desires are. I know what I long for. Its okay that its not happening right now. Like I said, I don't feel the need to fight anymore.

Before I go, I want to share a very real, very special and defining moment that happened with God and me this past week.

The day that everything fell out for me, I got into my car to go somewhere. I had a swollen face and my heart was a shambled mess. God and I have this thing where, when I'm in my car alone - I'm really with Him. I get in, buckle my seat-belt and there we are - just Him and me.
And for a moment it felt like if we were actually both physically there, we would have made eye contact and the world would have stopped for a split second - and the way I would have felt in that split second is how I felt when I got in my car and went: He saw me. He saw me. My soul was bared before Him, and I think for the first time in my life - all of my self that I was aware of - was before Him and NOTHING was hidden - and I had nothing to hide.
Every dream, every desire, every hurt, every tear, everyTHING - He saw - and I KNEW.
And it seemed that I had no shame in staring back - and - if that wasn't gutsy enough for me, I then just looked at Him and with my swollen, tear stained face, shrugged my shoulders in defeat and said, "I hurt."
And (don't laugh!) but it was one of the very few moments I had nothing - absolutely nothing more to say. He knew. I wasn't hiding. I was honest and He saw.

And you know what?

I really AM okay. I've got the right One fighting for me. He sees me, He sees my worth, and I am loved by Him. Look...I may feel crappy from time to time - it might really suck even - but lest I forget the truth, I'm proclaiming it publicly. I am His, and He is mine - I am not shaken.

"He brought me out into a spacious place, He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:19

Questions that almost never stop running through my head!

2011-02-27T18:13:00.001-05:00

Hm... So I know this is a random and quick blog...

but I'd like to pose some questions that I wonder if others ask themselves (and God) besides me.

here goes:

Do I over-dramatize things?
Is it okay if I do... if thats how I feel?
Do I need to be humbled?
Am I super immature?
Why aren't I perfect?!
Whats with me?
What would it be like to have a pet giraffe?
What would my neighbors say if my pet elephant kept making tons of noise in my garage in the middle of the night? "Ring ring - excuse me... but could you PLEASE quiet down your elephant? I'm trying to sleep here!"
What are my dreams?
.....Do I even HAVE any?
Where did my thought just go!!!
Why the HECK do I find the Bachelor/ Bachelorette so amusing this year?
....Why do I WATCH the Bachelor/Bachelorette this year when I've been so against it the last several years?
What is UP with me?!?!
What should I say next?
Why can't I just go with what I know is right?
Why can't I just DO whats right?
Why can't I be witty right when I SHOULD be?
Why don't I want to spend time with God right now?
God... why do you love me so much?
Why am I going through this ... AGAIN?
GAAAHHHHHHH!!!! WHY DOES LIFE SUCK RIGHT NOW?
Why did I just think that?
Why did I just think that and conTINUE to think that?
When will SUMMER COME?
Why do I hate snow......wait I know why... cus its not like summer.
Why can't I just keep up with working out?!
What will my kids be like?
Am I going to stink as a parent?
....Will I even HAVE any kids?
.....Will I even GET married?
Hmmm....... wedding?
Why do I enjoy people so much?
Why do I hate people so much?
What should have have for lunch?
Am I fasting today.... AM I fasting today?
What day IS it?
Is coffee made today?
Where did my imagination go?
What ARE my intentions?
When did I get so old?
Why am I so immature?
What would happen if I should lop my hair off?
.....Should I cut my hair?
hmmm......?
What should I accomplish today?
Why do I ask so many questions?!!?!?!

Hmmm.... I'm glad I got those off my chest! (Haha.... I almost put a question mark there....)

Anyone relate?

off I go!

I'd like EXTRA Tomatoes and EXTRA Cucumbers, Please.

2011-02-15T12:07:00.003-05:00

"Looking up through her lashes she settled her gaze upon a horizon promising hills and mountains and valleys silhouetted by a creatively splashed, evening sky. Opening wide her arms she cried, "Ah! My friends!" and continued forward, skipping securely on the heights."

What does the Lord have for me?

Man, I've been asking this question for years, and the answer usually comes with the seasons. AND ... its always changing. It seems like God has a LOT for me.

Its been a very difficult season, certainly. Its funny to me because people who see, hug me in a massive, enveloping embrace and look at me with shining eyes and whisper, "God is doing a deep work in your life, girl. Oh He is...." and then, with a burst of delightful, joyous chuckling, I'm hugged again.

Its wonderful! Except for one thing: I don't feel it or see it at all. Its nice that everyone ELSE can, but as for me? My life is just one big compression of pressure and stress.
A few months ago I was fighting the Lord about why I was feeling this way, but TODAY... I'm like very flexible clay. I just... whatever.
Whatever He wants - whats the point in fighting back? Its better just to give in, and embrace the change.

Embrace the journey.

The Lord is healing my heart some more.
In fact, lets just stop at that one word: More.

This is the word for me this year.

There are a few instances last year that really surround this idea that God wants to instill in me, in 2011.

Both actually have to do with food, haha.
One Sunday after church, I went out to eat at Subway with a few friends. Now, I like EXTRA tomatoes and EXTRA cucumbers which, of course I asked for. Except when I asked for extra, they gave me the normal amount. So, I asked for more, which upon request, they added ONE more slice of each. This would not do...as, when I say more, I MEAN more. So I asked for more.
My girlfriend found this funny and brought it up later. I would have totally forgotten the whole ordeal, otherwise.
Then, a few months later, I went to Chipotle on a whim. Once again, for whatever reason, they weren't just heaping it on. I had to ask for more ... of practically everything, lol! And this really only happens at MY local Chipotle, really. I hadn't said anything before, but this time through, I finally snapped a little. When I stinken pay for this thing, I want my money's worth! I want more!

And it hit me.... I've been settling for whats been handed to me in my life, and I've been paying full price for it when I'm not really satisfied with what I end up with.

And the Lord spoke one word into my heart: MORE.
Stop settling and ask for more.

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. "For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. "Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? "Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Luke 11:9-13

A prophetic word was spoken over me about a year ago and the word was, "God wants you to know that God is the God of the MORE THAN."

Who would have known that My life would begin to take shape around this new paradigm a year later.

So, I'm done settling. I'm done settling for mediocre purity. I'm done settling for lukewarm discipline. I need to start getting myself in motion. For the first time in my life - a relationship doesn't mean that I wait around to see where he'll lead me - it means that its a blessing in my life and if its supposed to work out, we'll be right on pace with one another, running after the Beauty of the Lord and His Kingdom calling! I'm not settling and I'm not stopping my growth.
I'm not going to be ashamed of my love for the Lord. And I'm going to let that flow out in everything I do. I won't settle for any less love in my life.
I won't settle for where I am. I'm not done growing, and I'm determined to go forward. I'm not home yet.

I was good for yesterday... but today, yesterday isn't good enough. I want more.
More of the Lord.
More of His Spirit.
More of His love in my life.
More of His love for others.
More of His vision.
More of His timing.
More of His wisdom.
More of His knowledge.
More of His ministry.
More of His heart.

And I will not settle - ever.

Hm.

Weirdly enough, there's a lot of freedom in this - even though I feel like I'm being pressed on every side.

Possibly, this is what this season is supposed to do: squeeze out MORE of myself, and stretch out my appetite to take in MORE of Him.

Maybe I can feel His working in me after all.

*smile*.

My life in a Poem

2011-02-07T08:48:00.000-05:00

Deep inside my heart I know

a desire within me grows -

to put away all youthful lusts

for holiness and righteousness.

Struggle still, easy, no.

For I, myself, my greatest foe.

My heart to long for heaven things

my flesh to fight in opposing deeds.

All I long for is out of reach

the things I hate, I try unteach.

I battle for the sweet and pure

I've lost, I feel; my victory's sure

For by God's grace I move ahead

sometimes I lose, yet still not dead.

One day I'll walk tall and strong

as the Son revealed, my Glory has won.

2-3-11 -Sarah Faith.

...Calculated Chaos in the Midst of ... Peace?

2010-11-16T19:34:00.001-05:00

My life has taken a few undetected turns since I last wrote...
But strangely enough, I'm not too alarmed. There's so much going on with my family ... dare I share that I believe God may be restoring us?

My brother and my sister (my sister being gone and not around for a year and a half, my brother being gone for about 5ish/6ish months) are finding themselves back at home more and more often, and our family is receiving them with loving arms. Last Friday, along a brave young man's request to pursue me, my family... my Family was all together for the first time in a year and a half. My grandparents included... EVERYONE around the table. ... Something happened in my heart that night. It felt like home for the first time in a LONG time.

I've been kind of dealing with some emotions lately because all this stuff that's hitting close to home is occurring all at once and my heart is turning more and more to mush as I speak.

But there are a few things that are really blessing me right now:

1. Seeing my parents grow so much in God.. .. its unbelievable. It really is.
2. Seeing my siblings home together all at once lately ... THAT is a miracle.
3. Being pursued by a guy that continues to treat me like I'm worth it all and more... AND ... Has the Lord as the His One Priority - AND he knows the Word ... AND he's so much fun AND he's totally my opposite.
4. (this had to be its own blessing) AND ... He's for my family and really really likes them.
5. I found a 20 dollar bill in my HOP mailbox with a note that said, "Because I believe you are a full time prayer warrior." ..... thank you, whoever you are.
6. Thanksgiving is around the corner ... and I love giving thanks.... and turkey.
7. I've been really really really pursuing God since everything has been going "better" in my life ... and I'm being blessed in my inner man.

A few things I could use prayer about:

1. My family IS together, and I believe God is calling me to step down from staff at the HOP to attend to and focus on my family right now. That's hard for me, but I know that I know that I know that God is directing me in this way.

2. My relationship with this godly guy the Lord has blessed me with - that we would bless each other and those around us and that we would always honor each other.

3. finances, its the holidays... and signing up for benefits this year at work is going to go up about 20 bucks a paycheck... very stressful.

4. Trusting God and allowing Him to love me... and just let go of my life. He's got it under control.

anyway, this is more of a practical posting today.... but in all reality, I'm really not as profound as I sound when I write. I'm just me.

Thanks for reading,

Sarah

Curious George Meditates on the word of God

2010-10-07T19:49:00.001-04:00

Hee hee. I've been thinking about the title for my next entry for a while, and I keep coming up with Curious George. I think it would be hilarious if they made a book about him meditating on the word of God.

"Curious George pulls out his bible. He meditates, and meditates and meditates."
a few pages later....

the picture is still the same - He's at a table looking down at a Bible... but question marks are randomly placed around his head.

"Curious George meditated so hard that he couldn't get into any trouble."
"Curious George closed his Bible.... and went to bed. The end."

Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting anywhere when I take time to just sit and think. Sometimes I fill my lunch with stupid nothings and before I know it, an hour has gone by and I did nothing that even remotely benefited my life.

Sometimes when I'm on a prayer set I feel the exact same way. I'll be sitting at the keys, playing and singing out the songs of my heart... and yet... to me, it sounds raw, it has no content and I struggle to find words I deem eloquent enough to bring glory to Him in my two hours. Yet - as I walk off the platform feeling like I've failed again, I'm approached by others who are so blessed and touched and were met with the presence of God in that time. Its so strange to me, to be honest. What I thought felt pointless and insignificant is exhorting and encouraging the body of Christ - and most importantly, is continuing to invite the presence of God to inhabit the praises in that prayer room. You know what? They're the strongest prayers I can pray - because its in all of my weakness that He is strong.

I have to remember that when I go up there.

Lately I've been finding myself struggling with God on the issue of waiting. This is NOT a dry season for me - but it IS a time of wilderness. I know that He is the Living Water and that my praises are like fountains in a dry land. Its all about the Kingdom of God in my heart - its all about finding the treasure in the field and selling all I have with great joy to OWN this place - this field - this wilderness, really. Its been SO awesome. My heart is expanding, and my faithfulness is being tested again.

This place comes with great joy, but also, it comes with a price - everything I have, pretty much.
I'm cool with God moving things around in my life and gently removing things that are offensive to Him - but I'm realizing that I am growing restless in waiting for Him to fulfill the desires of my heart.
I've come to a fork in the road in my walk with God and it really took me aback. There's this way that I feel expected to go - pretty much I need to stop waiting around and take action and become an independent woman and prove myself to the world - show that I can stand on my own two feel. But most importantly - this way also says, "God, I'm done waiting on you. I'm just going to move on."

Then theres the road that I've been on which says, "I'm NOT the exception to God's promise. I will continue to go against the grain, stay where I am, do all that I'm doing and wait and delight myself in the Lord. I WILL see fruit. I WILL see the desires of my heart fulfilled. And I WILL praise Him, even now."

I've come too far to change course now - but this is a painful place to be - the fact that there IS another option - and that I've actually considered it. Why the heck would I want to consider it?!!?! What is wrong with me?

Its this lie. "You're the exception to the promise, Sarah. He's forgotten about you."

It playes on every insecurity I have - even my best friend doesn't see me.

I refuse -  I refuse to allow this thing to have authority over my heart. I see God's faithfulness every single day in the lives of my friends and family, and most importantly, in my life. I will praise Him - even if I don't see the fruit yet.

Truth is? I'm learning to be satisfied with JUST Him. Its something He continues to teach all of us, I know.

God is teaching me to focus on the end result - Him.   His Kingdom - true fellowship - FULL union with Him. I'm not living for the little things I long for. I'm living for Him.

I've been spending a lot of time in Psalm 17 lately. When consumerism is taking over the world - I will not be paired with the men who have their portions in this life.
I WILL see His face in righteousness and I WILL be satisfied when I awake in His likeness.
I NEED to be satisfied with Christ.

About 2 weeks ago during my Tuesday night 8-10 set, I decided to really focus on Psalm 17:13-15.
I muddled through an hour and a half of - being unable to say where my heart was until the last half hour. I finally just stopped playing around with the keyboard, set it on synth and pulled out a djembe.
Turned out to be my most resounding set I've ever played. (and my most impressive! I didn't know I could play the djembe and sing at the same time and still keep time!)

I sang out, "I will be satisfied when I see Your face, God. I will be satisfied when I awake in your likeness and I will be satisfied with every good thing that You provide. I will be satisfied with Christ."

I believe our words can build up and tear down in the spirit - and especially when we represent Jesus in this world. I also believe that when the Word of God is spoken and proclaimed, it never returns void. If anything, I'm realizing that I need to claim God's truth over my life. I need to CHOOSE it. Its definitely a practice - one that leaves me exhausted at points. At this place in my life, I'm coming across agreements I've made with the enemy that go WAY back to when I was so little. Its so familiar - but its time to go. I can't go any further unless I get rid of that baggage, and it is WEIGHING ME DOWN.
I'm DONE.

Can I say that enough? I'm done! I'm done, I'm done I'm DONE.
I'm so DONE. I choose Life. I choose Christ and you know what? These prayer sets I have? I don't care if I never feel anything again but failure. I have determined in my heart that they will be my best love songs EVER, yet. He wants me in this place to see my face and hear my voice because my face is lovely and my voice is sweet? Then I'm THERE.   I'm sowing into the Kingdom and I pray my history with God is deeper then I know. Its what I desire, more then anything else. When I see Him face to face, I'll recognize Him and it will look familiar to me. I'll do whatever it takes.
Its my dangerous prayer.
Hey. I've got nothing to lose - I just sold it all for this field I'm in anyway.

You know? God is SO moving my heart. I know He is faithful and I know I'm faithful to Him and the things He's called me to be and do. I HAVE been tested, I HAVE been visited in the night. I have been tried and He has found nothing in my heart that desires to be rebellious towards Him.

wow. I feel like this blog has no reason to why. But that's how my life feels right now. I'm sure I'll sound more pulled together next time I write. but for now - here I am. :)

Challenged in Love

2010-08-26T22:31:00.002-04:00

I think I definitely must start this entry out by saying - my heart is stirred, deeply. Last week our church did our 5th annual mission outreach to our beautiful city on the lake, and something changed in my heart, as I was pushed out of my comfort zone for - hah - the entire time.

I've been feeling a little uprooted lately. Its like having an old plastic water bottle fill with water, sand, some dirt and debris and shaking it so that everything in the bottle is whirling in every which direction. That's how I've felt in the past 5 months - entirely up set in a flurry of all the elements that make up my life - nothing new - yet everything is different and nothing is settled.

And yet, something IS new - its a shift in my heart.

This past Tuesday I sat down and did my first 8-10 devotional set at the House of Prayer. I don't think I've felt so moved within my soul while sitting on a stool, guitar in hand and the synth of the keys on low, before. AND I really don't think I've ever sung quite like that before either. Every single word weighed out in my heart like gold. It's time to tell about the treasure cove I've found: a place called His Heart.

I definitely have been walking through a place where I'm facing insecurities, dealing with old wounds, and coming to terms with the fact that I have so many wrong views of God that I don't even know where to start! Who would have thought that a little heart-break would trigger so many good things in my life - and even triggering a season of surfacing treasures in my life with the Lord that never would have sparkled any other way?

While I was singing on Tuesday, I had a revelation: In a dry and weary land where there is no water? I'm supposed to find that I AM the well. All that water I need is already flowing in me and I just need to tap into the resource of the Kingdom of God and all the Spirit IS for me.
I began to sing something that keeps kind of looping through my thoughts, "Deep, deep down, there is a river (a well) there is a fountain and it flows right out from Your heart. In a dry and weary land I will be a well (a fountain) of praise, singing over and over again. Its all for You."

I just remember sitting on that stool, thinking of what I could say to God next. And all I could think of was the vast treasure - the unsurpassed worth of knowing Him. Its overwhelming, really. He's so worth my time. He's so worth my pain. He's so worth it all, and Its like He put me under just enough pressure that would yield the most fruit in my walk with Him... and then I get to benefit from it all by seeing Him a little clearer. Its absolutely unbelievable. He's beautiful. He blows me away.
But I'm solid on Him and I withstand the strong winds I never thought I'd be able to stand against. I didn't know I was so fragile - so small. I didn't know I was this strong and fearless. I didn't know I could take heart-break the way I do - and I didn't know how experience seems to make one more humble or how the more I know about something, the less I feel I ought to talk about it. Its all so Topsy-turvy. I just... am so stirred.

So back to our mission outreach. We went out, approaching people, giving away free water, asking to pray for people and just enjoying being together.

Oh. And another thing - we were by the lake the entire time. Something about being by open water is very profound to my heart. I don't know what it is - the wind, the fact that I can't see the other side, the birds or sounds? Or is it that it is all even on top, with the waves of life being tossed to and fro, but the possibilities of going DEEP, are endless (hypothetically.) I don't know.

But God did speak something specific to my heart out at Edgewater that evening during worship on the beach: Of COURSE this is where I'm supposed to be! Of COURSE the Vineyard is my church home and of COURSE God has reasons for me to be there! I'm so being stretched by being around these people who seem to have no qualms about going up to someone and asking to pray for them. These are the kind of people we're PRAYING for in the House of Prayer... so I find myself on the opposite end - DOING what I'm praying will happen in my city. And its entirely uncomfortable in the approach for me. Yet I love the people. So stretching. The people in my church are so honest and loving. I don't even know what to do with it half the time except continue to humble myself and learn from all of them - and grow with them.

So I feel like my life is settling a little, which is nice. A lot is still up in the air, but for now at least the heaviest, most important things have settled in my little bottle of life. And I'm still working out some kinks, but who isn't? I want God to move me. And He is. And He is and He is and He is.

And I keep on praying He will and that He won't stop until He's through.

"Don't stop until You're through - I wanna be all for You."

Hm... Amen.

An Undefeated Heart

2010-08-02T13:20:00.007-04:00

It has definitely been a while since I have expressed my thoughts in this little blog. I'm so glad I have it for the very reason that I may be able to when I am ready. It has been quite the journey so far, this summer, as the Lord is bringing me nearer to His heart.

I know I struggle with holding myself to a standard of perfection, and NO ONE is more disappointed in myself then me when I don't meet it.

Somewhere along the way I started to believe that whenever something bad happened to me, it HAD to have been my fault somehow. I did something. It was a glitch somewhere that I didn't catch. So, I mull over everything I could have done better or differently until I find a fault. I then tweak it and believe that NEXT time, (because of my "fixing the problem") I shouldn't have anymore issues.

But c'mon. I'm human. I mess things up. I don't usually factor that in to my flawed mindset, however, and the vicious cycle continues.

This season has been a time of breaking the cycle.

Once upon a time, a little girl with many many romantic notions dreamed she would one day be found by the most amazing, God-fearing man (a pastor of course who loved music and could hold a tune at least!). And she placed her little, vulnerable heart in the hands of an 18 year old boy who told her all the right things and said all the things little girls dreamed about. But he had no substantial backup - no history yet of integrity, to let anyone know if he would keep his word. And it was all fake.

After this experience, an angry, hurt, broken young woman closed up her heart and buried any dreams of romance deep down and hid behind a ridiculous joke of longing for the life of an old maid, laughing in spite of her pain which allowed her to move along with her life.

Her prayers consisted of asking the Lord not to bring another man in to her life until he was the right one, because she thought she might not be able to go through the pain of betrayal again.

Nice enough prayer.... but flawed.

It doesn't factor in that OTHER PEOPLE choose their ways, and have human tendencies too.

So the Lord continued to heal my heart. I knew that I might have things that came up when the time came for someone to come into my life. And they did.

I kept mulling over what I did wrong with the whole situation, until the Lord showed me that I DIDN'T do anything wrong to direct what would happen with my last relationship.

People jump ahead of God, and as anointed as they may be, when they are not waiting for His move, they can hurt people along the way. I didn't do anything wrong, in the long run. I was just walking the path God has for me.
But people come along for a while, and because of THEIR humanity, things happen just like when I'M being human, things happen.

My heart hurts a little sometimes, but something I realized in all of this is that I'm not broken because of my little "run-in". In fact, just like the Romans 8 says, He makes all things work for the good of those who are called according to His purposes. Little trials and pressures and tough situations in fact clean my heart out. It tests my character. It makes me better.

Does it justify the person who hurt me? No. But neither is it my place to judge. God is the Father and He knows how to parent His children. But it DOES allows me to walk in the freedom of God's love.

So I find myself right forward in a place where God has something new for me, kind of like where I was about 5 months ago when I first entered this season. I'm excited, still a little unsure, but my faith has more substance. Even though my soul is more in touch with all that it longs for now, I'm more myself then I've been for the last 4 years of my life. And? I'm not a defeated woman. I'm being broken down and fixed, broken down and fixed, and melted down and molded, softened up and formed to look more like the Bride I'm supposed to be.

Hah. And God answered my unasked question while I was praying for someone yesterday at church.

As an intercessor - a prayer warrior for the Lord, I'm called to stand in the gap for people, churches, cities, nations, situations etc. - It is inevitable that I will take blows or shots that are unjust and unfair.
Its part of the job description.

Definite lightbalb moment there. Do I ENJOY this aspect of being a follower of Christ? NO. But do the benefits and rewards outweigh this momentary slight affliction? YES.

We do it for Love. We do it because of Love.

One evening as I was brushing my hair before bed, the Lord spoke to me while I was standing before a mirror. He said, "Don't you think Love costs something? Even I had to pay a price."

heh.

Wow.

I have a loooooong way to go.

Good thing He's right by my side.

Open hands

2010-06-12T11:56:00.007-04:00

Trust And Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

I happened upon this lovely old hymn in looking for lyrics to another. The title caught my attention (as it should,) and I couldn't help but explore the stanzas of the well-written truths. Here it was: the song I was REALLY looking for.

All morning long, the only phrase I kept thinking was, "open handed, open handed, open handed."

Is there not a point where we get "caught" in our lives? We get caught in good or bad actions. We get caught by people, caught in circumstances, caught in the middle, caught in between, caught off guard, caught in a lie, caught in a tangle of a mess....
And it was time for me to be caught.

Caught by the Lord.

And I was.

Sometimes when we cry, there are such things as big, fat tear drops that almost bring you instant satisfaction in a good cry. I don't know what it is. They're perfect and they roll down our cheek like a prized diamond and you KNOW it's treasured by the Lord in a bottle of your history with Him.

But then there are other times when we cry... and they're hot, painful tears that have no distinction between them. Its a steady stream that just keeps flowing in one single direction down your face, down your neck and just keeps going. You feel soaked even though you're not. Its almost like the tears are ashamed and don't want to be seen. so they flow together to hide within themselves.

But there will be no hiding the night that I got caught. Regardless of how my tears mirrored my feelings, the Lord had caught me to reveal my heart.

And His.

I was caught.

The only thing to do was to pour it all out, and just lay EVERYthing out on the table. And you know? Not a lot was said in words. I usually have something to say. But God knew better. He caught me when no words could suffice. He caught me in my deepest parts - where no mask of strength, well-spokenness, will-power, independence or self-control could protect me. He didn't catch the Sarah I portray, He caught ME. There Sarah I KNOW. The Sarah that He knows better then the Sarah I know.

The Sarah who lives within a city of walls that have been built out of pride, out of fear and out of experiences of hurt: A city of self-preservation.

And He caught me.

The first time I heard this song, it stopped me in my tracks. Its my prayer before the Lord right now AND - its real.

Hurricane
I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don't want to be safe tonight

I need you like a hurricane
Thunder crashing wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I'm only yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I'm only yours now
I'm only yours now

I am yours and you are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction's what I need
Then I'll receive it lord from thee
Yes I'll receive it lord from thee

Caught. There I was with no more excuses, no more justifications or rain checks.

Immediate surrender.

That's what happened. I needed to be caught. I WANTED to be caught. I didn't know how to be caught when I had built so many obstacles.

But Jesus is the One.

He gets past all my walls, all my smoke screens and all my masks.
He sees me.
He sees through my skin.
He knows my frame.
He knows me.

I was caught and it felt so good to finally stop hiding.

I held out my hands in surrender. Open hands.

You know how you believe truths in your head but then you believe them in your heart when you actually have to practice them?

"Open hands, God. Open to receive a gift, and open to offer back what is not mine to keep."

An offering unto the Lord.

A laying down? Maybe. I think we're even called to such a thing as being caught in waiting. Will I close my hands and snatch something for myself out of impatience? Will I throw it back out of fear before I know if it is mine?

Or will I wait, with open hands?

What a sweet discipline.

Now Lord, help me to receive it wholly.

"Not a mite will I withhold."

The World of His Will: As Seen by Sarah, Today.

2010-04-13T11:48:00.007-04:00

At the door of Will.

That is where I find myself these days. Its lovely. Its terrifying. Its where God has me.

I went back and read one of my own poems from about 4 years ago because when I thought of my first sentence for this entry, I could only think of being at the door of my own will.

And then, to follow that thought, the question lies in whether I'm entering IN to my own will, or if I am exiting. And the thought even proceeding THAT thought is: if I'm going in, is that wrong, or if I'm leaving, where AM I going?!

The thing is, we're already in our own will as human beings. Its when we are presented with a NEW will that we have to decide what we are going to do. But either you're stuck in the same old-same old of the room of your own will unless you choose something else: and THAT something else is the will of the Father.

So when I picture being at the door of will, I'm actually picturing standing at exit of mine, and on the threshold of His.

But to be honest, I KNOW I'm in His will. I absolutely do. What I've been having revelation of in the last few days is that EVERY DAY we find ourselves at the door of Will. Every DAY we can either choose our own way, or we can choose the way of the Lord. Every day we choose these things.

I love AND HATE how we go back to "start" every morning. I LOVE it for all the obvious reasons. I only hate it because my flesh desires the credit of yesterdays revelation.

But every day is new. Every day we start back at ground "0" and every new morning is an invitation to "ENTER" into the Will of the Father, which, contrary to my little secluded, one-tracked and single-roomed will, is a GALAXY of adventures waiting to happen!

I've always wondered what it felt like to be side-swiped by the Lord. What it might feel like if He took my word for it when I said I would need to be knocked upside the head with His spiritual 2 by 4's.

Hehe. Its intense. Its adventurous. Its .... dangerous. Its like walking a tightrope - exhilarating yet only done by grace. And its that grace that makes the tightrope like a four-foot wide board, in some regards.

But I find that as I step into this new season of my life, I'm stepping into an accepting of His invitation to live LITERALLY: ON THE EDGE. To walk a path where ANYTHING can happen. Absolutely anything! And to be shaken of the fear of my OWN desires which (though I had always worried would overwhelm other people) coincidentally, more so overwhelm ME than anyone else.

Wow.

I'm seeking His face. I want to know what it is to have God's words like fire in my mouth. I want to have such a deeply ingrained passion for the things and the Words of God that I can feel it in my bones - with every STEP and every move of the joints, that I would feel the passion of God's heart burning IN ME.

Ahhaaaaaah.

I ACHE for the day when faith shall be sight.

I ache for the day when my soul's imaginations of being in the arms of my Father are not only reality, but multi-dimensionally MORE real then what is tangible in this life time!

Oh how I ache for it!!!
And though I am called to all contentedness, I am also called to contend for that which is not seen.

But I want to see it.

I want to SEE the Will of the Father. Not just feel it.
I want to be a See-er in the spirit. I want to see and then to speak it.

Man. I'm not kidding. This is the deepest cry in my heart and it is worth saying no to a few meals and nice things to obtain it.

It is soooo worth it.

At the Door of Will
by Sarah Faith
2006
"You - you are Mine - come to Me."
Father, are You calling?
Silence - or was I really listening?
"You - come to Me - I chose you. Stand out from the rest."
Father, have You called me?
No, it mustn't be, for I am non for best.
"You - Child. It is you - chosen. You will complete My Will."
Father...is that You. God?
"Child! How I love you, come to me!"
Love - silence - will I choose to go or did I ever listen?
Waiting - stillness -pleading - longing - patience.
Will you choose to listen?
"I love you Child - for I stand at the door knocking.
Will you let me in?"

Warrior Dancer is Presented with Destiny.

2010-03-17T20:58:00.005-04:00

I have got to say, (and I know that this may even sound slightly dramatic, but stick with me) turning twenty-one was a huge milestone for me in the spirit.

Hah. Like the way I start my entry off? With a big, resounding, weighty statement.

Its true.

I have this journal. It was given to me the Christmas before I turned 18. I had seen it previously at a book store and thought to myself the moment I saw it, "THAT is the ONE."
THEN... I looked at the price and my following thought was, "That is NOT the one."

I remember my shoulders slouching. It was def. disappointing.

Then, I received a special gift from a friend I didn't expect a gift from: It was the exact journal, color and all. She had said she felt led to give it to me by the Lord.

When I saw it I thought to myself, "This journal will get me from my 18th year to my 21st year. I just KNOW it."

And I knew that, starting that lovely, genuine-leather-bound book, I was starting a special phase in my life. I titled my 7th journal, "My Story" and I knew it would be just that: a story.

And it was. I am so surprised what that journal reveals about my growth in the Lord. Its a very precious thing.

But... come my birthday, I was 2 pages away from being done. And I want to share with any of my fellow believers and also my readers what the Lord very specifically did to make my birthday a milestone in the spirit.

My birthday was quite uneventful. I didn't even get carded when I ordered a glass of wine with my lovely dinner with my parents!!!!

But, in the afternoon, I decided I was going to splurge my time and sit down and watch the movie rendition of Lord of the Ring's Return of the King.

About half way through the movie, Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor, is presented with the King's sword - the sword that defeated evil once, and would defeat evil again. The sword has a distinct symbolism of Aragorn's destiny. Elron, lord of the elves who had been at the first battle when the sword had been shattered, had welded it back together and came to Aragorn with it.

The scene is that Elron approaches Aragorn and holds out the sword with both hands. He tells him, "the time has come".

Aragorn hesitates for only a moment before he reaches for the sword and pulls it swiftly out of its sheath and its in that second Aragorn chooses to step into his destiny as King. And he COULD choose NOT to... but really, he's at a point of no return. The way to move is forward. Its inevitable that He would move into that role, and he wouldn't have it any other way.

See, because there's no turning back. He might have turned back when he met the hobbits for the first time and knew that they were being followed by Evil. He might of chosen to leave when he got them to the Elves in Rivendale. But he didn't. THAT is when He could have chosen a different way. But the presentation on the sword only came when it was clear He was too far in - and he was sold to seeing this through.

So. Thursday, the day after my birthday, I'm at the house of prayer and I'm being stirred to intercede for Cleveland. Thinking about Psalm 93 - Holiness adorns Your temple, Oh Lord, forever.
I was stirred deeply and thus made a painting of a tsunami wave of the Spirit and of Life and of Fire about to crash down on 4 main "temples". Individual hearts, Households, The Churches and the City. The second set began at 10, and within about 20 minutes of the set beginning, Carol (one of our night watch prayer-warriors) comes to me, gives me her usual, joyful hug and as I pull away, she says, "I HAVE something for you... for Your birthday!" with a twinkle in her eye.

She then pulls out a pair of worship flags and presents them to me with both hands. Now... this is not the first time I have received a worship flag. I'm a firm believer that God equips the one's He calls. The first time I was given a flag, it was by someone I had never met before and the Lord very specifically told her to give me a specific worship flag - an "angels wing" of sheen purple. Prophetic colors are important - and this color means, "Royalty". My name, Sarah, means princess. Flags are for designating tribes, etc etc. If you lose your place, look for the flag, and go back to your place. A flag bearer, then, is one who holds up their identity high, and mightily, especially in times of war.

The flags Carol gave me are a sheer and glimmering white, and the one is bordered on either side in blue - with a Star of David on the front. When Carol unrolled it for me to see the star, the Spirit nudged me and I thought, "This means war."

And it was then that I knew - I'm a warrior in the spirit, and when I dance, I break down barriers, shatter strongholds and dance upon injustice - my dance is a prophetic gift just as my "painting pictures" is, or singing over people etc etc.

And The Lord gave me a picture of 2 armies going out to meet one another in a massive field. The adversary was already in place. The other side was the army of the Lord. People and angels of fall sizes and ranks. They were marching forward to take their place. But about 100 paces forward, there was a dancer. She was in a white dress with a flowing skirt, and she had a sash of red and blue - red symbolizing Salvation, and therefore, grace. And Blue symbolizing the Spirit like water - being baptized thereof. And she had 2 multi-colored streamers that were like smooth rainbows. And she was whirling and leaping and twirling about and her sash of blue and red would sometimes look purple - which symbolizes her identity and her rank. She is clearly a child of God. And her dance was very clearly a war dance. And Joy surrounded it in such a way that you knew who's army she was apart of and you also knew which army would win. It was a victory dance. And it was intense and strong and very very mighty.

She was the only dancer in that part. But the message is that she is not the only one in the body of Christ. But for this vision, she was set apart to designate her specific role. She was alone. She was closer to the enemy. She was on the very forefront. She saw it clearer then the army did. And? She was not afraid. In fact - the enemy could not, by spiritual law, shoot at her. She was under protection. The enemy could not touch her. It had no leeway to do so. She seemed to dance in the confidence of that protection. Her protection was peace. She was not worried or afraid. She was light and free.

THAT calling - that destiny - that place ... in the spirit, Is mine.

And I'm blown away at the privilege I have to be given a position of a flag bearer and a dancer.

Does that really change how I look in the physical? Nah. :) I'm doin the same stuff I know I'm supposed to. But I'm entirely overjoyed at the clear direction and placing I have in the army of the Lord for this season and time of my life. I don't quite know what it'll look like, but I think that's why I have a new journal - so I can record it all as I figure it out and go along. :)

Anyway. that's about it. I know this was a particularly long blog, but nevertheless, a thorough one at that.

Blessings - Sarah

Going Up In Rank

2010-02-15T11:27:00.005-05:00

In the last month or so, the Lord has been doing some deep, deep things and I'm not even sure how to explain it.

He's building a contentedness to wait on Him. He's building steadfastness amidst emotions and stress. He's building His character in me. And I'm beginning to notice that my hope is no longer in things that will disappoint me, but it is in Him.

This weekend, some things hit me and I know I THOUGHT I should have been more effected by them but... What a freedom that God is what I put my hope in, and I trust Him in all His sovereignty! Its so awesome to realize that I'm not the way even I expected I would be because God has been working underneath the scenes in my life.

I have no clue how to explain it, but the hours of sitting before the Lord in prayer or just... BEING with Him, are transforming my entire person. I have never known the kind of growth I'm experiencing right now. I want silence and not distraction. I can't help worshiping Him the more I know of Him. I can't help desiring to serve. It is out of the overflow of my love with the Lord that I desire to do everything I am called to in ministering the His people and the people that aren't His yet.

There have been some truly defining moments that I would like to write out here.

The fact that I've been so financially stressed has been what I would call a "kick-start" into what God has in mind to work in me.

I guess I tend to depend on myself to be ahead of the game when it comes to my finances. So when things happen that are out of my control, I immediately have to go into a mode I need to be more practiced in: trusting God's sovereign way of provision.

It was a movement forward motivated by situations that would most simply just bring me to the end of my own abilities and strengths. Patience. I'm finding the end of my own portion. hehe.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I had a time in the prayer room where the Lord reaaaaaalllllly did some surgery on my heart.

As my friend put it yesterday, "God knew that it would be too painful for me to reach His hand so deep and remove such a deep rooted lie in my heart. So He put me to sleep." And that's the truth. I sat for 2 hours pouring out my heart to God.... and then, when no words could say anything more, the Lord put me to sleep, where I was still partially aware of the music, but resting. I woke up with a jolt, and I knew I was better.

Then, this last week, God ranked me quite a bit in His army. Wednesday, I had people praying for me while we fasted, and God did a major "enlightening the eyes of my heart" moment. It has to do with Jeremiah 1:9-10.

Then the LORD stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the LORD said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have appointed you this day over the nations and over the kingdoms, To pluck up and to break down, To destroy and to overthrow, To build and to plant."

I was reading a book called "Shaping History through fasting and prayer" and it put something in such a way that a little "DING" happened.

When God speaks, things happen. His Word IS happened. But many a time, the Lord, instead of just speaking, He desires His people to come into partnership with Him. So - He puts His words in their mouths and when THEY speak, things happen. But I'm just overcome by the crazy thing that has to do with Christ having all things under His feet by the power that raised Him from the dead and also by His mercy and loving kindness, WE are seated with Christ in glory and therefore, all His authority has been given to us, as we have taken His name. When we bless, it is blessed in heaven and on earth. When we curse, it is cursed in heaven and on earth. MAN. Our words are powerful. And when we tap into the heart of God to JOIN Him and SPEAK His intercessions?! WE MOVE THINGS. And so, THIS verse for Jeremiah the prophet was commissioned to me.

I'm not just a soldier in God's army. I've been ranked in a certain field that is my very specialty - and its speaking the Word that has been put in my mouth to move mountains in the heavenly realms. Overspiritualized? No. Its Supernaturally natural. This IS the normal life of a true believer.... and? I LOVE it.

God is just doing such a good work in my heart. Its just Him and me. There's no one else in the equation. No thing else to worry about.

Its just Him and me, and He is romancing my heart with His love for me. I'm learning how to be free in loving Him back. Its... been the best Valentine's day ALL MONTH. And isn't that how God is? Why wait for Valentine's day when you can have it EVERY day? And? Everyday is not the same. Its always a new adventure. I'm so glad. I'm just... sooo glad. :)

Two songs that really impacted me.

First one is "Here in the Waiting Room" by Misty Edwards. Its the song that played that very defining Sunday a week or so ago.

Here in the Waiting Room
Here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer

I feel like sometimes I will explode here
But I can't leave this place of waiting
I can't leave this place of expecting
You've pinned me down
You hedged me in

God I confess that I feel trapped
There is no way out
But God You know that I would never run to You
Until I had to

God I'm so frustrated, a little bit confused and so angry
For I know that You can answer but You don't answer me

Prayer it sounds so romantic
Prayer, it feels miserable
God I hate it, God I admit it

I know You are good, I know You are
But God it seems like You are playing games with me
God, why?
Why all the waiting a thousands times
Now I'm stuck waiting
God, I trust You
But God, I don't get You

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
Time seems to haunt me
as the hours turn to days
and days turn to weeks
and week to months
and months to years

Here in the waiting room
of unanswered prayer
But God, You know me
I would never sit still
Until I had to

Your ways are so wonderful
But God I'm so miserable

Cause You make all things beautiful just in time
It's just a matter of time, time, time
So into Your hands I throw it -everything-

Here in the waiting room
I'm here in the waiting room
Of unanswered prayer
I will wait on the Lord
Cause I have no option

And Empty Me sung by Jeremy Camp

Empty Me

Holy Fire, come burn away
my desire for anything
that is not of You
and is of me
I want more of You
and less of Me

Empty me, empty me
Fill, wont You fill me
with You with You

Sigh.

I do some risky praying...

"whatever it takes, Lord."
"Empty Me."
"Change me."
"Keep me humble, before You."
"Come quickly, Lord. I don't wanna be here anymore."

yes. This is my life. My novice life of prayer. :)

Brought Low

2010-01-22T22:48:00.004-05:00

Is it okay if I say that I'm feeling pretty indescribable?

Its been a pretty challenging time thus far, and O to wonder if that is the pace for this upcoming year of mine.

To face insecurities? To challenge lies?

To stare back, boldly standing in the gaze of my newest revealed fears?

Aha. Sounds so... honorable. So courageous. So brave.

But to me? It sounds ... painful. hah!

Yet, I want to learn what it looks like to have authority as a Daughter of God.

To pray and see things happen.

But my faith bust be grown.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

I most certainly am not complaining over life's complications and little complex situations we so often find ourselves in. But neither will you hear me pretend that these sort of things aren't trying, most of the time. Its a pretty real place to be with the Lord. He's got this big thing in mind, and in my little narrow-minded, compact self, I am unable to wrap my understanding around how sovereign He really is.

But ... though I do not hold the capacity for such knowledge, I DO have the capacity to believe it to be true. And you know how big that capacity is? It can be as little as a mustard seed. But Oh! The fruit it will bear in its due season!

Sigh. I don't know.

You know what?

I'm in this place where...

okay. Illustration.

I'm sitting.

In the prayer room, right? I have had a pretty.... "eh" week. Lets just say (if I can be perfectly honest) it hasn't been one of my most "be a super-christian!" weeks.

In fact - I have been seriously dealing with some sin issues in my life MAINLY ... because of my lack of guard. So, on this particular evening, not very long ago at all, I find myself walking into the prayer room with some anger inside. I'm angry at myself because of where I think I should be, and am not, AND, I'm a little hurt by a previous encounter with a friend.

AND ... I'm mad at myself for how the whole situation makes me feel.

So I'm sitting in the prayer room.

An hour goes by. Finally, towards the end of this hour, I finally begin to process.

How long am I really going to go like this? Really?

And in all my "ehhgh" feelings, I begin to really face the Lord.

And that's when He nudges my heart (Which has been condemning me all day at this point.)

Lord? I DON'T feel very spiritual right now. I don't even care to say this. In fact, I ... just absolutely don't get this whole grace and righteousness thing. \

And so goes my honest little heart with the Lord.

I've definitely been in the business of shocking people when I talk about how I sometimes talk with the Lord.

Hah. You know what? I've been doin this for 10 years of my life. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted to shoot me with a lightning bolt, he woulda done it already.

(sorry, sarcasm...and yet not mean sarcasm. just blunt.)

And to be honest? For me to talk this way with the Lord is the most humbling experience because I actually have to admit that I am not perfect. I have to admit that I don't measure up.

I spend my whole life being good at everything and measuring up and pleasing and being the favorite and the good one.

But the truth is?

I don't measure up. And? The standards aren't His. I'm accomplishing nothing in my own strength.

Figures.

And He whispers to me in the most tender, truthful way, "Sarah, its okay."

Its OKAY to be sitting in that chair in the place that I am. Its really okay.

And that's when I realize: I GOT NOTHING.

NADA!

ZIP!

ZERO!

NOTTTHING to bring to Him except exactly what I am at that very moment.

And what I have to bring is so ugly.

And then all I can think about is how I HATE this body.

I HATE this jar of clay.

There is SO much treasure waiting for ME, EVEN inside, that I don't know about and yet I have to deal with a shell of flesh that is tenaciously prone towards sin.

I got nothin.

Apart from Him, there is no good in me.

And as my heart began to grasp this little idea, the lights were turned down for the next set. And we began to sing this song:

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

How wide, how deep, how great is Your love for me?

We sing it as a statement... but isn't it meant as a question?

Do we have the nerve to actually ask this of the Lord?

Who couldn't?!

Humbled?

hm.

I am indeed being brought low.

for sure.

He Makes All Things New

2010-01-03T23:58:00.002-05:00

Hm.

2010.

it feels weird to write that, hehe.

God.... has absolutely blown me away this past year.

The year of 2009.

And - I have great expectation that He's not through with me yet.

In a nutshell, I will try to compose my rendition of what I have learned in 2009:

1. Redemption - takes every picture of my life where I feel condemned or ashamed - He reaches down with His mighty hand, touches the "me" I see and changes me into the person He sees from beginning to end - and makes me radiant in His purity and righteousness.

2. Vision - God has given me vision for what my life is supposed to look like! I don't have to answer with, "well, I know I'm called to full time ministry but I don't know how its going to look," anymore when people ask. I can respond with, "I'm a prayer missionary. I minister first to the Lord, and then to His people."
And it can look like so many different things... but I think thats where the adventure comes in.

3. Garden - my heart. Not a little country garden gated in by a lil picket fence on the side of a dirt road with a bunch of other gardens waiting to be explored, with much more beauty and exotic flowers to allure - no. I am a locked garden - surrounded by massive iron gates, with a Man that jealously guards my heart and my mind with His peace.

4. Treasure - whoa. I'm still wrapping my mind around this one. I'm thinking II Corinthians 4, and Matthew 13 and Proverbs 31. Treasure in jars of clay, treasure hidden in a field, pearl of great price, and an excellent wife who's worth is far above rubies or jewels.

5. Love - without expectation. Without expectation of reciprocation AND ... HERES the recent kicker: without expectation of NO reciprocation. THIS idea has been growing me up quite a bit, in my walk with the Lord.

ps: number 5? Super risky. Big big big big trust thing with the Lord.

6. Stirring - up old dreams, old desires, new dreams, new desires and.... having to come to a place of acknowledging them and being honest with the fact that they ARE in fact - MY dreams and desires. Not sure what God has in store for this developing thing, but I'm thinking He will be faithful and continue His good work on through this next year. :) I'll let you know how it works out.

7. Songs - Love Songs, New Songs, Old Songs, Hymns and Spiritual Songs.
"I save my sweetest love songs for Jesus."
Its just... true. Singing songs that have never left my lips until the moment they do, singing old songs that touch my heart in a way I can't explain - they were sung to me as lullabies. Singing hymns that are written in such a way and sung with such conviction that my heart nearly explodes with appreciation for the legacy I get to embrace and run with the baton for my part of the race. And - Songs that sound like angels.

I guess an overall word? Restoration.

I don't know. But I'm glad I don't. Its time to see whats next with the Lord. He always keeps me on my toes.

I like that.

:)

Did I mention?

I'm in love.

Love with no Expectations

2009-12-14T00:04:00.005-05:00

Love with no expectations of it being reciprocated.

This idea has been presented to me over this last year and as painful as I know it must be, I remember telling God I wanted that kind of Love.
Interesting, He always seems to answer those kinds of prayers.

I think its loving people with no condition. There is actually no option to NOT love them. We are called to love one another - it is exactly what sets us apart. It is part of the great commandment Jesus gives us to love God and then to love each other, as WELL as later saying that we will be known as disciples because of our love for one another.

But what does that look like?

Do we really know our true tendency towards the opposite of love?

Do we really get how selfish and self centered we really are?

Submission.

What does THAT look like?

What does Love look like?

huh.

How about speaking the truth in love?

Or having love that is genuine and sincere?

Or what about actually SAYING "I love you" to people we really do?
Or saying "I love you" to people we really don't?

I would venture to say we should be offending ourselves with the flippancy we throw around the very nature of God.

hah! Romans 12 says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

What DOES that look like, really?

hm. I don't know. All I know is that the Lord is calling me to love - WITHOUT expectation. Honoring my brothers and my sisters in the Lord. Being full of integrity towards them and guarding their hearts before Christ.

Sigh.

It really sucks though, when people don't get how important that stuff is... because then Love isn't as sacred or beautiful to them as it is to me, then is it?

Hah!

I think we just need to get to know God more.

That would solve everything, really. :)

Yes it would.

It should be a costly thing - a woman's heart....

2009-12-03T01:56:00.002-05:00

Though some of the perspective of this poem is not necessarely applicable, still, the real essense behind it is the confidence of a truly beautiful woman who requires a man who pursues her to be a man of God - and also, one who sees the value of her heart.

"An excellent (or virtuous) wife, who can find? Her worth is far above jewels." -Proverbs 31:10

As I am determined to be such a woman, I do agree with the heart of the poem, as well as enjoy how it is read.

Be blessed,

Sarah

A WOMAN'S QUESTION
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be as true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then, 'mid the falling leaves
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.
Lena Lathrop

She, with unveiled face...

2009-11-09T15:02:00.006-05:00

Yes, It has been a while since I've written my thoughts out for the world ... the small of the world that I reach, that is. Be as it may, the Lord is moving in me like I've never experienced before.

I will say I'm GROWING.

I'm frustrated with the amount of flaw I see in myself because I'm trying so hard, and THEN I'm OFFENDED in my little heart when others SAY they see my flaws too.
hah! What can you do? I can't win for losing, it seems. like I said. I'm still growing.

Dreams.

Desires.

Longings of the Heart.

These are things I'm being faced with in my walk with the Lord as of late, and whats funny is that YES! I am being FACED with them.

I am finding myself in a place where the Lord has brought out all of my most precious desires, dreams, longings. The things that are dearest to my soul - he's brought them out from behind lock and key and is holding them out for me to see. But for me, be what it may seem to everyone around me, to look at these things cause a great deal of pain in my life. For a few weeks I stood before the Lord and pointed my little finger in the air and denied them as ever having been my own.

But that doesn't deter the Father. His hand still held them before me.
Of course, there is no way that I would be able to deny Him for long, since He KNOWS me. AND - I know me. This whole denial thing is pointless, really. So we move on in the process. I admit that yes, those ARE indeed my desires. But the acknowledgment of those desires does something for me that I wasn't necessarily expecting: They become real and quite tangible to me. Those aren't JUST the deepest desires of my heart.... THEY ARE the deepest things of my heart - and I want it all desperately.

Which sucks. Because I've been pretty good at being strong about this for quite some time.

So this weekend, it hits its climax with the reality that - um - there's not a single notion of certain things that I desire, at all in front of me. And it was here in this place I found that my most precious sacrifice of love at this time in my life was to lay down all that I've ever longed for - before the Lord in humble submission.

Isn't that what being a follower is all about? Whatever the cost?

I could sit here and write about counting the cost of love to the Lord.
But that would be folly in the light of the price He has paid without batting an eyelash.
Its not about the cost anyway. Its about how great the Love.

I'm ... absolutely in love with the Lord. Hah! - I sit here thinking about what I DON'T have... but the truth is, I have it ALL, when I'm with Him. I'm not lacking a thing. And I'm glad to say that in all of my immaturity and in all the times I don't live up to my claim, Its His grace that allows me to be bold in my confidence and live with an unveiled radiance of freedom and glory.

His grace is the covering over all of my nakedness - all of my ugliest parts, still being worked out of me. Hah, and how Jesus loves us more than Noah's sons loved him and covered him!

I'm beginning to touch the surface of what real love might be. And what real love begins to look like towards others, when I've been loved sufficiently - His grace, being enough to perfect me in Him.

I've been writing a lot lately in my personal journals and a song kind of slipped out from somewhere inside. First time in probably 2 years, actually.
I'd love to share it with you - and also - KNOW that it is subject to be added to in the future. But for now, Here I GO.

Here I Go Again (revised)
by Sarah Faithy (as always) 11-2-09

Here I go again
and I'll direct my prayers by the point of my pen
and I don't even know who you are
But for you, dear One, my heart is set apart

I'm a garden enclosed
safe within the cleft of the rocks
I'm a mystery
I'll captivate you with one glance

This will be something beautiful
Oh the Love of God is powerful (wonderful)
Underneath the shadow in the secret place
that's where you'll find me - I will be waiting.

As I fall for the Lord
I find I'm beginning to love you more
and I don't even know your name
but I don't need convinced that you're worth the wait

My beloved and my friend
you are distinguished among ten thousand
make haste, my betrothed
be like a deer and leap over the mountains, into your garden

Note to self... and anyone else.

2009-10-12T14:15:00.002-04:00

If God calls you a locked garden, and when you find yourself upset because no one seems to have tried to come in - then isn't it God, you have a problem with, not man?

hm.

And it doesn't mean no one's tried, but rather, that the Owner has said no?

huh.

I know I should feel pretty offended.

but I think I'm past that.

I can only smile.

People are Brilliant!!

2009-09-11T13:56:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here in my Standford t-shirt, skinny jeans that are so tight I'm not sure how I'm going to get them off right now, and a cup of coffee in hand, laughing very hard at the stories about about to share with you, courtesy of www.mylifeisaverage.com.

Enjoy!!

Today, an annoying Facebook friend was counting down the number of friends he had left to get to 1,000. When he finally reached 1,000, he made a big post to celebrate. I removed him as a friend. I win.

Today, my friends and I were walking across campus in between when, quite suddenly, a guy in a banana suit biked past us, almost running into one of my friends. We were pretty offended, at least until ten seconds later when another guy in a gorilla suit ran past us, chasing after him. I love college

This morning at 11:11, I wished that I didn't need to go all the way to the kitchen, though I was starving. Moments later my mom brought me pancakes. Tonight, I'm wishing for a unicorn.

"Today, I was playing 20 questions online. The category was animals. It asked me if it was alive. I said yes, thinking of a hippo. It guessed Godzilla. Knowing that Godzilla is still alive, I fear for my safety."

Today, I was eating pringles when I noticed the 200 average per can. I actually counted and saw 201. I felt above average, until I dropped the last chip on the floor.Well played fate, well played.

"Today, I tried texting the word "ninja" to my friend. T9 word didn't recognize it, which irritated me, but only until I realized that ninjas aren't supposed to be recognized. I'm now glad my phone understands this."

Today, my friends and I began arguing what kind of child would be the hardest to raise. I said twins, and then revised my answer to sextuplets. My other friend said, "Carmen Sandiego and Waldo's kid." He wins.

"Today, I was in K-Mart with a friend looking at deep freezers. I saw a smaller one and commented, "Still big enough to fit a body". Some creepy old guy walked behind me and said, "Only if you break the back". My eyes are still big."

Today, I was working the register at Walmart. I was checking out a family, and there was a book called "How To Be A Ninja". Whenever I scanned it, the screen said "Item Not Found". Well played ninjas, well played.

Today, I filled a Windex bottle with blue Gatorade. I then sprayed it into my mouth in front of my mother. She began to panic and scream and get hysterical. I thought it was funny. She didn't.

"A fortnight ago I finally solved my Rubik's cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight."

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

"Today, I asked Cleverbot which Jonas Brother was its favorite. It answered "the first one that dies." I love Cleverbot."

Today, my dad got mad at me and said "Luke, I am your father" and then something about how I should follow his rules. I didn't hear him because I was too busy secretly laughing about his sentence.

"Today, while driving to school, the man in the car next to me kept looking at me suspiciously. We were stopped at a red light when he rolls down his window, pulls out the largest Nerf gun I have ever seen, and shoots 2 darts at my window, then turns down a random street and speeds away. I did not know what to do."

Today, as I was waiting on line at a store, I noticed the cashier had a British accent. When it was my turn, I faked a British accent in conversation. He asked me where I was from, so I admitted that I was faking. His British accent disappeared as he said, "Me too."

Today, I burned my hand on my hair straightener and immediately posted about it on facebook. Later, I re-read my post and noticed I said "I burned me hand" instead of "my hand". I'm glad to know that even in my fragile, injured state, my subconscious knows that I'm a pirate.

Today, I read an FML about a someone who was filmed, drunk, climbing into her wardrobe screaming "I wanna go to Narnia!" I've done that sober. I don't see a problem. Who doesn't wanna go to Narnia?

Today I was babysitting my younger cousin when she asked for some gummy bears. Since there were two colors in the package I asked her if she preferred green or yellow, she replied the taste didn't matter since she just liked biting their heads off and being in control of their fate. She's four. She will achieve great things."

Today, was 9.9.09. September has 9 letters. Wednesday has 9 letters. It's the 252nd day of the year, which adds up to equal 9. However, today was an average day.

Today, while in my room, I heard my dad say "son of a bitch" to himself. I walked out and said "You called?" I don't think I've ever seen a more priceless look on someone's face.

Last night, I was really hot in bed, so I took one leg out of the covers. Then I got scared because it was too dark and my leg felt unprotected from something hiding under my bed. So I put it back under the blankets.

Today I saw a man being chased down the street by a cop. He was yelling " you can't catch me I'm the Ginger bread man." I laughed so hard I cried.

Today, my AP history teacher started talking about music. He then said, "The Black Eyed Peas used to be the Peas. Until Chuck Norris heard their music." Never have I had such high hopes for school before.

Today, I got a red mark on my hand. I decided to leave it on and see how many people told me I was bleeding. Later that day, I looked down and freaked out because I thought I was bleeding. I win, my plan worked.

Today, I set my text alert as, "Incoming transmission from Autobots headquarters." While I was at Wal-Mart, I got a text. A little boy standing next to me gasped. I told him to keep it a secret, as my phone needs to stay under the radar. He understood.

Today, my parents gave me and my twin sister going-away-to-college presents. She got a necklace, I got a nerf gun. Clearly, I'm my parent's favorite child.

Today, my grandma got kicked out of a nursing home for bad behavior. I'm so proud of her.

Today, I found out that Waldo is known by different names in different countries. Wally in Britain, Charlie in France, Holger in Denmark, Walter in Germany, and Willy in Norway. I'm onto you and your multiple identities Waldo. You can't hide forever.

"I REFUSE!" .... is easier said then done sometimes.

2009-08-28T18:23:00.004-04:00

thrusting forward to get to a place to go back.
Back to a place where when I first met Him
...
I believed Him.

I believed what He said. There was no question.
I saw the Lord. I spoke to Him with a simple understanding that if He was real, then so was I.

So what happened?

People hurt you deeply.

Circumstances grow you up. Sin grows you old.

Difficulty begins to define you instead of the Word.
I mean, after all, "difficulty meets me in the reality of the world."

I struggle with myself, consistently. Sometimes I'm okay, and other times I'm in a shambles. Its easy to get my heart turned towards the Lord and determine that "all that is mine is actually God's" when I don't have the numbers of my checking and savings accounts in front of me, after forking over hundreds in car repairs.

I'm struggling quite a bit actually. All this stuff is just running through my head, "what if I can't get my savings back up? what if I need money for ANOTHER emergency and I don't have any? I CAN'T get my savings back up right now! I reaaaally need to get it back up. What if I got married in 5 years? I don't have ANY MONEY set aside! How am I going to pay for the internship? I SHOULD have health insurance, but I just can't afford it. OH MY GOD. MY HOURS are friggen cut! How am I going to pull this off?" LOOPING OVER and OVER! And I have to stop myself and try to remind myself that God takes care of these things! But....

Okay... so, SARAH has been taking care of herself for a long time in this area. When Sarah needed to buy something, Sarah saved and planned and budgeted and worked. She was in control of all of this, and she was blessed.

But now? One thing after another and another and another. And it JUST KEEPS GOING!!!!!!!!! I've never felt so.... insignificant in all of my LIFE. I am SO responsible with my finances, how could this happen?

And so I'm struggling with the truth that - God is entirely in control. I need to take my place here - and that place has NOTHING to do with me being in control.
I just feel like a total failure and I have no idea how I'm going to regain all that I'd worked for.

But then..... Why did I work for it? What was I working for?

I don't know.
I definitely feel defeated.
And I understand that this is a VERY good thing, do not get me wrong!
In fact, I pray that a sweet lesson in humility is learned through all of this - and gained, a strengthening of faith.

I have no idea how I'm going to provide financially for myself, going forward.
But you know what?

This time - I need to let God cover that area of my life. Just because something that was entirely out of control happened, doesn't mean that I'm irresponsible or that God thinks I failed in what He gave me to take care of.
I KNOW this. - in my head.

But I REALLY need to know this in my heart, and I don't.
Its why I'm so upset about it.

Sigh.

you know? These were Sarah thoughts today. Nothing profound or intelligent. I just needed to write this out for myself.

My Glory...

2009-08-18T18:00:00.004-04:00

There are SO many things going wrong right now - however - GOD is Good.

God is very Good.

He loves me. He desires that none should perish.
He gives grace and He is full of mercy.
His judgments are just.
His ways are perfect.
His timing is impeccable.
His laws are true.
His heart is massive.
His pain, unbearable.
His intercession, unending.
His long suffering will not go unrewarded.
His sacrifice, enough.
His grace, sufficient.
His calling, unmistakable.
His chosen cannot walk away.
His holiness, unmatchable.
His romance is relentless.
His beauty blows anything else away.
His power is undeniable.
His passion is unquenchable.
His wonderful deeds I will sing of all the days of my life, and still, there will never be enough said that can even begin to ascribe to Him due praise.

His glory is that He conceal such things so that my glory is to search them out.

What a courtship.

What a love.

Wow.

Invitation Made

2009-08-10T18:34:00.004-04:00

Invitation Made

The invitation made
prsented here for you
come know me for who I am
find treasure worth pursuit.

Find me more then lovely
and with an open eye
dig past all the smiles
press forward to the prize.

Strong and bold - O the walls
my fortress and surrounding
there is a place the King knows well
So know Him or no finding.

For it is He who lets one in
guarding heart and mind
by His peace I trust in Him
So in Him do abide.

Oh see all thats before you
be valiant, be strong
gird your sword and ride onward
for you, I've waited long.

Blessed are the poor is spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.

2009-07-11T15:19:00.007-04:00

I marvel at how the Lord uses the most distinct, broken situations and, within His calculated life-equations, we are very particularly drawn to Him in our desperate state of dire need of Him.

Such is the place I find myself this week.

Slammed.

I feel slammed. Slammed like a blow to the stomach. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I can honestly say that many members of my family feel the same way.

Does this ever end?

YES.

One day.

Not today.

Today - the Light and the Love of men came and let Himself shine is some areas that none of us even knew existed. It has revealed rebellion, and MUCH devastation.

Interesting, how we never quite realize what we're asking of Him when we ask for Him to reveal His glory in our lives, isn't it?

I've been praying for a while now, that the Lord would help our family.

He IS.

But its not only humbling, its heart-breaking.

I don't think I've ever quite experienced this 'outside' love that I'm beginning to have for my family.

I don't view them the way I used to anymore.
When I look at them, I look at them like my brothers and sisters in the Lord - mother and father included. Of course there's a certain respect you must have... but I will say, there is no one who has been through as much with each other as a family.

There's the most opportunity for betrayal and wounding, but there is also the same amount of opportunity for loving, grace and mercy and build up amongst believers.

I see this potential both ways in my family.
I also see that God's heart breaks for them as well.

It breaks for me.

It breaks for you.

Why?

Because He is full of compassion.

Yet, He is full of judgment. That allows us to make our decisions and then face the consequences of them.

We? We also, then, need to be full of compassion. Judging what is of God and what is not.

Combining grace with truth, dealing with all things through wisdom and discernment.

Am I the master of this?
Absolutely not.
But it starts with awareness and also, understanding.

I don't have any conclusions to this thought process. And to be honest? I know its okay. I guess I'm dealing with a maraud of emotions, and I dare say I find myself struggling with situations that I cannot help except trust that God has a plan.

I will leave you with something that has entirely encouraged me all week.

Faith - faith is built and grown based off of a knowledge of who God is. The more you know God, the more you trust Him, the greater your faith is.

So then, God's whole plan of faith has everything to do with the idea that you would know Him. And He desires that we would know Him.

Blows me away, really. So all this time, I get lost in the equation itself that I forget that the main reason I'm doing it at all is that I'm supposed to get something out of it.

I get lost in figuring out how to live my life in a way that is righteous that I forget that - the ONLY thing He wants from me is to KNOW Him. To LOVE Him and that, DUH, EVERYTHING will line up as I pursue that One Thing.

So Paul - is better understood when He says that He takes great joy in trials and tribulations - because He KNOWS God and trusts Him in everything, even the unpleasant surprises and happenings.

THIS situation with my family? Absolutely no exception, whatsoever.

The End.

really... rather unfinished thoughts. thoughts though, nonetheless!

2009-06-15T19:40:00.005-04:00

ahhhhh.

I'm not really sure what to say.

Fire.

Peace.

Restless.

Intercession?

Yes.

I was thinking earlier.

I forget how it feels to want your best friend to come with you somewhere. ANYwhere.
I'm used to being somewhere on the outskirts where I'm waiting out to see who can be trusted with the real parts of me - and you know what? I'm okay with it because I I've gotten used to feeling that way. But in the process - becoming slightly cynical of those around me.

God's heart is not that I would live like this.

God's heart is that we would find our soul's needs within HIM. But! Also, that we would, in faith, tell Him exactly what you're going to do and then with expectancy, WAIT. God's opening my eyes to this idea that asking in faith will actually get me somewhere. And I think I'm on to something! I think GOD is on to something. And I'm excited. FINALLY! A new revelation of FAITH. What is this namesake? What does this mean in my life?

It means GOD is moving me. God is moving IN me.

My heart is being stirred.

Faith provokes something of a child like innocence within us. It makes us into the heart of a child over time.

Here's the thing. We get stuck in this place where we realize what a screw up we are - and then we stay there. We feel like crap about it. But the deal is that - our sin isn't on us anymore! God knew I'd be a screw up. But there's this thing called Grace. And the amazing heart behind grace is that we'd be FREE from the sin that bound us up before.

But God revealed to me that in order to WALK in that grace, it takes FAITH. It takes faith to say to the Lord, "okay Lord, I screwed up. I'm messed up. Help me to get this thing right. I receive your grace in this area of my life."

And the Lord just keeps speaking "My grace is sufficient for you, for in all of your weaknesses, there I am strong." over my heart.

And FINALLY! I'm beginning to know it in my heart.

to KNOW it.

REALLY.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Risky Praying is all I Have to Give

2009-05-14T18:19:00.005-04:00

Isn't He wonderful? Isn't He beautiful?

Remedy by David Crowder Band. When I sit back to really listen to it, it takes me back to a little place, on the long of a row of chairs at my old church, waiting for worship to begin at a young adult service. I remember being so calloused but so weary and so exhausted. And I laid there and this song began to pound into the very beating of my heart as the soft, child-like tune began.

It made me a child.

And as I became that child as the tune continued, the words struck my very, very, hurting spirit.

Here we are,
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are

I listened, like a dear in the headlights.
I was caught.
He saw me.

I cried, painful, very distinct tears that moment, before the Lord.
He saw me.

Its so easy to forget who God's been to you when its going okay and you're emotionally alright.

But just because we're emotionally alright doesn't mean that our spirit is okay.

I'm still that child.

Does anyone remember Twila Paris's The Warrior is a Child?

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

I feel like I've come home for a while, from the battle. And some things have changed, and others haven't.

I see that I'm a different person because of all I've experienced. I have so much to see yet. So much to learn. So much to grow.

I'm so just 20.

But I'm His. And I've definitely gotten a few battle scars. God knows how many more I'll continue to accumulate.

But the thing is...

I am this child.

I can't even imagine, if I've hurt so deeply before, what it must be like to live a life where that hurt is all you know, and to never know that God is with you.

How many people believe that they're alone?

My heart swells, my eyes hurt.

God? Do all that You will. Allow all that You have planned. Let me be like You to the people around me.
Break me down. Build You up.

sigh.

I know that's a considerably risky prayer.

That's why I prayed it.

I've got an eternity to be what God wants me to be. But I've got only a lifetime to learn it.

Risky prayers is all I have to give.

:)

Stirring, Stirring... You See Bones?

2009-05-05T00:55:00.008-04:00

I see an Army.

So I spent a little time at the House of Prayer tonight and God just began stirring in me something I don't quite understand and yet absolutely understand.

First thing is - The mountain of God.

I'm not sure all that it will entail, but I want to know all about this mountain that the Lord wants His people to dwell on.

I'm excited because God is opening something up to me and I don't know what it is, but it all started with a phrase, and then a poem.

And, come to think of it, the phrase was birthed on a hillside.

I know there's significance.

Just gotta find out all that there is.

BUT! Tonight! Tonight I began to read the first part of Ezekiel 37, which caught my attention and the Lord began to show me things that I believe have much - MUCH! to do with Cleveland.

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."
Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

And as we prayed for the leaders and pastors of Cleveland, The Lord had already put on my heart the need to pray for the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. And He led me to this scripture.

And as I read it through, the Lord began to speak to me exactly as He had spoken to Ezekiel, and I began to realize that, indeed, He was making a point in His very speaking to me: WE are the future leaders and pastors of Cleveland. WE are called. WE need to step up. WE need to prophecy to the dry bones and the helplessness of the valley by the water. HERE. In Cleveland, we are called to have the faith of Ezekiel, the Spirit of Elijah and the very breathe and anointed of the Spirit of the Lord within us.

I believe that Cleveland is an army waiting to happen.
I believe that Ezekiel was pretty average.
I believe that Jesus changes everything.

And, I believe that because of these 3 things, and because of who I am - who WE are in the Lord, that it qualifies us to speak and prophecy to the dryness of the Cleveland Church at large, the hopelessness of the lost at large and to be the very example of the goodness of a loving God to a dying culture.

Hah.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

Oh! Except I'll bring in the part about the mountains again:
The mountain of the Lord is the place that He has for His people - a "resting" place.
But there is one verse that I cannot help but be drawn to.

How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
"Your God reigns!" -Isaiah 52:7

Ha! And in Isaiah 40, after calling out how all flesh is grass and how the Word of the Lord endures forever, The verse after says,
You who bring good tidings to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem, [c]
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
"Here is your God!"

I think there's a running theme here of the beauty of being on a mountain, proclaiming His wonders to the world.
Not sure what it means, but I'm going to be searching it out.

:)

I was too blown away by some of this stuff NOT to write, but I'm pretty sure this is by far, the most jumbled blog I've written in a while.

Enjoy!

♥

A Conclusion, to Begin With....( :) what an oximoron!)

2009-04-21T22:27:00.006-04:00

"I want what I can't have, but if I had what I can't have right NOW, it wouldn't be what I want."

Hm. I was talking to the Lord today in my car. For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I could just come before Him - nothing hindering. I think a lot of that has to do with final obedience in certain areas of my life where I finally surrender. There's places in my life that hold a certain shame over me and its like this vicious cycle. Shame. You feel like you then, can't deserve God's love. So you feel MORE shame. But then, you DON'T RECEIVE God's love at all because you don't feel worthy of it, and actually, in that whole process of not receiving, you're choosing pride because ultimately, not receiving God's love is saying that you don't NEED it. And if you don't receive it, you're choosing your own strength which IS pride - the very thing that began sin itself. So then I'm caught in this cycle of looking inward at myself and then I become self-centered and THAT is (probably not entirely accurate, but indirectly) the opposite of God-centered.

BUT! I was talking to the Lord in my car, this evening and I ultimately came to the conclusion which is my first sentence in this blog. And I think He chuckled at me for telling Him MY plans to be okay with HIS plans.
And yet, I felt so loved.
I have been recently mulling over the relationships that bring me delight and joy in my life and found myself trying to come to grips with the way God must enjoy me if I enjoy the people around me so much.
I find myself deeply enjoying the companionship of the friends God chooses to place into my life and then I wonder if that is how God enjoys me.

But then, I realize, I am human. I can't possibly know anything beyond myself and I'm just ONE PERSON. He made EVERY person which means that God has the capacity to know what every person feels like ALL at the SAME TIME and somehow STILL be able to handle it all without freaking out!!! So that would bring me back to thinking about how He loves me.
How He loves His Bride.
I am not going to lie. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't see it. I don't see what He must see in me. How He could love me so much, find me so beautiful, to delight in me so much. I just can't see it.
But everything in me has no reason other then TO receive it. And I WANT to. But then I realize, I have a hard time just saying yes. I realize its a humbling experience for me. And how twisted right? That in order to humble myself, I have to choose to allow God to show me who HE sees me to be rather then the screw up I see in myself.
It just blows me away.

You know all those love songs that talk about how the girl takes the guy's breath away? How every part of Him longs for her and how he just couldn't live a moment without her?

Okay, so, I'm a cynical kind of person in my mind, and, I'd roll my eyes at it merely because I've been there and done that and talk is cheap. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. But the truth is - I want to BE that girl. I want to deserve to be that girl.
Avril Lavigne did this song a few years ago and the lyrics to this song resonated in my mind because... it spoke something huge.

I'm tuggin' at my hair, I'm pullin' at my clothes, I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, My cheeks are turning red, And I'm searching for the words inside my head
'Cause I'm feeling nervous, Tryin' to be so perfect, 'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
If I could say what I want to say, I'd say I want to blow you--away, Be with you every night, Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee, Marry me today, Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say.

I'm not good enough for this guy, but I want to blow him away. This song? This song is the song of a girl the Lord loves. I want to blow Him away. But I'm so worried that I'm not worth it to Him because of how imperfect or how inadequate I feel and what I'm beginning to see is that God's love knows no bounds. I will never be able to understand it.

And... a truth is over me while I write this: He says I DO blow Him away. I want to SO BADLY, too!
God! I just want to blow away my future husband! I want to believe that even though I don't deserve him, that I'll end up with him in the long run, and here I am with this Love Story being played out. Jesus and Me. I blow Him away. I will never deserve Him. Yet He's made me worth it by sacrificing it all. If I DIDN'T receive His love, His sacrifice would be for nothing. I'd be dishonoring the only Man who truly deserved all honor which! Is NOT what my heart would EVER want to do.

But you know what ends up happening in the long run?

I end up being blown away.

For crying out loud I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like a harlet learning that there's such a thing as love from lust!
You know, kind of like "Pretty Woman"? A prostitute and yet to him she is the most beautiful, worth-while woman on the planet.

So, tonight, while I was talking to the Lord in my car, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel like I was taking His time. I didn't feel like I talk too much. I didn't feel like I wasn't a good listener. I didn't feel like I just needed to shut up because God is tired of listening to me...
I felt heard.
Adored.
Cared for.

Do you know what crazy things people will do to feel those things?
sigh.

I worry so much.
I don't even realize I do until I see that actually, worry is tied to fear.
And I fear betrayal and no one standing for me, or protecting me. I guess, fighting for me.

But God is.
I know He is. I want to understand that He is. I want to submit myself to His leadership with all thats within me because I know that He is.

I was talking to some friends last night and the question came up about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman a woman.

Ultimately, the conclusion came to - a man is a man when he takes leadership in his relationships and in the things he pursues. But that he is taking that leaderships while following the leadership of the Lord.
AND, that a woman is a woman when she can take the lead when need be, but rather, can also submit to the leadership of those set over her with grace, and actually, that IN that, she IS a leader, by following the Lord's leadership in her life.

This is not to demean women or their place. THIS is a place where the heart enters before the Lord. A place of submission. I know that its a beautiful place because the Lord is showing me how to dwell there.
I like to think that I'm His woman, then.

:)

So really, here I am, still thinking about that conversation with the Lord.
At the end, I sat back, in my seat, in my drive way, and I felt a rest I've not felt in... aaah! So long. A peace - a freedom in sitting before Him.
And I simply said after a slightly exasperated, slightly frustrated-because-I'm-annoyed-with-myself-for-feeling-things-I-don't-exactly-want-to-feel sigh, "Thank you, Lord - for listening." And I felt so blessed. So unworthy - and yet so dearly loved. I knew I could talk to Him anytime.

This blog was too long. ;-P

read at your own risk.

Distractions, distractions.

2009-03-27T21:40:00.010-04:00

hm.. things I guess have been building up and I've been contemplative.
I know I'm extroverted, but I also know I take things in and mill them over alot. At SOME point, however, it comes right back out and I have to be the voice of my thoughts.

I'm just going to be really honest and say I've been struggling with distractions lately.

Now, here my heart out: I DO NOT WANT to be distracted. But I think that's the point, duh.
I'm distracted by new and different things. I'm the kind of person who loves a challenge, and I'll go right at it even if I know I very well might lose. Maybe its the chase?

No. I'm not a guy in a girls body, you've been watching too many movies.

I'm interested that I like the chase, and I wonder why I'm made that way and I was wonder THEN if I'm... I don't know, really messed up or something. And then I thought about it some more and realized that I'm only interested for so long, you know? If after a while, I don't begin to get some where, I'm going either all or nothing. So results? After an amount of time if there aren't any, I give up. If after a while I see a blossom of SOMETHING, you've got my attention entirely, even if I don't show it.

But so, this plays a part in distractions, I promise. My distractions have to do partially with the challenge. The chase. I want to know someone or something and if I don't begin to see results in a time I feel something should begin to show, my interest fades rapidly.

And then that thought leads to the thankfulness I have that God doesn't have such a short attention span as me! HAH!

I think my problem with distractions is thoroughly that it clouds my mind with all sorts of swirling thoughts that, to be honest, amount to absolutely nothing.

And, that's the point.

And I'm tired of it.

And I think part of my frustration is that, its a consistent thing where if I don't guard my mind, I'm BOUND to get distracted and lose focus on the important things that remind me of who I am, why I am and what I'm meant to do.

Can I just vent my frustration right now and say
ITS SO FREAKING ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.

See, and I know the answer to my very frustration. I guess I just forget and that is was gets me - I don't want to forget.

"Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against You." --Psalm 119:11

NASB says "treasured". I guess that helps me a little better. (Can you tell I look these verses up on Bible gateway?) I love the NASB. I decided to look this verse up in that version and instead of "hidden" it said treasured.

And God even spoke to my heart through that in that - I need to treasure Him and HIS WORD.

I DO! So... hah. God's whole point is that I need to stop worrying about how I fall so short of His perfection. I know I'm human but I think I forget that I'm supposed to actually BE HUMAN.
I'm so glad God understands and has such patience for me. I'm so difficult sometimes!

But the whole thing about guarding one's mind - I have a Word for that - and its the perfect word I'm in love with this because its alive.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philip. 4:4-8

There's so much in this verse but... God has a lesson for me in all of it:

1. Rejoice in the Lord - You know what? My attitude sucks when I'm not reminding myself of who Jesus is and when I do THAT, I remember His faithfulness and when I do THAT - I'm filled with Joy. And guess what, folks? The Joy of the Lord is my strength and it gets me through every single day.

2. Heh, the idea of a "gentle spirit" is so close to me, as, even though I'm an outgoing loud sort of person, I'm ... not really like that before the Lord at all. I am me. Remove my personality, remove my responses and reactions to being around people - my spirit is responding souly to the Lord on the bases of intimacy before Him. So this part just makes me smile. Its a "reminder" verse of who I am.

so so far, 1. remember the Lord and who He is. 2. Remember who I am to Him.

continue?

3. Be anxious in nothing.

that's it.

Don't freaking worry all the stinken time, SARAH. Remember I'm NOT BOUND to sin! I'm NOT. God is in control. He is watching over me. For crying out loud if I made my bed in the pits of Hell, He is there. Whom shall I fear? WHAT shall I fear?

Worry is fear.

Fear is the opposite of freedom.

The end.

Don't worry.

4. But since God knows we need to release it somewhere, He tells us to bring it to Him. And this is SO good because to be honest, I bring Him just about everything that I'm thinking about and I'm glad He can handle it since I sometimes just can't.

Release it.

Okay.. so 1. Remember who God is. benefit: Joy. 2. Remember who I am in God. Benefit: reality check, haha. its good. 3. Because of 1 and 2, the things that are too great to bear are actually fading in the light of His Glory. So no need to worry. Benefit: a load of responsibility off your chest! 4. Release it to Jesus (cast your cares, your burdens upon Him, for He cares for You) Benefit: endless.

5. This allows for the peace of God to guard my heart AND my mind in Christ Jesus, making way for me to think about everything I DO want to think about that IS important!

This is so what I need to remember at work because its like I go into a totally different mode for work. I get focused but then in my focus on work, I lose focus on where my heart is before the Lord and it kind of gets lax. And that's when I become distracted when I have a few moments to think.

Hm.

I need to just treasure His Word in my heart, like David says.

This is definitely a pearl in and of itself though, I need to hold on to what I just wrote out here.

:)

Till next time...